If you are like me, you had low standards of men and dating, and are in the dark at what narcissism is. I just knew I was going crazy.
If you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, then you’re really just shooting in the dark. Our parents failed to train us to guard against the control freaks of the world. (Maybe because they were control freaks and we thought it was normal.)
“We have a tendency to overlook the flaws and when we see certain things we think that we’re tripping. You know, we’re overthinking it, we’re messing up a good thing, we’re sabotaging it.
But in reality, our good instincts trying to warn us to let us know something’s not right here. You need to pay attention. — Zemiyrah Davis Ep 95. How to Triumph over Trauma from Narcissistic Abuse
How to Triumph over Trauma from a Controlling Covert Narcissist
Today I share a conversation with Zemiyrah Davis, she is the founder and organizer of theTrauma 2 Triumph Summit, with So Divine Enterprises LLC. As a single mom to 5 children and Narcissist Survivor, Zemiyrah has been challenged with trying to figure out how to have it all while continuing to work on her healing. She runs her coaching business while making time for her baby and family.
Here are my takeaways.
Or standards are so low for the men.
And I was just watching a romantic movie. And then all of a sudden it like a light bulb came on. Why does she have the problems?
Like why does she have to fall in love with this guy who appears to have it all together and a perfect body. What the heck? This programming is insidious.
The toxic Patriarchy (not all males) has brainwashed, preached, and taught and subconsciously put in our brains ever since we’re little that we need men to guide us and to be our brain. We need to present ourselves and advertise ourselves in order to get men. And that basically we are not valuable unless we have a male attached to us and some children.
In addition as we grow up as little girls, we are not taught to look for the subtle, toxic behaviors. The behavior is shrugged off by teachers and parents that they are just being boys. This is unacceptable, we must stop making excuses for their bad behavior and hold accountable the toxic actions boy or girl. The more we do this, the more good humans we raise. But the more we allow the micro aggressions to be done because he is “a roudy boy.” then the cycle of abuse will perpetuate in the next generation.
We must be confident in ourselves, NEED NO ONE, and then a relationship can be born out of a want, not a need.
The first signs of toxic behavior to never ignore
The first signs in a relationship to never ignore is when they have controlling behavior. For instance, they don’t want you to go out at a certain time or don’t want you to drink by yourself. They hint that you look better in something they like, versus what you chose to wear.
You may think it is a little weird at first, but you shrug it off, because this is what you were taught to do as a little girl. Shrug off the “roudy boy’s” actions as nothing. And if you are in the mindset of needing a relationship you will focus on all other good qualities and overlook the micro-agressions.
And when you ignore the subtle toxic behaviors and lean in to the teachings of “ if he doesn’t beat you or cheat on you, then you are good.” then you are in for a world of hurt. It will lead you down a path of being in one toxic relationship after the other. Because emotional abuse is real abuse.
Narcissists love is very transactional
Another sign you were with someone toxic is they never celebrate you for who you are. You always feel like you have to over-give or overcompensate in other ways in order to prove your value. For instance, you feel the need and there is an unspoken contract for you to cook all the time for them, or give them “as the stressed victim” massages.
Back to the cooking example, if you have to cook it again because your know you are going be punished or I berated and you will hear this big whining cry baby. — they have already trained you to please them. A grown man CAN cook his own food precisely how he wants it. And if you do not cook it to his satisfaction, a healthy man will appreciate your effort, and put the meat back on the grill himself for a little longer. No drama about it. A narcissist will make your feel lower than dirt because you under cooked their meat.
If you find yourself over-giving unnecessarily, just to prove that you are good enough, and you are burnt out, and you are not receiving anything back, this is a sign you are in a toxic relationship.
Most of the abuse covert narcissists perform is emotional neglect. If you feel neglected by someone who is in a role of a parent or lover, that is a big red flag. Those people, if healthy, will never make you feel neglected.
On a daily basis, you should not feel lonely while with someone. If they walk out of the house without saying good bye, that’s a red flag. If they sit off by themselves mostly, that’s a red flag. If they fail to say I love you genuinely, regularly that’s a red flag. If their biggest celebration of you is a chain restaurant on your birthday (if even that), that’s a red flag.
If you are having a lot of arguments, and you are putting up with their drama 90% of the time, that’s a red flag. If the good times is one weekend away at a staycation to make up for the 90% of their bullshit, that’s a red flag.
The thing is with cover narcissists, is they cover their tracks (maybe unconscious) but they focus on proving to the world that they are good by being a volunteer, philanthropist, or good religious person. They are a perfect citizen, but fail to love and cherish those they “possess” at home.
If you tell them to stop and change their behavior, and they say they will, but don’t past a weeks time, that’s a red flag. I could go on and on. But I hope I made my case about neglect is abuse. There is no excuse.
How narcissists treat their child
How the narcissist treat their child (or unborn child) is heartless and cold.
In this episode Zemiyrah shared her story of already having four children, three from a previous relationship, and one with her last narcissist boyfriend. She panicked because she didn’t know how she was going to afford another mouth to feed.
At first she and her partner decided that she was going to have an abortion. She kept going back and forth about the decision and didn’t feel settle. In the mean time her narcissistic partner had no second doubts about it. Yet he only had one of his own.
Everytime she would work out, outside of the sphere of the negativity of the narcissist she would gain clarity that everything would be ok. And then she would go back home under the hypnotic cloud and fear she just couldn’t handle it.
And one day at the gym a voice was so loud in her head told her “It’s not your job to take this life that I’ve given you. You don’t have that power, you don’t have that right to take this.” And so she agreed. She then thought she was going to miscarry due to some bleeding. She went to the hospital, got checked out, the baby was fine. She answered her boyfriends text, that baby is fine. And the controlling Narc kicked it. “He calls me and then basically tells me, you know, I know you’re not gonna keep that baby like that baby.” As if it was like not a baby that we created together.
She replied “ I actually had told you. I feel it’s not my job to take a life.” He then replied just going on and on and harping her about her decision (to do with her body btw). And then the last thing he mentioned was, “Well, you I think we just got the co-parent because, I feel like you betrayed me.” He said it as if she told him she got pregnant by somebody else. It was just the craziest thing ever she could experience. She couldn’t even comprehend it at the time.
So she left with all her children, and they are peaceful and happy on their own with no toxic man.
Trauma 2 Triumph Virtual Summit
On Oct 30 I have the honor of speaking and leading a mini meditation at the Trauma 2 Triumph Summit. How to Overcome Narcissistic Abuse and Heal.
This summit is hosted by the Narcissist Survivor and Coach Zemiyrah Davis, the guest of this blog and podcast, of So Divine Enterpises LLC.
Our goal is to impact over 100,000 men nd women to become completely free from narcissistic abuse.
This summit features coaches, speakers, podcast hosts, authors, spiritual teachers, along with two top self-aware narcissist.
This is for men and women who wish to break free from the grasp of the narcissist’s manipulation, and abuse. Release codependency, and gaslighting and Rise up and Regain your life’s sparkle back.
Here’s what is going to be covered in the Video Interviews:
- How to break free from the trauma bond
- How to guard against negative energy and dispel the narcissist
- How to have complete freedom from the narcissist and change your story so that you can change your life
- How the narcissist used love to manipulate you
- Why empaths attract narcissist and what you can do about it
- Confessions into the mind of a narcissist
- How, You can use the power of your words to heal
- How domestic violence with the narcissist begins within
This summit will be jam packed with REAL interviews with Self-Aware Narcissist’s Narcissist Survivors and Coaches, like myself who have overcome NA Abuse.
So let me ask you this — What would it be worth to you to be able to sit with 5 top Narcissist experts (including myself) and 2 top self aware narcissist who are crushing it in the narc awareness community? Such as Lisa Sonni, Leon Walker, Ben Taylor, Dr. Marcia Martin, and more!?
And what is in the way of you finding out how they freed themselves, have healed with real results, and can help you?
For me it’s priceless, and means the world! This is why I’m speaking and attending too.
And remember, Keep your Unique Light Shining.
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Zemiyrah Davis is the founder and organizer of theTrauma 2 Triumph Summit, with So Divine Enterprises LLC. As a single mom to 5 children and Narcissist Survivor, Zemiyrah has been challenged with trying to figure out how to have it all while continuing to work on her healing. She runs her coaching business while making time for her baby and family..