How to Set Boundaries with the Toxic Narcissist | Ep 83

with Keresse, LCSW, Author, Podcaster

There are ways to overcome childhood trauma caused by a narcissistic mother. And learn how to set boundaries with toxic family members. Being raised in a narcissistic household is hard on your self worth, identity, autonomy, and overall decision making skills. And it leads to relationships with other narcissists.

You are not creating space for anybody healthy to walk into your life if your “room” is full of toxic negative people. You have to make a choice and make room for that.

Keresse Thompson

— –  Keresse Thompson, Empath & The Narcissist podcast Ep. 83 (listen below)

Listen to Podcast

Empath and Narcissist podcast

Today I share my take aways from my conversation with Keresse Thompson, LCSW, Author/Podcaster of Diary of an Empath, and Marine Corp Vet. on my show Empath & The Narcissist.

Here are some key takeaways:

Highly Self Absorbed people are unable to have empathy

Have you ever been at your lowest and your parent, sibling or lover has ignored your condition and created drama about them, and reacts so offended when you do not have energy to be so wrapped up in their problems? And then blame you for not caring about them and taking them seriously, and they tell you, you are a bad person for not caring about when they were suffering. And all the while you are laying there completely weak to even respond. They storm out and stop talking to you for a long period of time. Sound familiar? Listen to this episode to relate to our guest and learn how to handle that in a healthy way. 

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Empathy means to put yourself in another’s shoes and understand how they feel. If the narcissist sees you hurting, and relate that to a time when they were hurt and make it all about them, they are NOT showing compassion. They are not holding space for you and your pain. PLUS they are creating more pain by being mad at you that you don’t have SYMPATHY for them when they were hurting. It’s poor timing, it’s in bad taste, and it’s down right emotional abuse.

Parents with turbulent reactions cause childhood trauma

When a parent is always over reacting, and makes the child feel they are in trouble all the time, it keeps their nervous system revved up. If you experienced this in your childhood, this conditions you to be a hyper sensitive empath.

It’s a fight of flight response. And as much as it is a gift to have these abilities, it is also a curse if you do not know how to shield yourself. Feeling anxious and on high alert as an adult, waiting for the other shoe to drop, even when you are trying to have a fun outing in public takes away from the fun time being present with whomever you are with. And when you arrive home, it leaves you exhausted and drained.

Practice this empath protection meditation to create your shield from negativity

This childhood trauma spills over into your relationships as an adult, and you realize ( or don’t realize) you do not know how to relate to people in a healthy and functional way. If you do not realize, you think, why is this happening again to me? 

We learn love from our parents 

Whether it is conditional or unconditional, toxic or healthy, you learn how to love from your parents, especially our mother. 

His Holiness, The Dalai Lama says, 

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. … Children they are the generation for the future. So, past no force can change. They have the opportunity and also responsibility to create a happier world, happier future. 

The real teacher of compassion in every human beings life is our mother. … Mother is, I think, the person who introduces to us the value of love, value of compassion. The real teacher in every human being’s life of compassion is our mother.”

If you did not receive that real compassion from your mother, and your fight or flight hormones were heightened all the time, your mother has failed you. When you know only toxic, selfish, manipulative, and conditional love, it allows you to be vulnerable to that same type of love given out by the narcissist. 

This subconscious acceptance is what drives you to justify their actions and stay. You don’t know any better. But as you wake up, learn the healthy ways to love, you will learn to stop accepting this type of love, and see it for what it is. Selfish and manipulative control for their ego to be fulfilled. 

You hear the word “supply” in the information about narcissists. And this is referring to your acceptance of their conditional love. And your willingness to give them what they require so they give you love in return. This is a conditional transaction. Not true love. 

Photo by Vera Arsic on Pexels.com

In economics, in school, you learned about supply and demand. Well in this case the narcissist is the demand needing fresh supply of dopamine, that’s you. And of course you recieve dopamine as well. The problem is there is a low after a high, then in order to maintain their high they devalue you in order to rise up. And you are hit with emotional and verbal abuse. 

Their removal of love makes you want to leave and be done with them. But it is an addiction when they love bomb you back in again.

  • Studies have shown that drugs compared to emotional abuse are experienced the same in your brain.

Don’t be their factory for supply. You are far more worth that. And you deserve to be the boss of your own life. 

4 Tricks The Narcissist use to make Empaths the problem
Don’t miss these red flags! That the narcissist show and use to make you the problem and perpetuate the emotional abuse…

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 Being raised in a narcissistic household is toxic 

That toxic environment leads you down a path of detrimental decision making skills, and abusive and manipulative relationships. 

You could alternatively, leave or be kicked out of the house when you are older and be responsible and do well without that toxic stress in your life. 

But subconsciously you will end up in a similar romantic relationship because that is what is comfortable. It is all you know. 

You must recognize the abuse, seek help, therapy, and do the self developmental work on your emotional strength to shift out of that abusive cycle.

Keep good boundaries. 

Boundaries can be verbal, or nonverbal. What you say and do communicate your boundaries. 

And to know your boundaries is to know yourself intimately and what you need. That means doing the work to sit with your uncomfortable feelings.

When you feel negatively triggered, that is a moment to pause and find the solution, ie boundary, to put into place so you do not feel that negative reaction so strongly again. 

The grey rock method is a form of a boundary. You choose to not react to their negative energy. You disengage and interact with them less than you would a stranger on the street. 

Blocking their number on your phone is a boundary. 

If you have kids with a narcissist, do not react to their drama. Conduct drop off and pick up in a neutral location. That is a boundary. Learn more about co-parenting with a high conflict narcissist in this article.

How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist After Divorce
High conflict people seem to follow certain patterns. when you’re dealing with high conflict parent it is like a…

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on Pexels.com

You must put a shield up, do not assume everyone is kind and as caring as you. Most people are self absorbed, some more than others. And it is imperative you put your analytical hat on, guard your heart and your mind, and read between the lines. Watch out for red flags. And don’t dismiss an off comment as a joke. Most jokes hold truth, that are disguised as a jest.

“Empaths are often extremely compassionate. And we try to understand them so much we look past certain things. You can’t do that.

You can still have compassion for them and move those people to the very outer circle.” — Keresse Thompson, Empath & Narcissist podcast Ep. 83

Instead of having your toxic family member be in your inner circle, with calls every day. Place them further away, and wean them out. Tell them you cannot discuss certain topics, for example your marriage, if they are feeding a fire of negativity towards your partner. Only get together for holidays. Or possibly not even do that, and see them once a year. 

Your journey is different, than mine, than our guest Keresse and your other fellow narcissistic abuse survivors. Our paths towards healing and healthy relationships are as unique as our fingerprints. So listen to your inner knowing, your heart, and trust that over what the social norms guilt you into thinking. 

~Keep your unique light shining

@ravenscottshow

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If you wish to get to know the guest of the podcast Keresse Thompson more. Learn more here. :

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Guest Bio 36, Marine corps vet. Became a licensed clinical social worker 10 ywars ago. Single mom of a 14 year old girl, Empath, and pyschic intuitive. She definitely has her fair share of childhood trauma, and she spills the tea with us.

She also runs a worldwide podcast called Diary of an Empath and I am a self published author of Diary of An Empath. https://linktr.ee/Therapeutichealingbyreese

Learn more about Keresse
Guest Keresse
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Transcript

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Raven Scott

Raven Scott is an Ambassador of gain your sparkle back after narcissist abuse and Coach helping empaths heal from their black sheep wound through her transformational program. 

As an international author, narcissist abuse recovering coach, Podcast host of Empath & Narcissist and creator of Embracing your Black Sheep Program she is dispelling  the  narcissist power one soul at a time. 

Raven Scott is providing women, who are feeling lost and alone in their journey, a community to kick ass as we become empowered together while healing from childhood trauma, abusive relationships, or plain old life, and awaken to rewrite our karmic story. Through astrology, self care, human design, & intuition.
We are energetically clearing ancestral patterns one step at a time to find our power and potential through healing so you can live empowered the unique loved individual you desire to be. Topics covered: Self development, Human design, Astrology, tarot, meditative thoughts, intuitive message from spirit, and expert guests sharing different spiritual healing modalities.

Published by Raven Scott

As an international author, narcissist abuse recovering coach, Podcast host of Empath & Narcissist and creator of healing workshops. She is dispelling the narcissists' power one soul at a time.

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