The emotional paralysis and the aftermath of interacting with a narcissist with Nikki Eisenhauer M.ED, LPC, LCDC
“So the biggest thing I can say in terms of managing the aftermath is stop thinking so much that something’s wrong with you. Let it go. What if nothing’s wrong with you?”
– Nikki Eisenhauer
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Soulmates vs Twin Flames (Narcissists): Which One is Right for You? – Empath And The Narcissist: Healing with Human Design from Trauma & Emotional Abuse
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The emotional paralysis and the aftermath of interacting with a narcissist
“So the biggest thing I can say in terms of managing the aftermath is stop thinking so much that something’s wrong with you. Let it go. What if nothing’s wrong with you?”
Every Thursday I have been airing episodes on the Empath and the Narcissist podcast with amazing guests. June 30th, 2022 guest, Nikki Eisenhauer, is no exception. She is a Professional Psychotherapist with her own healing journey from narcissistic and abusive parents.
You can listen to the whole episode here. And I’ve listed the most impactful takeaways below.
1. Main difference between a narcissist and and a person having tendencies.
Those of us who are raised with a narcissistic parent will have symptoms of those personality disorders because we grew up in them.
They were taught to us. That’s different than our personality fixating. Once our personality fixates on narcissism or any of the personality disorders, there’s no coming back from that, in my opinion. Because of that low insight, it loops on itself. The narcissist believes they are right about everything.
They have nothing to learn from anybody else. So why would they change anything about themselves? And that’s the catch 22 of that. So for the rest of us who have some of those qualities, question “I’m not a secret narcissist?” Well, we grew up under them, so we know how they think we know how to react and respond.
But if we have the insight to ask that question, if we have the desire to want to be healthy people, if we know some of the time we mess up, we are not a narcissist. Even though we might have soaked up some of those ways of being, so what a confusing thing to figure out on our own while we feel ashamed of our own behavior.
Feeling healthy shame and feeling bad about our errors, results in an apology. That’s the main difference between a narcissist who will not apologize, and healthy growing human being.
2. How do we stop the Narcissist cycle moving into the future
Raise your children with healthy shame. Learning disappointment and how to handle that painful emotion. No more participation trophies- just a sticker encourages good sportsmanship. Healthy competition and learning to be humble and say congratulations to the winner.
Children need to learn there are natural consequences for their actions. Give them stories and examples of how adults experience consequences in the real world, so they know you are not doing the correction to be mean. You have their best interest in preparing them for adulthood.
The key in the future generations is they can’t be overly spoiled. And a lot of people give kids participation trophies, but we also can’t be overly harsh and authoritarian. There has to be balance in a middle.
And allow grace and vulnerability in your parenting, because it will never be perfect. No-one will walk that line perfectly.
And I think a lot of parents who had their own traumatic childhoods overcorrect, and they felt so badly and so shameful and so empty. That they over correct. And then they create a narcissist just like their parent. And then the cycle doesn’t end.
We have to find balance in the middle because if we don’t feel appropriate shame, we are a potential little sociopath, or narcissist.
We have to teach that teaches boundaries. Respect that you don’t get to do whatever you wanna do whenever you wanna do it. And uncomfortableness has a purpose.Uncomfortable feelings are not feelings to avoid. All of our feelings in the emotional wheelhouse of being a human are always important.
3. They wreak havoc on your self identity and worth
Nikki & I related to the similar experience of our self worth being like a puddle on the floor. Just blown up to smithereens by the narcissistic abuse we were experience on a 24/7 basis. I asked her how she found the strength and courage to finally leave. This her response:
“Because like you said, it’s very common. That self worth is like a puddle.”
Even though we may be raised in a manipulative household, we are still taught, in society as women, that the line that we carry in our subconscious is, if someone hits me that is wrong and I will not allow that.
The problem with that is it means that I allowed so much emotional abuse that really, I set myself up to have to wait to the point of it getting violent before I would give myself permission to leave.
The, the craziness that is happening because the narcissist in my life would do things like if he was upset, he’d rip the covers off of me and make me up. He wouldn’t let me sleep. Mm. And as a highly sensitive person, if there’s one thing that we need, mm-hmm to feel sane and grounded is sleep. We need to be rested.”
We automatically carry responsibility. Empaths usually take too much responsibility for what was going on. And the truth is that psychologically, we often want it to be our fault so that we have the control to fix it.
4. Don’t be fooled, abuse is not just in the obvious malignant narcissist, it can be in a “happy household” with covert narcissitic parents
We bring more hope to the fact that siblings or family can be our safe place. And we may have to test out with different people, aunts, uncles, and different people in the family system what’s really available emotionally.
We test, how much can they meet us halfway? Will they show up this time. And every time we have hope things will be different, but every time we are wounded emotionally. And from my experience it feels like the wound keeps opening deeper, and deeper the more chances I give the emotionally neglectful family member.
As adults you start to realize you need to enforce boundaries. You may ask yourself, maybe I can’t go spend a week with family. Can I spend three days? Is that too much? What is the toll on my body? The truth is you have to get real with yourself about healing, your nervous system. Because if you are not protecting it and allowing that open wound to be hurt again, my nervous system cannot heal your core wound, let alone the pain you felt from the trigger.
If you remain open to allow feeling that manipulation, your nerves cannot settle. It won’t find calm because your system is giving you warning signs. And if you want to be able to have a life where your system is not feeling constantly activated , you must limit or cut out the relationships in your life that you do not get enough positive energy out of.
And the reality is empathy without boundaries and limits will kill you.
None of us ever want to have to be done with a human being that we were related to or love, that we came into the world expecting to always have. But we have to get really real with ourselves. We have to start owning and taking responsibility for the energy that’s happening to our bodies and this system that is ours to protect and take care of.
5. Narcissists wreak havoc on your friendships
We have all experienced this, with a narcissist and a friend. You start showing signs that you are in a controlling and abusive relationship, and your friend points it out to you. You then make an excuse for the new lover, and shrug it off. After a little while your friend can’t see you hurting anymore, or you retaliate against your friend due to the narcissists lies you bought into. The narcissist strategically lies, controls your social life, and isolates you from the healthy people that will point them out.
After you have woken up, realized you need to leave and break up or escape from the narcissist friends and family that did not see your abusive situation will believe the lies and smear campaign the narcissist will perform against you. Why do people believe the narcissist, when they lie?
Well Nikki states that they are charming. That is their superpower. When you haven’t been forced to decodethe master manipulation, you don’t know how to see it. It’s like asking a colorblind person to see a color that they can’t see.
They, can have a hazy idea of what that color is, but they just don’t see it when they look out at the landscape. And unless you have tackled manipulation in your life, that naive person cannot see it. And we don’t know how to not take that personally. So we’re so raw at that point, that in some ways that can hurt more than the actual abuse.
You feel betrayed because it’s the word of the narcissist charming the human tribe. And that is, almost the dirty secret of what we’re really healing. And that isolation is really, really painful.
The aftermath of interacting with a narcissist is they wreak havoc on your emotional state, social life, and physical nervous system.
“The biggest thing for managing the aftermath of an abusive relationship with a narcissist is, stop thinking so much that something is wrong with you. Let it go. What if nothing’s wrong with you? And when someone toys with your mind, you’re supposed to feel puzzled. You’re supposed to feel screwed up.”
What if there is nothing wrong with you? What if instead of feeling outcast as a black sheep, you are a Unicorn? The game of life is all about perspective. And to thrive and win you cannot go with the flow, you have to stop and rise up. And when someone toys with your mind, it is natural for you to feel puzzled.
You’re supposed to feel lost. It’s like it would be the same thing as me taking you on a trail. Spinning you around a bunch and then going, okay. Find your way go. You can’t, naturally you are disoriented. And that is what these personality types do, they actually get high on disorienting people, because you can’t find your way when you’re disoriented and then they can control your mind.
If that trauma was our original language, it’s like we would never expect a, someone whose original language was Spanish or Italian to not think in that language.We have to continue to practice that new language because our default is that old emotional trauma language. And you don’t want that to be your automatic default.
– Nikki Eisenhauer
Follow for more. and remember…
Always keep your unique light shining.
-Raven Scott
YouTube Video
Transcript
How to master your boundaries:
- Envision yourself saying NO
- Feel the power of your self sovereignty
- Dream of yourself saying NO
- Step into your courage, pushing through fear, and taking action to say NO.
- Be detached with the others emotional response (which may be like a child’s temper tantrum)
Raven’s Book
Over the past decade Raven Scott has first, exited an abusive relationship, then found her healing and renewal through the very tools she shares in this book. This “incredibly relatable story is a healing guide that weaves a story of an empath growing up, struggling with codependency, and loving a narcissist. It guides you in transforming yourself from low self esteem, PTSD, emotional abuse, to a strong, confident, and renewed soul.
PLUS! It includes a bonus chapter on the basic overview of Human Design -Your soul’s unique blueprint.
Grab your copy of this book on SALE today! available on Amazon NOW!
Don’t take my word for it. Listen to this 1 of many reviews:
“This guide book is clearly written to serve those committed to healing and honoring their highest nature. this book is A must read on your self discovery journey!” – Abigail Gazda
The link below.
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when you are controlled by a narcissist you will never reach your true potential as a beautiful human being. There is hope though! You are here to elevate the collective and evolve in your souls journey. The dark egoistic people are drawn to your empathic light – like a moth to the light.
Raven Scott
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Know yourself more intimately on an energetic level!
All those who’ve I’ve help with this have told me what freedom they have now that they know their design and strategy.
“I salute the Divinity in you.”
– Indian brotherhood
With personal experience of being her family’s black sheep, she has embraced her solo path and dominates breaking toxic ancestral patterns.
She is an Ambassador of gain your sparkle back after narcissist abuse.
And Coach helping empaths heal from their black sheep wound through her transformational program.
Through grounded and heart centered teachings she elevates the spiritual journey and concepts that you are uniquely magnificent and contrary to your doubts, you are here for a purpose.
Her unique approach to addressing the souls journey v the ego’s protection mode, gives men and women hope and clarity of their themes they are meant to grow from.
As an international author, narcissist abuse recovering coach, Podcast host of Empath & Narcissist and creator of Embracing your Black Sheep Program she is dispelling the narcissist power one soul at a time.