Are Narcissists Insecure?

From the overconfident act, it is hard to see through the narcissist disguise. And their mask they present makes them charming, confident, and successful. But deep down inside the narcissist is hiding a dark secret. …

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Even though the narcissistic personality projects out a grandiose sense of self. The driving factor behind this attitude is not confidence, but insecurity. I know, it’s confusing to experience, because they project all the errors and flaws onto you. And so cunningly make you believe you are the one that is insecure.

And you do, we all do, but that means the narcissist is not immune to insecurities either, contrary to what they are telling you.  

Let me explain…

We are all humans

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Despite what the narcissist tells themselves and others, we are all humans with the vast range of emotions from fear, insecurity, joy, and confidence. Just because they present overconfidence, does not make them immune.

In fact according to “a new study by a team of psychology researchers. Its research, which offers a more detailed understanding of this long-examined phenomenon, may also explain what motivates the self-focused nature of social media activity.” — James Devitt NYU. 

You have felt the real pain of your x partner, share their “perfect” life on social media and showing off their new partner. The pain you are experiencing is the infuriating fact that you know that image and situation is a complete lie. This is one of their tactics to get back at you, plus it shows the world and the new “supply” that they are confident, loving, and happy. 

When in reality, they deep down have an insecurity that they will never be able to hold down a long lasting relationship. And deep down they probably have abandonment issues from childhood, and running and breaking up is the only way their insecurities can be kept quiet. 

Unhealthy coping mechanisms

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Narcissism is a very thick cloak of denial. The person who has NPD is in denial and always pushing down insecurities. And the other person in the relationship sees their confidence at face value, and takes on all the blame and projection which in turn feeds the receivers insecurities, therefore deflecting it from the narcissist. Both parties are in denial and pretending to numb their own insecurities. 

Now some of you may so, no! “They truly hurt me and did this on purpose.” And the answer is yes. Here is where, as the sensitive non NPD person, you must step up and take responsibility for what you CAN control. You can control how you react to emotional abuse. After the second time (or more) for falling for taking the blame, and hiding their insecurities in your love and “I can fix them” attitude; you now have fed your insecurities that, “no one else will love me out there.” 

Let me tell you a parable: 

One day a snake stopped at a river bank he wished to get to the other side. A turtle came along and started to enter. The cunning snake called out “Hey can you give me ride on your back?” 

The turtle said “No. You will bite me and we both will drown.”

The snake said “Exactly! Why would I bite you? We both will drown. I will die too. Come on. I won’t bite. I just wish to get across the river.”

The turtle thought this made sense so he let him on his back. Halfway across, the snake bit the turtle on the neck. 

The turtle said, “Hey! why did you do that! Now we both are going to die!” 

The snake said, “I couldn’t help it. It is my nature!” 

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Unhealthy coping mechanisms of the narcissist are: 

  • Grandiose “flexing” in public and on social media: being warm in public and cold and distant in private
  • Hiding secrets: freaks out if you look at their phone/iPad
  • Unapologetic : lack empathy
  • Avoiding issues: cold as ice, shut down to talk
  • Projecting behaviors and insecurities onto another person close to them (you)
  • Addictions — excessive drug and alcohol use and porn comsumption
  • Impulsive spending (ie. gambling)

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This new study used a behavioral metrics called FLEX. “FLEX captures insecurity-driven self-conceptualizations that are manifested as impression management, leading to self-elevating tendencies.” 

For example: They examined four components. 

  1. Impression management: “I am going to show off so the public will know I am perfect, amazing, desirable.” Leave a comment, who does that remind you of?

2. The need for social validation: “It matters that I am seen at important levels.” This is why you find Narcissists in positions of leadership, power, and religion.

3. Self Elevation: “I am so smart.” “I have exquisite taste.” Flexing and lack of humility is the narcissist talent.

4. Social Dominance: “I like knowing more than other people.” Whether they pour their time and energy into reading and research, or studying human behavior. This is a necessary tool that allows them to manipulate and rise up in power and dominance covertly.

Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash

These all build their false sense of self worth, suppressing their inner insecurities. The outside proof is how they monitor and show others they are in high regard and worthy of attention. It is an unhealthy self esteem meter that magnifies their insecurity when the mask cracks.

 This is why the narcissist retaliates and verbally abuses at the smallest of triggers. It is to vehemently defend their “house of cards” ego. 

Being on the receiving end of this is tumultuous and simply painful. If you have been berated and gaslit for saying your truth, or just being you. It is time to consider to distance yourself and get this person out of your life. 

Can the narcissist change? 

Photo by Nik Shuliahin 💛💙 on Unsplash

Narcissists’ insecurities do not go away overnight. Just as you work on your insecurities through self development practices, that is what they would need to do.

The Narcissist would need to be willing to go to therapy weekly, and stay in therapy for decades, in order to change. 

For you, in your current situation, even if they do change the process is long and hard. It is up to you if you wish to stay with them. But if you have not seen any action in their self improvement, or going to therapy, then what they are telling you are lies just so you stay. 

Why do they want you to stay? Because it is comfortable. You provide food, care and shelter that they need. Because you are their possession now. Like a toy.

 True NPD doesn’t care for your emotional wellbeing. It only consumes. It only sucks your energy. It only imprisons you. 

Seek professional help for your personal journey out from the narcissist’s grasp. This is not an easy road, and no light matter. 

And remember. Always keep your unique light shining. 

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How do you keep your unique light shining and keep the dark out? The Empath Aura Protection Meditation. Claim your free gift of the Guided Audio Aura Protection Meditation in the FREE HOW TO LEAVE THE NARCISSIST WORKSHOP. Claim HERE.

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Published by Raven Scott

As an international author, narcissist abuse recovering coach, Podcast host of Empath & Narcissist and creator of healing workshops. She is dispelling the narcissists' power one soul at a time.

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