Acknowledging that your mother is incapable of the love you deserve is the first step to liberating yourself and removing the blocks to your ultimate happiness.
“A flying monkey is like their little spy, like in the Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch sends out the flying monkeys to get information on her targets. That is what the narcissistic parent will do.”— Michele Johnson, Bumped Bruised & Blessed in Empath & the Narcissist Podcast Episode 75 (listen below)
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As I have my final light bulb moment about how my mother is a narcissist. I think back to all the times I made an excuse for her bad behavior. How she has repeatedly made everything all about her sad pity party. How she neglects to love me now that I have grown and do not need her anymore. And always ghosting me, making me chase after her for love.
And then I think of how I love my own children and what great lengths I go to, to lower my ego and hold space for their anger, sadness, and attitudes they reflect back to me. I can see how triggering it can be, but I also know I have worked so hard for them to not fall prey to a narcissist, that I promised myself I would never be the covert narcissist in their life.
Now I know my passionate promise was due to my subconscious knowing of the pain inflicted by the one who brought me into this world. The I felt shame and guilt because I do not live up to her Christian extremist standards. The lies shared to manipulate me to live as she approved. And the heartache of knowing she will never fight for me, and in the past, left me to remain confused and abused in a narcissistic abusive relationship.
If you can relate, I am sorry. And an amazing place to start to heal is listening to today’s podcast episode. Narcissistic Mother’s Who Can’t Love with Michele Johnson
Here are the key takeaways from our conversation and how to heal from growing up with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder Mother.
Build Your Self Esteem with Affirmations
For so long you have been put down, diminished and in a losing competition with your mother. She never lifted you up. She only tore you down to make sure she still had value. Once you become at the age where you have self awareness, around age 8, you know something is wrong, but you can’t place it. And your self esteem starts at zero and remains at zero. You do not take compliments, you hate how you look, you seek affection from others rather than knowing you are amazing just as you are.
Eighty percent of our thoughts are automatically negative, having someone, supposedly who loves you, continue to fill it with more negativity is harmful to your developing mind. But the good news is, your mind is powerful, and you can rewrite those negative narratives with self affirming positive beliefs.
If we outsource our validation to other people we are just going to be doggy paddling in a whirlpool .Stating these affirmations in the mirror, as you look at yourself in the eyes, you develop a strong sense of self. Here are some of my favorite affirmations:
I am unique and beautiful. It is safe to be in my body.
Hello Gorgeous! You got this!
I am beautiful. I am loved. I am safe. I am free. I don’t need to be like them. I just need to be like me.
I have the willpower and abundance to achieve my dreams already within me.
By The Way: I am currently sending you weekly Sparkle Reminders (Affirmations) directly to your inbox. Follow these steps to receive them.
Do Self Care Practices Regularly
Self love is not just affirmations. You need to release and free yourself from traumas and negative stories to find true self acceptance. This is the most difficult and empowering of them all. How many of you are self sacrificing to be the “good girl”, or be “kind.” As Karine Brule explained in Episode 68, our unconscious patterns hold us in servitude to pleasing others while sacrificing our pleasure. It’s worth a listen!
When you give up your power, and serve to please others, the only road that it leads to is resentment. In all honesty, healthy or npd, the other person cannot read your mind. So share what you need, share what your boundaries are, and share what brings you pleasure. …
How do you do that? Know what you need. You don’t know what you need if you do not pause and feel into it. As a Human Design Reader, I look to the Gates (energies) for clarity on how best to clear the fog of conditioning away.
Currently, August 10–15 The Sun in transiting Gate 7 of Self in Interaction. This is serendipitous timing because this energy is all about the self identity of yourself as a leader. So take the time now to journal and meditate on these questions:
- Where is my life dysfunctional and what needs to be sorted out.
- Where do I need to take action and leadership in my life?
- How can I best get “my tribe” to come into line with my direction towards a better future?
- Who is good for me right now?
- What is your legacy you wish to be remembered for?
- Who isn’t good for me that I must release?
Spend time every day healing your inner child, and investing in relationship with your self. Those who are Reflector types can align to the daily transit of the Moon. The rest of us, Manifestors, Generators, Manifesting Generators, & Projectors are here to resist the conditioning, pull out the ancestral burdens and release them, and embrace our unique badass self to increase our wisdom.
Educate Yourself on Narcissism
The most impactful element to removing yourself from the fog and confusion of the manipulative abuser is knowledge. If you know what gaslighting is and they are doing it to you in the moment, you can block from influencing you.
You have been taught by this person your whole life that abuse and conditional love is normal. Now it’s time to retrain your brain and learn what is the healthy way to relate and love through books, podcasts, therapy and blogs like this.
A few book recommendations Michele shared with us are:
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker
Controlling People by Patricia Evans
Empath & The Narcissist: How to overcome narcissistic abuse, and recover from PTSD, codependency, gaslighting, manipulation by Raven Scott
Cut Contact and Pick your Own Family
This is a taboo point. And most people will guilt you into not discarding your family of origin. I understand, it is tribal to remain loyal to your family of origin. And the quote “Blood is thicker than water.” when not met with actual actions of it’s validity is just another pretty gaslighting phrase. However, in these modern days, (modern meaning since the 1700’s) and with the influx of unhealed, unhealthy, toxic people it is necessary to cut ties and find your own tribe.
Back when we were in communities as tribes, if you had an unhealthy mother, the other women in the tribe would step in and be the mother for you. Now with modern society families now live on their own. Each independently rely on themselves and exist without the integral tribal community. Therefore humans lose the communal support and feel isolated and depressed. What you can do is return back to community and seek out your own family.
It is possible, and you may have been subconsciously attempting to find a healthy mother figure your whole life. Invest time in groups and communities of your interest where there are mature women to makes friends with. Adopt a surrogate, healthy mother and draw boundaries and reduce the amount of stress your birth mother places in your life.
You may have a mother like Michele’s who is always confronting you with drama and arguments once you draw boundaries. Then you must ignore them and not get pulled into their drama. Going no contact is the best for your sanity and your family’s sanity.
You may have a mother like mine who ignores and neglects you when you draw boundaries. Do not let the guilt seep in to reverse hoover you back into their good graces. Keeping them in your outer circle and seeing them and speaking to them on a more distant basis is going to aid in your stability. Shifting from the maiden and healing your wounds and transitioning into the Mother archetype will also help you root into your self confidence and the pain of their neglect will not be as intense.
You may have a mother in the middle and you are able to use the grey rock method where you do not engage emotionally, yet still interact with her on a superficial level.
We all have our unique journey’s and lessons. You do you, and be confident that is healthy to disconnect from your toxic mother. Others may guilt you, others may make excuses for her, bu your know the truth and remain grounded in your self-reliance.
You got this.
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- Free yourself from narcissistic abuse, and draw long lasting powerful boundaries. Grab your FREE narcissist abuse recovery workshop: It is your next step to defeating the Narcissist
- Get your FREE ticket to How to Embrace Yourself Live Workshop on Oct. 18 HERE
- Buy Empath and the Narcissist Book on Amazon with brand new cover and The audible version will be available by mid August
- Michele’s Bumped Bruised and Blessed posted our conversation on this topic as well on her YouTube channel
- I’m excited to be a part of a special event on Oct. 30th called Trauma to Triumph. There will be aware Narcissists speaking, Professional Therapists speaking, and Survivors (such as myself) sharing. And I will be leading a short guided meditation. VIP tickets will be available .
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Raven Scott is an Ambassador of gain your sparkle back after narcissist abuse and Coach helping empaths heal from their black sheep wound through her transformational program.
As an international author, narcissist abuse recovering coach, Podcast host of Empath & Narcissist and creator of Embracing your Black Sheep Program she is dispelling the narcissist power one soul at a time.
Raven Scott is providing women, who are feeling lost and alone in their journey, a community to kick ass as we become empowered together while healing from childhood trauma, abusive relationships, or plain old life, and awaken to rewrite our karmic story. Through astrology, self care, human design, & intuition.
We are energetically clearing ancestral patterns one step at a time to find our power and potential through healing so you can live empowered the unique loved individual you desire to be. Topics covered: Self development, Human design, Astrology, tarot, meditative thoughts, intuitive message from spirit, and expert guests sharing different spiritual healing modalities.