And How to stop chasing the Toxic Relationship.
“When I am not reacting to this situation where someone else is trying to make me who they want me to be? Like who am I when I actually feel free? “— Becca Ribbing Ep. 99 Empath and Narcissist Podcast
How to Stop chasing the narcissist and toxic patterns. The enlightening perspective from the Golden Child.
Today I share a conversation with Becca Ribbing
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Guest Becca Ribbing is the author of the Clarity Journal and has been a coach for over a decade. She’s on a mission to help people break out of the cycles of uncertainty and struggle that hold them back.
Here are the key moments:
A lot of times, we make excuses for the narcissist (toxic behavior). Giving them the benefit of the doubt. But how many times, over and over can you make excuses and ignore the very abuse or neglect right in front of your face? It’s time to call a spade a spade.
Coming from a place of acceptance and love, rather than hate, you can recognize for yourself this behavior is not ok. When we make excuses, we enable the behavior. It is important to boldly speak the truth while in love.
Because the more hate and attention we pour into the narcissists actions, it doesn’t solve the problem. It only fuels the pain and anger on both sides. Because the narcissist, is a human with a soul, and you empath are a human with a soul. Neither deserved the trauma you endured, yet each took a different path to cope.
So on either of the range of responses to the toxic behaviors, if you are holding bitterness, resentment, or making excuses and letting them off the hook, is not going to heal your situation, or our society at whole.
The Golden Child
Becca recently was informed that she was the golden child and a person close to her was the scapegoat. She first was taken aback, as you hear her story in the podcast.
But as she processed and realized this to be true, she was awakened to the dissonance of the praise she had been receiving from the narcissist this whole time. For so long she thought she was good because of the praise, and then she realized the empty praise was meaningless.
She was being used as a trophy and a pawn in the covert and passive aggressive way to shame the scapegoat child.
Unprofessional diagnosis is dangerous
Whether or not you label someone with a mental illness, as a narcissist, or toxic, bullying and abusive behavior that does not uplift and support another person is not ok. So often times we self diagnose, (without a dr. degree) in order to put a label on the person and identify the behaviors. Which is a great tool for the discovery period. But then we Scarlett letter that person forever with that label.
The label narcissist gets thrown around so carelessly, and I myself am guilty of calling my own mother a narcissist. When recent events showed me through the actions, that she is the enabler, her partner and my sister has the narcissistic tendencies due to the show of lack of empathy. And I’ve falsely accuse the wrong person.
I still should not use the term narcissist, unless they are diagnosed, but, there in lies the difficulty. The narcissist is above therapy and most go undiagnosed and continue to tear a tornado through their relationships and others lives they touch. And as I have hear from listeners, identifying the behavior through examples and labels does bring healing in the journey of awakening.
However, don’t hang on to the labels so tight. They are not the sum of their labels. They are a human with wounds and trauma. And they are the sum of their actions.
“You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person who bad things have happened to you. You understand?…
The world isn’t split into good people and death eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark insides. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.” –Sirius Black Order of Pheonix
So no matter what the label you may feel it is. Be sure to know unloving and selfish behavior must not be tolerated, enabled. You do not deserve to be neglected with a lack of empathy. You do not deserve to be shamed or guilted into doing something you first said “no” to. You do not deserve to feel anxiety in your own home! No matter what the label is, that is not ok.
Stress is debilitating
“The funny thing is, is when you’re in the middle of one of those, like survival situations, and I use survival loosely when you are feeling the fight or flight, the hormone, the stress hormones. you’re unhappy, but you’re running on pure adrenaline, and that really helps you get through. Once things start calming down, that’s when things hit you like a ton of bricks.”— Becca Ribbing Ep 99 Empath and Narcissist Podcast
Stress makes you feel unhealthy. when we are stressed out and our adrenals are going crazy, we tend to. Look at problems the same way over and over again. We get obsessed with the problem and we get obsessed with finding a solution, and a lot of times we’re not seeing the problem clearly, fully, and so we aren’t really engaging with it at a deep intellectual level.
You may experience stress in multitudes of ways:
- Walking on eggshells avoiding the crazy arguments
- Being physically beaten up
- Controlled and told who to be friends with
- Being isolated
- Receiving threats of blackmail
- Knowing your lover is cheating on you
- Feeling unloved by your family unit
- Having your truth turned around and manipulated back onto you
“There are three things that you need to come to terms with in life. Number one, if they wanted to, they would. Number two, no response is a response. And number three, not everybody has the same values, the same goals, or the same heart that you do “ — Mel Robbins
Take a pause and journal to find clarity and freedom
Pausing and journaling helps you get out all of the negativity, find clarity and helps you process in your own mind with no other outside input.
And when it comes to finding your way out of the maze the narcissist twists into your head, in my opinion, that is priceless!
Once you get all the thoughts out of your mind onto the paper, then you can tune into your body and heart. And I create a ritual out of this by burning the paper I just wrote all of that out to transmute it to the Divine. I surrender my burden and I wash it away in the shower or bath and it is gone from my mind and body.
It makes you feel so free! — one layer at a time.
Get my journal and burn ritual in the FREE How to draw powerful boundaries workshop
If you are still struggling with immature parents as an adult child. Becca recommend a book called “Adult Children of Emotional immature parents by Lindsey Gibson”.
And the last key moment in our conversation was:
Simply put, people say I told them not to do this or that. And they continue to do it. You must consider the other person to be like a child who is always stepping over your boundaries. Because most narcissists are stuck in their emotional body at the age of their trauma in their childhood.
So the only way for your boundaries to have potency is to following through with consequences.
There is more she shared that you must listen to. She shared 2 ways how to determine your key strength indicators that come natural to you. In order to know how to proceed with your work, and life’s purpose moving forward.
Learn more about Becca Ribbing below.
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Becca Ribbing is the author of the Clarity Journal and has been a coach for over a decade. She’s on a mission to help people break out of the cycles of uncertainty and struggle that hold them back.