When you Cry in Front of a Narcissist they BREAK your HEART | S3 Ep 42

Healing after a broken engagement from a Narcissist she was lucky to get away from a cold, heart less man who dumped her because she cried after he insulted her.

“And those are hallmarks of a healthy relationship. And, you know, I do have a mental health background and so I know the hallmarks of it, but I just didn’t.”

Raven Scott
wedding bouquet of cream roses and babies breathe with text Narcissist Survivor, Empath & The Narcissist Podcast title When you cry in front of a narcissist they break your heart with Amanda Kline.
When you cry in front of a narcissist they break your heart

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How to Embrace your Queen Energy and Shed the Narcissist's Control with Lady Portia Empath And The Narcissist: Healing Guide from Abuse and PTSD

"Don’t give two shits about what anybody else thinks dance to the beat of your own drum. " – Marcus Hunter NeilLearn how to rid yourself of the toxic narcissist in your life and step up into your own queen power. Today I share a conversation with Marcus Hunter Neil pioneer drag queen Lady Portia Instagram: https://instagram.com/ladypandme (@ladypandme) Marcus is a MindValleys Irish Ambassador, Coach, TedTalker, Podcaster, Pioneer Drag Queen, Ambassador for the NSPCC Here are some key moments: Being with a narcissist is like Grey Gardens pretending to be glitterati while you’re living in a dilapidated house. “ No one sets out to actively be a narcissist and the victim of a narcissist. It just happens.“ It's the narcissists personality. Be your own wing man, defend yourself and take no mistreatment Relationship should be a want not a need No matter how much self work you do if you and the other person are not a fit you are not a fit Know your values know your worth. Because if you don’t have standards then you will shape shift for whomever you’re with. Do not put anybody even royalty on a pedestal because we are all human beings at the end of the day Here’s a test exercise can you list five things that you love about your narcissistic partner? if not then you are stuck in a scenario in the wrong environment and you’re making excuses each day as to why you will not break up with them.  Love yourself radically. Be secure enough in your own skin no matter what happens when you come out on the other side it will all be fine.  https://the-thriving-intuitive.captivate.fm/https-bit-ly-3xjlfvb (Trauma 2 Triumph FREE Ticket) Follow and DM me http://intagram.com/ravencottshow (@ravencottshow )"free gift" to get your FREE Draw Powerful Boundaries Workshop Better Help : https://betterhelp.com/empath (Empath get 10% off your first month) Empath & The Narcissist https://ravenscott.show/empath-and-the-narcissist (Book) : Support the Show Get Human Design Reading:https://ravenscott.show/shop ( SHOP ) Grab coaching sessions and more FREE Gifts on the website http://Ravenscott.show/blog (Ravenscott.show) Madhvi – https://madhvi.ca (Emotion Code FREE Inquiry Call) Music YouTube Library: Til I Let Go by Neffex Mentioned in this episode: Trauma 2 Triumph Summit https://the-thriving-intuitive.captivate.fm/https-bit-ly-3xjlfvb (Trauma 2 Triumph FREE Ticket)
  1. How to Embrace your Queen Energy and Shed the Narcissist's Control with Lady Portia
  2. Emotional Damage and Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse through the Emotion Code
  3. How to Relieve Anxiety from Narcissistic Abuse through your Gut with Camila Smith
  4. Why Empaths Attract Narcissists with Soulmate Coach Jeanne Sullivan Billeci
  5. 16 Self Care Tips for Libra Season – Bonus
Host Raven Scott
Guest Amanda Kline

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“I just had so much love for this person. And I thought that was going to be it.” -Amanda Klines

Healing after broken engagement from a Narcissist, she was left empty and confused. …Until she gained support of family and friends. Listen in to this epic story.

Today I share a conversation with Amanda Kline.

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Here is our conversation:

Youtube Live Human Design Explained : Is it self improvement?

So thank you so much for being here, Amanda. Um, I, you just said that I’m your second podcast that you’re on.

You are. Thank you for having me.

Yeah. What, what is the motivation to speak out and start to get on post?

I think a big motivation for me is it’s very cathartic and healing for me to get my story out and just let it out and tell people about it.

I think heartbreak and narcissistic abuse and not seeing red flags in a relationship is very common nowadays. And I don’t think it’s talked about, there is a stigma still against mental health and all of these things.

But also I think heartbreak and narcissistic abuse and not seeing red flags in a relationship is very common nowadays. And I don’t think it’s talked about, there is a stigma still against mental health and all of these things. And if me telling my story. And where I am now to see how much I’ve grown and that I am healing.

If it helps one person or it gives one person hope. I think that means a lot to me right now, or if it helps in a relationship and opens a dialogue, those are very important things to me right now to give people. And, you know, I’m just in the process, I’m two months out, but I just think it’s a very valuable lesson to learn that this woman is going on a podcast and spilling her soul and trying to help other people in the past.

Yeah, you’re very brave. And you were very strong for hopping on and talking about it right after. But I think you’re right. It’s cathartic talking about it. That’s that was the process of my book is I wrote it like three different times, three different versions. And the first one was like, I was mad and it was like, well, no, one’s going to want to read this sob story.

Then the second version was like, maybe I should just talk it out, like how you’re doing it. Like just talking. Yeah. The third version was like, okay, let’s actually create something. That’s benefiting everyone. So it has like all those different healing modalities at the end of each chapter, it was like, okay, let’s make this purposeful.

I love it.

Yes. I think giving people after heartache tools to heal or just little tidbits of information is very important to a person during, you know, a devastating time in their.

Well, plus it also like the biggest takeaway that are always here. Like when I share my story with anyone else or whatever feedback, I’m sure you’ve already received this feedback is I don’t feel alone.

You know, that feeling of like, I’m the only one who this has happened to, and that’s just not true. You’re not.

I think that’s a big thing, creating a community around your relationship and your heartbreak and hearing other people’s stories. That’s what helped me. I mean, joining a support group on Facebook and just hearing other people that you’re not alone and this does happen and that will be okay.

Won’t be okay. We crumb it occurrence a month maybe, but you’re on a path of healing.

Yeah. So Amanda, let me share it with the audience a little bit about you. We just like hopped right in. Cause I was like, this is fascinating already. I have a question for you, Amanda. She grew up in New Jersey and she went to Boston to pursue her undergraduate degree in child psychology and development from Wheelock college.

She then received her S uh, what does that mean?

Yep. A P S Y D. So it’s above a master’s, but right below your doctorate. So I’m in the middle of, and she’s in the middle.

She’s like almost a doctor from Suffolk university career began in several mental health facilities for children in Boston. And then she transitioned into becoming an award-winning childcare director in the private sector.

And after moving back to New Jersey, she became a social worker for a nonprofit and assisted children diagnosed with cancer and their families. Currently, she’s a teacher in a private school and is the owner of her own tele-health business that focuses on child counseling and development. And you’re a proud dog mama and enjoys musical theater and cooking.

So. Cool. Wow. Yeah. So of course I can already see, like you’re a very caring person. You want to help others. You have a beautiful light with inside you that that was, uh, you know, like that drew the moth to the flame essentially. Tell us a little bit about your story.

So it was actually right after COVID I lost my uncle and it was heartbreaking and I decided then I was going to make love a priority in my life and find it.

And nowadays you do that on the dating apps. Right. And I met this man on a dating app and right from the start, it was. The prince charming syndrome as I call it, I got texts and calls. We both went to school in Boston. We both from New Jersey and it just was inundated with all those nice things. You hear that, you know, you’re special.

You’re the one you’re this. And I haven’t heard that in so long. And so just to hear those things and just as charming and as sweet as he came across, I fell in love with him and. It was amazing. And you know, for the first few months you hear those nice things. We were engaged two and a half months after meeting.

Wow. Yeah.

That’s that’s cool. Very quick. And you hear all those cliches that it’s quick, but when you’re in it, you don’t feel that you feel the love. And you know, at the end now that I’m processing things, I see a lot of red flags and behaviors that were not okay. And you don’t realize that until the end, until you’re talking to someone and you see their facial reaction about something.

And then. And then you realize that it wasn’t okay to treat another person like that. And that’s what you start realizing they afterwards. But when you’re in it, you think that that is prince charming in the Disney video coming across on his white horse, ready to marry you and have a child with you and do all those things.

And in my self nature, I’m a perfectionist, I’m a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy and I was a very viable target for him.

I, I can relate to that whole perfectionism people pleaser. Yeah. Some people would call that empath. I know there’s a lot of terminologies about that. I think we all have empathic capabilities.

I think that’s what makes us not psychopaths is we have empathy for others. Yes. But, um, those who are more willing, I think, to take the blame or bend over backwards to keep the peace is who they really attract to. Correct.

I definitely see, in retrospect, I was an easy target. Anything

like in your child or that happened, have you in your healing process, come back.

I’m an only child. So I think I am just more of that perfectionist people-pleaser personality because I am an only child and I got straight A’s I got a full scholarship to Wheelock. I did all these accomplishments. And so I think I just want to make people happy and make everybody. Okay around me. And that, that brings me happiness that, oh, everyone’s okay.

We’re good. I am doing everything I need to do to make you happy. And I think that when I went to Boston, I gained independence. I gained all those things, which were wonderful. And then when I moved back, I entered into this relationship. Fell back into more of the people pleasing. I don’t want to rock the boat.

This is the person I love just all those cliches that you hear, that you don’t want to upset this person, because you love them so much. You don’t want to disturb them because when you have in the past, they have not reacted kindly to it. And so all of those factors, I think he knew I was a target and he knew my upbringing and everything with that.

So.

Yeah. They, they know that there are certain people that will put up with their crap and then once they find them, they, like you say, they love bomb them

full

term. I just learned. Yeah.

I mean, it’s, it’s exactly what you experienced, right? It’s like you, yourself receiving all these. BOM BOM

BOM and on social media as well.

I’m not a big social media person. My Facebook and Instagram are inundated with you. Look so pretty post this about me post this post, this picture of us. And I did it. I was like, sure.

He was like requesting,

oh yes, post this picture, post this I’m going to post one on Monday. So you post one on Tuesday.

Okay.

That’s really weird.

But

in the middle of what you’re experiencing it, you’re probably like, oh, he’s so cute. He wants to like, show me all right. What were you thinking?

I was thinking he wants to show me off and this is how he shows love. This is how he’s has a career where he is in the public. And I think that.

It was, oh, I could be a part of that. He’s trying to incorporate me in his world and that’s how he shows it through social media or other things that occurred. And that’s what I really thought. I thought this person loved me and adored me as much as I love them because I went into this relationship with all myself and.

Yeah, it’s hard when you think the person is that’s, they love you. And then you realize it’s not, it’s just about them and about what you can do for them or what feeling you can make them feel. And when you realize that I realized that, of course, at the end, when I was in it, I was just like, asked me to jump how high I’m going to jump, how high.

Yeah. And when I asked, was it like, um, respectable public. Uh, job. Yes. Yeah. That’s, that’s another thing too, is they hide in those type of.

He has several businesses. And if you met him, you would be like, this man is amazing and that’s the way they come across, I think, and that’s not their true self. And I didn’t realize until.

I told my family about what he said and what he asked me to do. And I told the therapist what he said to me. And those were the things that in retrospect, you realize it is all about them and you don’t have a voice in the relationship. And I don’t think I ever truly did. And when let’s say, for example, I did my toe in the water and said, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.

I’m feeling this, his response would be well, then you can leave. Or I won’t show my emotions and you know, my toe went right back out of that water because I loved him and I didn’t want him to kick me out and do those things. I really thought this was my person. And he knew that

they’re really good at the takeaway.

Like there’s not the term, right? Like when you’re trying to sell something, you’re like, oh, don’t N like the takeaway, like they, they look like you just learned the love bomb. They love bomb. Love. It gets, you locked in, they have you up on the shelf and then you just kind of express yourself as a healthy, independent human being.

They don’t like it cause that’s, doesn’t fit in their box of control. And then all of a sudden something’s taken away. Like for me, it was patient for you. It’s like, well, then you can kick, kick you out of the house or probably emotionally. Right. Um, that.

He would exactly, he would just stop. If I ever had a disagreement or argument, let’s say the first thing he would say was blame me and say I was gaslighting him.

And that I’m verbally abusive. If I tried to explain my feelings and I would maybe say a sentence saying that, you know, I didn’t mean it like that. I mentioned like this. And that is when it would be you’re gaslighting me. That was the term. And I’m verbally abusive.

That’s so tricky. That’s so tricky. And I just saw some other video on YouTube about like the narcissist claiming to be empath.

Like they’re taking all the lingo, like that’s what they’re experts at taking the lingo and twisting it around

on you a hundred percent. And that’s what occurred. It would be. Oh, Um, Amanda, no, no, no, that’s not what you mean. Or now, you know, the arguments over your gas lighting me. And I would just be explaining simply on the simplest terms.

Just how I was feeling.

And he’s not gaslighting everyone who’s listening. That’s

not healthy expression of your feelings. And that’s my thing is at the end of the day, how do you expect a relationship era, marriage, or to bring a child into this and have that and have that kind of communication where I’m always wrong?

I’m always. And you can’t grow in a relationship. You can’t grow in a marriage. It’s not a healthy and normal thing. And that’s, I think at the end of the day, I realized that he is not mentally and emotionally capable of having that relationship. And I got the brunt of it. I got the heartbreak from it, but on his end, he’s not capable of those things.

And when you realize that you’ve come to that realization, there’s something very powerful and healing about it that, you know, this would have never worked out. This would have ended much worse than it did.

Yeah. And I had just posted today on a short about you gain, you gain your freedom and happiness.

Once you’re able to disconnect yourself from the fantasy you’ve created, right. Well, especially because you always refer back to the beginning of the

relationship. That’s what you’re heard holds onto the good time,

because they were just pouring it all out. So that’s like kind of sit back and not have to like make it any effort.

And if this means anything, this is how I think I had the rose colored glasses on, on our second date in person. And he turned to me and said, you need to lose weight. No,

And how did you not take offense to that?

I didn’t because. He was under the guise of it. We’ll get you healthy. I want to be with you long-term and this will be a healthy choice for you.

And I thought in my naive mind, yes, he is. Right. I’m not sin by any means, but I’m not obese, but yes, I could. I understand where he is coming from and I don’t want to lose him and I’m going to do this. And I, I mean, he was very strict with me. I can say that I was told what to eat. I was told I had enough things of that nature.

And I think that was the first start of control, I think by just putting it out there and me just saying, okay, and me. Losing so much weight in such a short time. I think he knew I was in, and at the end of the day, I feel like I was his Barbie that, you know, he bought makeup for me and told me what to wear and how to get my nails done and all of those things.

And I was his barn. Yes. I was a real life Barbie to him. And you know, when he was done playing with me, I was in the trash and gone. Right. And that’s what I refer to it as a lot. It just, is that feeling of, yeah. You’re not yourself anymore. This person made you into the amalgamation of what they thought they wanted and just didn’t.

And then just threw me out in less than 24 hours. My breakup occurred. Um, and it’s very hard to get out of that mind frame. I mean, I remember a couple of weeks after I was getting my nails done and I was sitting at the nail salon going, what color do I pick? He’s not texting me on what color to pick and things like that.

And I’m sitting there 10 minutes going, what looks good? It makes you question yourself. And before this relationship, I never questioned myself. I was very confident. I was very outgoing and you know, it’s a process to get that back.

It is it, is they really mess up your mind?

It is a complete mind. I mean, the first two weeks, I was not in my right frame of mind at all from this, but then when you start realizing what they’re doing and that you lost so much of yourself and that you didn’t have a voice in it and that they were so controlling and they did these things, and I’m very lucky that.

I have a very supportive family and friends system. And I have a very wonderful therapist that really got me through it and had me do the work to find that out myself. Yeah. This was a narcissist that took advantage of me. And really, really, I think at the end, wanted to cause a lot of pain for me and the end of the breakup.

And I think he got satisfaction out of my crying and out of a canceled wedding. I canceled all our wedding plans myself. I think he got satisfaction out of that. Like I’m decisive. I made my decision it’s about me and that was.

So he called it off. Or was it mutual? Like you started to actually speak your mind.

And then

he, I started to stand up little bits, I would say, like baby steps and it wasn’t anything severe. And again, it would be, I was gaslighting and I’m verbally abusive. Normal normal phrases. And then one night we were on the couch and he asked me, are watching a dating show. And he asked me, who do you think I would date on the show?

I named some girl. He goes, oh, and looked right at me and said, I liked you when you were checking.

Wait a second. He just controlled you to like, lose

all that weight. And he goes, see, I liked you at any weight. And the end, I started hysterically crying because they worked so hard and I felt like it was just a dig at me and just to say something.

And then the next day he called everything off. I was, we shared a home and he kicked me out and told me that was it. And. He said that he would need 24 hours to maybe think about it. So that night I called him and I said, let’s talk about it. Like adults let’s, you know, take a step and talk about it. He never picked up the phone and he started texting me saying that it’s over.

It’s all my floats, good luck with my next fiance. And I enter a 20 minutes of texts, constant. Um,

Yeah, I’m sure he said a lot more worse things. They just, and they don’t want to actually hear any rebuttals. So,

and that’s what happened. I said one mean thing back to him and it was not a curse word. It was not anything, one thing out of 20 minutes of you just breaking me.

And that’s when he said I am blocking you. Blocked me on his phone. Took down all the pictures in social media. Changes status to single and blocked me. And that is the last I’ve ever heard of him.

Yeah. A real healthy connection emotionally with someone can’t can’t disconnect that quickly. Can’t take those all down act quickly,

less than 24 hours.

Yeah. Nor would

give up over a small, strange conversation that he’s got.

And I think it comes to the root of, he didn’t want to admit that he said that and that it was inappropriate to say, and he just didn’t feel like doing it and got upset about it and made a decisive decision, which is in his nature.

I remember I asked, I think when we first met, you don’t have any girls on your social media, do you date to you? What do you do? He goes, oh, when I’m done with them, I’m done with them. And I break up with. Um, so it was a foretelling, a foreshadowing of what would occur and yeah, and I moved out the next day and I went back and any gift I’ve given him any remnants of me, pictures, everything, all in the garbage.

And I think again, it shows that he just takes satisfaction. He knew I was going to go in there and be very upset to see that, and he’s fine with it. And that’s his decision and he is right. And it was very, it w the whole thing was very psychotic and very scary to go through. And, you know, we had engagement guests that he told me just to leave there.

We had a bank account. He told me that’s his.

So he kept all of your.

All our engagement money is with him.

I’m so sorry,

but I think that’s a very normal thing to do.

And yes. So I think toward the end it was just very heartbreaking and I think that’s what he wanted. Yeah.

Yeah. They you’re right. They do take pleasure out of hurting others because the other part of the narcissist of why they’re, so I don’t know, like emotionally disconnected and evil towards that.

Is it because they can’t process things, they take things very personally. And so then the revenge is like their go-to. So

revenge stuff he did

towards you was just a way for him to protect himself from feeling anything. If he did at all. I mean, he might have had some fractions, like I, you know, I’m 10 years out of mine and I, I saw, like I could see that there was.

Some emotional connection, but since it was an unhealthy, like they really don’t know how to connect with. They don’t know how to follow through. They don’t know how to resolve conflicts like adults, like you said, like an adult, he probably took offense to that and let his ego because you’re like, I am an adult, but it’s like, he’s acting like a child

because exactly.

I think there’s a level of immaturity with it and that you don’t want to show humanity or any emotion toward another person or respect their feelings. It is all about you and what you’re feeling. And. You know, whatever the case may be. I just wanted to sit down and talk about it and have a voice even at the end.

And I was denied that.

Yeah. Yeah. If they’re denying you the voice all throughout, they can’t handle it, especially in the end when there’s major.

Yeah. Oh, definitely. It was so quick and decisive and, you know, I was just erased in a matter of 24 hours and our wedding was four months away. So just that whole concept of it.

And so many losses. I lost my home. I lost the love of my life. I thought he was his family who was nothing but nice to me, the loss of a wedding, the loss of everything. And then now to see that I don’t think he had any real concrete feelings for me now to have that added to the mix. It’s very painful and it’s very hard to heal and work on yourself and do those things as a process of it because.

You know, if you told me four months ago, I would be here. I would be like, no way. That’s ridiculous. And now to see all the manipulative manipulative behavior that he really showed me was, and really did, to me, it was heartbreaking. And that I was so blinded by the charm and the little nice things he did.

And just wanting to please him. I just feel that I was just his target and he did what he did. And now it’s over and done with

yeah. Yeah. It is. It’s a hard process. It’s a hard pill to swallow and you’re so incredibly strong and brave. And like you said, you have your support group. I would advise everyone to also find a therapist or for me, I didn’t have a lot of money.

So a social worker helped me. Um, so there’s ways to get help from,

there are so many ways now online support groups going into your community, a community service center, and just saying, sitting down and talking to someone. And that’s something that I think everyone can do for themselves right now. And that mental health, it’s not a stigma.

You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s something that you can do for yourself, especially at the time of heartbreak. And when you need an outside source. Just to give you some perspective and let you talk and say these things. That was a very big help for me. I would say yes. He told me what to eat. He gave me a list of what to make for dinner that night.

And I went grocery shopping and did it. And I did all those things. And my therapist looked at me. He goes, you did what. And what were you doing? And all of those things, just to hear an outside perspective. And he said, what to you? I remember I was in my second session and I said, he told me it was 36 years about me.

Now. It’s all about him. And just, that was her face, that face. That was like, are you sure that what

with that? But I’m sure it’s the tone and the delivery, right? That’s right.

It is with a smirk and like beloving eyes. You know, as a background, he had, um, a physical ailment that he was getting surgery for.

So I think that was another excuse I used for him. Oh, he’s in pain. He’s having a bad mental health day. He’s doing this, he’s doing that. And I think that was another reason why I justified a lot of the behavior that was there. And, you know, it’s really, really sad that I did that because I don’t even know if that point.

It was true or was more in his head or those things just now to see. So I think I use that as an excuse for a lot of what he said and the actions he had toward me. And it’s very sad. It’s hard to get over and, you know, every day my therapist gave me great advice. Find the support that speaks to you during.

Find those people that are going to be there and what you really need that day and seek that out.

Yeah. Which would then I would say beg the, the practice to actually listen to yourself. Right. Listen to what you need. What are your for so long, you’ve been attending to.

Yes. I remember I sat down. I think it was like two weeks ago and I sat down.

I was like, I can watch what I want on TV. I don’t have somebody telling me this is what we’re going to watch tonight. And all of those things, I can just sit and like do a chat. What is this technology? It was a live right now. It’s the little, it’s the little things during this. And I was like, wait, I get to like, post me doing something.

Not like, what is this? It’s that little bit of freedom you get that. You’re like, I enjoy this and that’s okay to enjoy it. And it’s so key to do those things and it’s okay to break free of the cycle that I was in.

Yeah. Binge-watch you know, all the girly girl, whatever, like you weren’t allowed to watch.

Yes.

I even turned on my radio in my car super loud on my way to work. And I’m like, look at this, I get a pic. This is amazing,

I guess. So for all of you dating or entering dating, or with somebody who is extremely controlling about everything that you’re consuming or that you get to consume together, You know, healthy relationships, don’t have a monopoly on who is listening to which station or what you’re watching all the time, how the relationships have two TVs and a house where you can go watch your thing totally on your own.

And he can watch his

one

TV, then you’re like, okay, tonight’s your night. Tonight is mine. I, and you switched to ever again.

And that’s what another big benefit I’m taking out of everything is what a healthy relationship really looks like to me. And it was not what I was in and I’m trying my best to now see what I want in a relationship and heal from this.

And I think that’s a very important thing that I do want to voice. I’m not going to be scared to voice my opinion. And just because of. Voice your opinion. You don’t love the person any less. You’re just trying to have the relationship grow. And that’s something that is really inundated in me now that I really want to find those things

and a healthy partner isn’t operating out of lack.

Like you hear kind of this concept of the spiritual world operating out of abundance or lack. So when you’re in a relationship with a healthy partner versus the narcissist who is always operating in lack, so therefore they’re always taking, can you hear me? then they’re operating out of abundance. They’re like, I have space for you and for me, whatever you want, I know I’ll have time for what I want and you can do things together, come to compromises and enjoy each other’s company.

And those are hallmarks of a healthy relationship. And, you know, I do have a mental health background and so I know the hallmarks of it, but I just didn’t.

I just had so much love for this person. And I thought that was going to be it.

Sorry. My door’s on my doggy is like, Going in and out. I can’t

hear the doggies, so you’re fine. If he’s

quiet. He’s pretty good.

Yeah. So before we finish, I just wanted to touch more on this prince charming or this love bombing area, because yes, this is a term that I think everyone’s starting to, like, you just heard it.

Um, Leah last year. So my ninth year out of my narcissist, let’s talk a little bit more about that because you’re smart. You’re educated. You have the background of knowing all of the signs, but what are, what are some ways that maybe someone can avoid or look out for that love bombing character?

I think the thing that they have to go first off and really look for is when they start telling you a week into it.

I think you’re the one saying those like cliche phrases of, I really think you’re the one. And I think I love you right now. And it’s only been two weeks or it’s only been two dates. And I think that. A big red flag and also you can text someone and you can call, and I understand that it makes you feel loved when they call constantly and do those things in the beginning, but there is a limit if they are doing it.

I mean, I had my phone one morning at work, just going off for two hours straight of tax. And I think that’s something that you really have to look for. Yeah. And especially

when you’re at the beginning of the day to your butterflies, It’s almost like magnifying all those butterflies and like playing

it.

Yeah. Yes. And they know that you’re enjoying it to some degree. So they’re going to keep doing it. They’re going to just keep on you and on you. And you know, at first it’s very nice things that you want to hear. That’s the other thing it’s not telling you, Hey, lose weight, wear your hair this way, wear this lipstick.

Don’t don’t say that. Don’t do that. You know, clean the house, do your job, do everything. And that’s it. They’re not going to tell you that from the beginning, it’s all going to be very sweet and loving and kind things that you really do want to hear as a person, as a human. You want to hear those nice things.

And when the, you, they keep coming at you, you think, wow, this person really loves me and this person, but no, they’re just grooming you for their next steps of. Putting those drops of manipulation in of here where this do that.

Yeah. Yeah. Fast and furious is great for cars and movies, but it’s not good for relationships.

That’s what I thought, you know, I was brought up in those hallmark Disney movies that in an hour, they’re going to kiss me and we’re going to get married and, you know, I, I almost had it, but I didn’t, it’s not realistic. That’s what I realized the movie

tending line. Isn’t real life

timeline. It is not. And I thought it was because it, our relationship did occur so quickly and that’s not normal.

That’s not a realistic time. And, you know, I can see now that it was very, very not okay. And not stable behavior for a person to exhibit toward another person, especially when they say they’re going to marry them. And they say, they love you. It’s when you see that and you feel uncomfortable, say something, that would be my advice just to say.

Say how you’re feeling. And if the other person reacts in a negative way, that should be a red flag to you, you shouldn’t have to button up because a person is saying those things and then tells you two seconds later that they love you and whatever the case may be.

Yeah. Yeah. It’s almost like no matter how open and how deep you want to dive in, when you’re dating, you need to have your radar up all the time in a B.

You know, analyze what they’re saying.

Just take that second. That’s what I tell people. Take that second, just to step back and be like, did he just tell me to lose weight? Did he just tell me that I need to change my shirt and change my lipstick and do all those things and just take a second and realize, wow.

This is really all about his needs and what he wants you to be. And no person should have to go through that.

Yeah, absolutely. Just like have a few mantras or have a few rules. If he tells me if he’s trying to control me or tells me anything about how to manage my own body, self and life like

ditch up.

Exactly. I even got a new job during this time. And. He wouldn’t ask me about it a lot. And if I did go on, he would tell me I was ranting. That was a catcher. You’re ranting about your job. And I’m just telling you how many days it was. But if you want to go on an hour and tell me how your day was your sweetie, go for it.

I.

Zero capability of the reciprocation of

exactly. And in all facets of the relationship, it’s all about them and their needs, and they will manipulate you into getting their needs. And I think that’s. Not mental, healthy, healthy for a person to do. It’s not, it’s not okay. Behavior. And I think just the way he ended it, everyone goes, well, you got closure, but it was in the most psychotic way possible.

And I go, I did. Yeah, that is what he wanted. And that was his decision. And just, if that does come to that in a relationship, just have humanity for the other person and sit down and talk to them and let them have a voice. Let them have it. Even though you might be mad about something they said, or you like to have those narcissistic tendencies.

It is all about, you just have that one second of clarity, just on a human level for that other person, because I was broken for two weeks, three weeks over it. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t do the normal things I like to do. And it is really heartbreaking for that other person.

It is. Yeah. You’re lucky that he ended it to be honest, even though it was heartbreaking.

Everybody’s first reaction to me is you’re lucky. You know, now it could have been worse and that resonates a lot with me because you hear those stories where people stay in a relationship and they don’t get out of it. And I think that’s something that really resonates with me now, when I see his behavior and I see how he ended it in during the relationship.

And you see that. You know, you just, you feel that, well, now I’m safe and now I have a voice and now like Penn do things and it hurts the ending. It all hurts, but you at least know that for yourself, that it could have been a lot worse. And when you hear people tell you that it really resonates with you.

Yeah. Yeah,

because there, I’ve heard so many stories on myself, you know, the average time it takes to leave is 12. And typically like in a certain case, if you know, for you, maybe you would have, um, I guess if he wasn’t so intense, but even still you might’ve been like, no, but you know, take me back. It always seems to be like, the victim is always the one pleading to go back because of that love removal.

It’s.

I left. So he blocked my number and I left a tragic voicemail of be just crying and just talk to me and take me back and all of those things and knowing that I blocked he’ll never hear it, but it was one of those things that you do. And I also feel nowadays if you’re the one that is broken up. And you’re the one that is in this position.

If you post something sad on Facebook, you’re doing it for attention. If you’re going on a podcast, you’re doing it because you feel heard and you want to make the other person feel heard if they hear it. And all of those things, which is not the. Most of the time it’s up. They really, for me, for example, I couldn’t really say much during my relationship about my emotions.

So me posting something that I got my wedding dress a week after this occurred, it came in and I’m sad about it is not about attention. It’s about me just saying what occurred and what my emotions are. Yeah.

You’re being authentic and vulnerable and it’s a normal, emotional, normal.

Exactly. That that word normal, I think is.

Yeah. That’s something that I’m trying to get a new normal.

They deflect it. Right. They make it like, oh, well you’re being the narcissist. It’s only because they are, and they’re just defining.

It was yes. And I have to say it wasn’t every second of every day for me either we had our good moments and we had that, but it was on a consistent basis where clearly, again, I was that Barbie and he tried to do everything.

I did it. And I think at the end, she was just over me to a certain degree and was like, we’re done. You can get erased from my life and that’s it. And we were, we’re going to get married. We had a home and all of that in a matter of 24 hours was dissolved. I was erased. And I, again, I think that reflects on him.

I don’t think it reflects on me saying something or whatever the case may be. I think it reflects on him.

Yeah, absolutely. That’s that’s the last takeaway. We’re just gonna end here for everyone to reflect on is that whatever they’re deflecting onto you, whatever they’re saying, however they’re acting is their responsibility.

It’s their job. It’s their show of their character. It is not anything that’s reflected on.

A hundred percent. I agree with that. A hundred percent. Yes.

You’re so brave for coming on here and talking about this, you are not being selfish, you are helping, and you’re doing a public service. So

thank you. You are wonderful.

And for all the listeners out there, you need to follow her Instagram and her YouTube channel. The last two weeks I’ve been following it and I love. It really helped me and the whole prince charmed, everything that you talk about really resonates with me. And it really helps me and knows I’m not alone in this.

The other people go through this and it’s wonderful. Everyone should follow you. I have to say it’s really a gift what you’re doing. Thank

you so much. Thank you for that. And if you love this podcast, uh, take a screenshot, share it onto your social media stories and tag myself at Raven Scott. So just connect with me here. Um, and yes. Thank you so much for just speaking up, Amanda.

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

So thank you so much for being here, Amanda. Um, I, you just said that I’m your second podcast that you’re on.

You are. Thank you for having me.

Yeah. What, what is the motivation to speak out and start to get on post?

I think a big motivation for me is it’s very cathartic and healing for me to get my story out and just let it out and tell people about it.

But also I think heartbreak and narcissistic abuse and not seeing red flags in a relationship is very common nowadays. And I don’t think it’s talked about, there is a stigma still against mental health and all of these things. And if me telling my story. And where I am now to see how much I’ve grown and that I am healing.

If it helps one person or it gives one person hope. I think that means a lot to me right now, or if it helps in a relationship and opens a dialogue, those are very important things to me right now to give people. And, you know, I’m just in the process, I’m two months out, but I just think it’s a very valuable lesson to learn that this woman is going on a podcast and spilling her soul and trying to help other people in the past.

Yeah, you’re very brave. And you were very strong for hopping on and talking about it right after. But I think you’re right. It’s cathartic talking about it. That’s that was the process of my book is I wrote it like three different times, three different versions. And the first one was like, I was mad and it was like, well, no, one’s going to want to read this sob story.

Then the second version was like, maybe I should just talk it out, like how you’re doing it. Like just talking. Yeah. The third version was like, okay, let’s actually create something. That’s benefiting everyone. So it has like all those different healing modalities at the end of each chapter, it was like, okay, let’s make this purposeful.

I love it.

Yes. I think giving people after heartache tools to heal or just little tidbits of information is very important to a person during, you know, a devastating time in their.

Well, plus it also like the biggest takeaway that are always here. Like when I share my story with anyone else or whatever feedback, I’m sure you’ve already received this feedback is I don’t feel alone.

You know, that feeling of like, I’m the only one who this has happened to, and that’s just not true. You’re not.

I think that’s a big thing, creating a community around your relationship and your heartbreak and hearing other people’s stories. That’s what helped me. I mean, joining a support group on Facebook and just hearing other people that you’re not alone and this does happen and that will be okay.

Won’t be okay. We crumb it occurrence a month maybe, but you’re on a path of healing.

Yeah. So Amanda, let me share it with the audience a little bit about you. We just like hopped right in. Cause I was like, this is fascinating already. I have a question for you, Amanda. She grew up in New Jersey and she went to Boston to pursue her undergraduate degree in child psychology and development from Wheelock college.

She then received her S uh, what does that mean?

Yep. A P S Y D. So it’s above a master’s, but right below your doctorate. So I’m in the middle of, and she’s in the middle.

She’s like almost a doctor from Suffolk university career began in several mental health facilities for children in Boston. And then she transitioned into becoming an award-winning childcare director in the private sector.

And after moving back to New Jersey, she became a social worker for a nonprofit and assisted children diagnosed with cancer and their families. Currently, she’s a teacher in a private school and is the owner of her own tele-health business that focuses on child counseling and development. And you’re a proud dog mama and enjoys musical theater and cooking.

So. Cool. Wow. Yeah. So of course I can already see, like you’re a very caring person. You want to help others. You have a beautiful light with inside you that that was, uh, you know, like that drew the moth to the flame essentially. Tell us a little bit about your story.

So it was actually right after COVID I lost my uncle and it was heartbreaking and I decided then I was going to make love a priority in my life and find it.

And nowadays you do that on the dating apps. Right. And I met this man on a dating app and right from the start, it was. The prince charming syndrome as I call it, I got texts and calls. We both went to school in Boston. We both from New Jersey and it just was inundated with all those nice things. You hear that, you know, you’re special.

You’re the one you’re this. And I haven’t heard that in so long. And so just to hear those things and just as charming and as sweet as he came across, I fell in love with him and. It was amazing. And you know, for the first few months you hear those nice things. We were engaged two and a half months after meeting.

Wow. Yeah.

That’s that’s cool. Very quick. And you hear all those cliches that it’s quick, but when you’re in it, you don’t feel that you feel the love. And you know, at the end now that I’m processing things, I see a lot of red flags and behaviors that were not okay. And you don’t realize that until the end, until you’re talking to someone and you see their facial reaction about something.

And then. And then you realize that it wasn’t okay to treat another person like that. And that’s what you start realizing they afterwards. But when you’re in it, you think that that is prince charming in the Disney video coming across on his white horse, ready to marry you and have a child with you and do all those things.

And in my self nature, I’m a perfectionist, I’m a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy and I was a very viable target for him.

I, I can relate to that whole perfectionism people pleaser. Yeah. Some people would call that empath. I know there’s a lot of terminologies about that. I think we all have empathic capabilities.

I think that’s what makes us not psychopaths is we have empathy for others. Yes. But, um, those who are more willing, I think, to take the blame or bend over backwards to keep the peace is who they really attract to. Correct.

I definitely see, in retrospect, I was an easy target. Anything

like in your child or that happened, have you in your healing process, come back.

I’m an only child. So I think I am just more of that perfectionist people-pleaser personality because I am an only child and I got straight A’s I got a full scholarship to Wheelock. I did all these accomplishments. And so I think I just want to make people happy and make everybody. Okay around me. And that, that brings me happiness that, oh, everyone’s okay.

We’re good. I am doing everything I need to do to make you happy. And I think that when I went to Boston, I gained independence. I gained all those things, which were wonderful. And then when I moved back, I entered into this relationship. Fell back into more of the people pleasing. I don’t want to rock the boat.

This is the person I love just all those cliches that you hear, that you don’t want to upset this person, because you love them so much. You don’t want to disturb them because when you have in the past, they have not reacted kindly to it. And so all of those factors, I think he knew I was a target and he knew my upbringing and everything with that.

So.

Yeah. They, they know that there are certain people that will put up with their crap and then once they find them, they, like you say, they love bomb them

full

term. I just learned. Yeah.

I mean, it’s, it’s exactly what you experienced, right? It’s like you, yourself receiving all these. BOM BOM

BOM and on social media as well.

I’m not a big social media person. My Facebook and Instagram are inundated with you. Look so pretty post this about me post this post, this picture of us. And I did it. I was like, sure.

He was like requesting,

oh yes, post this picture, post this I’m going to post one on Monday. So you post one on Tuesday.

Okay.

That’s really weird.

But

in the middle of what you’re experiencing it, you’re probably like, oh, he’s so cute. He wants to like, show me all right. What were you thinking?

I was thinking he wants to show me off and this is how he shows love. This is how he’s has a career where he is in the public. And I think that.

It was, oh, I could be a part of that. He’s trying to incorporate me in his world and that’s how he shows it through social media or other things that occurred. And that’s what I really thought. I thought this person loved me and adored me as much as I love them because I went into this relationship with all myself and.

Yeah, it’s hard when you think the person is that’s, they love you. And then you realize it’s not, it’s just about them and about what you can do for them or what feeling you can make them feel. And when you realize that I realized that, of course, at the end, when I was in it, I was just like, asked me to jump how high I’m going to jump, how high.

Yeah. And when I asked, was it like, um, respectable public. Uh, job. Yes. Yeah. That’s, that’s another thing too, is they hide in those type of.

He has several businesses. And if you met him, you would be like, this man is amazing and that’s the way they come across, I think, and that’s not their true self. And I didn’t realize until.

I told my family about what he said and what he asked me to do. And I told the therapist what he said to me. And those were the things that in retrospect, you realize it is all about them and you don’t have a voice in the relationship. And I don’t think I ever truly did. And when let’s say, for example, I did my toe in the water and said, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.

I’m feeling this, his response would be well, then you can leave. Or I won’t show my emotions and you know, my toe went right back out of that water because I loved him and I didn’t want him to kick me out and do those things. I really thought this was my person. And he knew that

they’re really good at the takeaway.

Like there’s not the term, right? Like when you’re trying to sell something, you’re like, oh, don’t N like the takeaway, like they, they look like you just learned the love bomb. They love bomb. Love. It gets, you locked in, they have you up on the shelf and then you just kind of express yourself as a healthy, independent human being.

They don’t like it cause that’s, doesn’t fit in their box of control. And then all of a sudden something’s taken away. Like for me, it was patient for you. It’s like, well, then you can kick, kick you out of the house or probably emotionally. Right. Um, that.

He would exactly, he would just stop. If I ever had a disagreement or argument, let’s say the first thing he would say was blame me and say I was gaslighting him.

And that I’m verbally abusive. If I tried to explain my feelings and I would maybe say a sentence saying that, you know, I didn’t mean it like that. I mentioned like this. And that is when it would be you’re gaslighting me. That was the term. And I’m verbally abusive.

That’s so tricky. That’s so tricky. And I just saw some other video on YouTube about like the narcissist claiming to be empath.

Like they’re taking all the lingo, like that’s what they’re experts at taking the lingo and twisting it around

on you a hundred percent. And that’s what occurred. It would be. Oh, Um, Amanda, no, no, no, that’s not what you mean. Or now, you know, the arguments over your gas lighting me. And I would just be explaining simply on the simplest terms.

Just how I was feeling.

And he’s not gaslighting everyone who’s listening. That’s

not healthy expression of your feelings. And that’s my thing is at the end of the day, how do you expect a relationship era, marriage, or to bring a child into this and have that and have that kind of communication where I’m always wrong?

I’m always. And you can’t grow in a relationship. You can’t grow in a marriage. It’s not a healthy and normal thing. And that’s, I think at the end of the day, I realized that he is not mentally and emotionally capable of having that relationship. And I got the brunt of it. I got the heartbreak from it, but on his end, he’s not capable of those things.

And when you realize that you’ve come to that realization, there’s something very powerful and healing about it that, you know, this would have never worked out. This would have ended much worse than it did.

Yeah. And I had just posted today on a short about you gain, you gain your freedom and happiness.

Once you’re able to disconnect yourself from the fantasy you’ve created, right. Well, especially because you always refer back to the beginning of the

relationship. That’s what you’re heard holds onto the good time,

because they were just pouring it all out. So that’s like kind of sit back and not have to like make it any effort.

And if this means anything, this is how I think I had the rose colored glasses on, on our second date in person. And he turned to me and said, you need to lose weight. No,

And how did you not take offense to that?

I didn’t because. He was under the guise of it. We’ll get you healthy. I want to be with you long-term and this will be a healthy choice for you.

And I thought in my naive mind, yes, he is. Right. I’m not sin by any means, but I’m not obese, but yes, I could. I understand where he is coming from and I don’t want to lose him and I’m going to do this. And I, I mean, he was very strict with me. I can say that I was told what to eat. I was told I had enough things of that nature.

And I think that was the first start of control, I think by just putting it out there and me just saying, okay, and me. Losing so much weight in such a short time. I think he knew I was in, and at the end of the day, I feel like I was his Barbie that, you know, he bought makeup for me and told me what to wear and how to get my nails done and all of those things.

And I was his barn. Yes. I was a real life Barbie to him. And you know, when he was done playing with me, I was in the trash and gone. Right. And that’s what I refer to it as a lot. It just, is that feeling of, yeah. You’re not yourself anymore. This person made you into the amalgamation of what they thought they wanted and just didn’t.

And then just threw me out in less than 24 hours. My breakup occurred. Um, and it’s very hard to get out of that mind frame. I mean, I remember a couple of weeks after I was getting my nails done and I was sitting at the nail salon going, what color do I pick? He’s not texting me on what color to pick and things like that.

And I’m sitting there 10 minutes going, what looks good? It makes you question yourself. And before this relationship, I never questioned myself. I was very confident. I was very outgoing and you know, it’s a process to get that back.

It is it, is they really mess up your mind?

It is a complete mind. I mean, the first two weeks, I was not in my right frame of mind at all from this, but then when you start realizing what they’re doing and that you lost so much of yourself and that you didn’t have a voice in it and that they were so controlling and they did these things, and I’m very lucky that.

I have a very supportive family and friends system. And I have a very wonderful therapist that really got me through it and had me do the work to find that out myself. Yeah. This was a narcissist that took advantage of me. And really, really, I think at the end, wanted to cause a lot of pain for me and the end of the breakup.

And I think he got satisfaction out of my crying and out of a canceled wedding. I canceled all our wedding plans myself. I think he got satisfaction out of that. Like I’m decisive. I made my decision it’s about me and that was.

So he called it off. Or was it mutual? Like you started to actually speak your mind.

And then

he, I started to stand up little bits, I would say, like baby steps and it wasn’t anything severe. And again, it would be, I was gaslighting and I’m verbally abusive. Normal normal phrases. And then one night we were on the couch and he asked me, are watching a dating show. And he asked me, who do you think I would date on the show?

I named some girl. He goes, oh, and looked right at me and said, I liked you when you were checking.

Wait a second. He just controlled you to like, lose

all that weight. And he goes, see, I liked you at any weight. And the end, I started hysterically crying because they worked so hard and I felt like it was just a dig at me and just to say something.

And then the next day he called everything off. I was, we shared a home and he kicked me out and told me that was it. And. He said that he would need 24 hours to maybe think about it. So that night I called him and I said, let’s talk about it. Like adults let’s, you know, take a step and talk about it. He never picked up the phone and he started texting me saying that it’s over.

It’s all my floats, good luck with my next fiance. And I enter a 20 minutes of texts, constant. Um,

Yeah, I’m sure he said a lot more worse things. They just, and they don’t want to actually hear any rebuttals. So,

and that’s what happened. I said one mean thing back to him and it was not a curse word. It was not anything, one thing out of 20 minutes of you just breaking me.

And that’s when he said I am blocking you. Blocked me on his phone. Took down all the pictures in social media. Changes status to single and blocked me. And that is the last I’ve ever heard of him.

Yeah. A real healthy connection emotionally with someone can’t can’t disconnect that quickly. Can’t take those all down act quickly,

less than 24 hours.

Yeah. Nor would

give up over a small, strange conversation that he’s got.

And I think it comes to the root of, he didn’t want to admit that he said that and that it was inappropriate to say, and he just didn’t feel like doing it and got upset about it and made a decisive decision, which is in his nature.

I remember I asked, I think when we first met, you don’t have any girls on your social media, do you date to you? What do you do? He goes, oh, when I’m done with them, I’m done with them. And I break up with. Um, so it was a foretelling, a foreshadowing of what would occur and yeah, and I moved out the next day and I went back and any gift I’ve given him any remnants of me, pictures, everything, all in the garbage.

And I think again, it shows that he just takes satisfaction. He knew I was going to go in there and be very upset to see that, and he’s fine with it. And that’s his decision and he is right. And it was very, it w the whole thing was very psychotic and very scary to go through. And, you know, we had engagement guests that he told me just to leave there.

We had a bank account. He told me that’s his.

So he kept all of your.

All our engagement money is with him.

I’m so sorry,

but I think that’s a very normal thing to do.

And yes. So I think toward the end it was just very heartbreaking and I think that’s what he wanted. Yeah.

Yeah. They you’re right. They do take pleasure out of hurting others because the other part of the narcissist of why they’re, so I don’t know, like emotionally disconnected and evil towards that.

Is it because they can’t process things, they take things very personally. And so then the revenge is like their go-to. So

revenge stuff he did

towards you was just a way for him to protect himself from feeling anything. If he did at all. I mean, he might have had some fractions, like I, you know, I’m 10 years out of mine and I, I saw, like I could see that there was.

Some emotional connection, but since it was an unhealthy, like they really don’t know how to connect with. They don’t know how to follow through. They don’t know how to resolve conflicts like adults, like you said, like an adult, he probably took offense to that and let his ego because you’re like, I am an adult, but it’s like, he’s acting like a child

because exactly.

I think there’s a level of immaturity with it and that you don’t want to show humanity or any emotion toward another person or respect their feelings. It is all about you and what you’re feeling. And. You know, whatever the case may be. I just wanted to sit down and talk about it and have a voice even at the end.

And I was denied that.

Yeah. Yeah. If they’re denying you the voice all throughout, they can’t handle it, especially in the end when there’s major.

Yeah. Oh, definitely. It was so quick and decisive and, you know, I was just erased in a matter of 24 hours and our wedding was four months away. So just that whole concept of it.

And so many losses. I lost my home. I lost the love of my life. I thought he was his family who was nothing but nice to me, the loss of a wedding, the loss of everything. And then now to see that I don’t think he had any real concrete feelings for me now to have that added to the mix. It’s very painful and it’s very hard to heal and work on yourself and do those things as a process of it because.

You know, if you told me four months ago, I would be here. I would be like, no way. That’s ridiculous. And now to see all the manipulative manipulative behavior that he really showed me was, and really did, to me, it was heartbreaking. And that I was so blinded by the charm and the little nice things he did.

And just wanting to please him. I just feel that I was just his target and he did what he did. And now it’s over and done with

yeah. Yeah. It is. It’s a hard process. It’s a hard pill to swallow and you’re so incredibly strong and brave. And like you said, you have your support group. I would advise everyone to also find a therapist or for me, I didn’t have a lot of money.

So a social worker helped me. Um, so there’s ways to get help from,

there are so many ways now online support groups going into your community, a community service center, and just saying, sitting down and talking to someone. And that’s something that I think everyone can do for themselves right now. And that mental health, it’s not a stigma.

You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s something that you can do for yourself, especially at the time of heartbreak. And when you need an outside source. Just to give you some perspective and let you talk and say these things. That was a very big help for me. I would say yes. He told me what to eat. He gave me a list of what to make for dinner that night.

And I went grocery shopping and did it. And I did all those things. And my therapist looked at me. He goes, you did what. And what were you doing? And all of those things, just to hear an outside perspective. And he said, what to you? I remember I was in my second session and I said, he told me it was 36 years about me.

Now. It’s all about him. And just, that was her face, that face. That was like, are you sure that what

with that? But I’m sure it’s the tone and the delivery, right? That’s right.

It is with a smirk and like beloving eyes. You know, as a background, he had, um, a physical ailment that he was getting surgery for.

So I think that was another excuse I used for him. Oh, he’s in pain. He’s having a bad mental health day. He’s doing this, he’s doing that. And I think that was another reason why I justified a lot of the behavior that was there. And, you know, it’s really, really sad that I did that because I don’t even know if that point.

It was true or was more in his head or those things just now to see. So I think I use that as an excuse for a lot of what he said and the actions he had toward me. And it’s very sad. It’s hard to get over and, you know, every day my therapist gave me great advice. Find the support that speaks to you during.

Find those people that are going to be there and what you really need that day and seek that out.

Yeah. Which would then I would say beg the, the practice to actually listen to yourself. Right. Listen to what you need. What are your for so long, you’ve been attending to.

Yes. I remember I sat down. I think it was like two weeks ago and I sat down.

I was like, I can watch what I want on TV. I don’t have somebody telling me this is what we’re going to watch tonight. And all of those things, I can just sit and like do a chat. What is this technology? It was a live right now. It’s the little, it’s the little things during this. And I was like, wait, I get to like, post me doing something.

Not like, what is this? It’s that little bit of freedom you get that. You’re like, I enjoy this and that’s okay to enjoy it. And it’s so key to do those things and it’s okay to break free of the cycle that I was in.

Yeah. Binge-watch you know, all the girly girl, whatever, like you weren’t allowed to watch.

Yes.

I even turned on my radio in my car super loud on my way to work. And I’m like, look at this, I get a pic. This is amazing,

I guess. So for all of you dating or entering dating, or with somebody who is extremely controlling about everything that you’re consuming or that you get to consume together, You know, healthy relationships, don’t have a monopoly on who is listening to which station or what you’re watching all the time, how the relationships have two TVs and a house where you can go watch your thing totally on your own.

And he can watch his

one

TV, then you’re like, okay, tonight’s your night. Tonight is mine. I, and you switched to ever again.

And that’s what another big benefit I’m taking out of everything is what a healthy relationship really looks like to me. And it was not what I was in and I’m trying my best to now see what I want in a relationship and heal from this.

And I think that’s a very important thing that I do want to voice. I’m not going to be scared to voice my opinion. And just because of. Voice your opinion. You don’t love the person any less. You’re just trying to have the relationship grow. And that’s something that is really inundated in me now that I really want to find those things

and a healthy partner isn’t operating out of lack.

Like you hear kind of this concept of the spiritual world operating out of abundance or lack. So when you’re in a relationship with a healthy partner versus the narcissist who is always operating in lack, so therefore they’re always taking, can you hear me? then they’re operating out of abundance. They’re like, I have space for you and for me, whatever you want, I know I’ll have time for what I want and you can do things together, come to compromises and enjoy each other’s company.

And those are hallmarks of a healthy relationship. And, you know, I do have a mental health background and so I know the hallmarks of it, but I just didn’t.

I just had so much love for this person. And I thought that was going to be it.

Sorry. My door’s on my doggy is like, Going in and out. I can’t

hear the doggies, so you’re fine. If he’s

quiet. He’s pretty good.

Yeah. So before we finish, I just wanted to touch more on this prince charming or this love bombing area, because yes, this is a term that I think everyone’s starting to, like, you just heard it.

Um, Leah last year. So my ninth year out of my narcissist, let’s talk a little bit more about that because you’re smart. You’re educated. You have the background of knowing all of the signs, but what are, what are some ways that maybe someone can avoid or look out for that love bombing character?

I think the thing that they have to go first off and really look for is when they start telling you a week into it.

I think you’re the one saying those like cliche phrases of, I really think you’re the one. And I think I love you right now. And it’s only been two weeks or it’s only been two dates. And I think that. A big red flag and also you can text someone and you can call, and I understand that it makes you feel loved when they call constantly and do those things in the beginning, but there is a limit if they are doing it.

I mean, I had my phone one morning at work, just going off for two hours straight of tax. And I think that’s something that you really have to look for. Yeah. And especially

when you’re at the beginning of the day to your butterflies, It’s almost like magnifying all those butterflies and like playing

it.

Yeah. Yes. And they know that you’re enjoying it to some degree. So they’re going to keep doing it. They’re going to just keep on you and on you. And you know, at first it’s very nice things that you want to hear. That’s the other thing it’s not telling you, Hey, lose weight, wear your hair this way, wear this lipstick.

Don’t don’t say that. Don’t do that. You know, clean the house, do your job, do everything. And that’s it. They’re not going to tell you that from the beginning, it’s all going to be very sweet and loving and kind things that you really do want to hear as a person, as a human. You want to hear those nice things.

And when the, you, they keep coming at you, you think, wow, this person really loves me and this person, but no, they’re just grooming you for their next steps of. Putting those drops of manipulation in of here where this do that.

Yeah. Yeah. Fast and furious is great for cars and movies, but it’s not good for relationships.

That’s what I thought, you know, I was brought up in those hallmark Disney movies that in an hour, they’re going to kiss me and we’re going to get married and, you know, I, I almost had it, but I didn’t, it’s not realistic. That’s what I realized the movie

tending line. Isn’t real life

timeline. It is not. And I thought it was because it, our relationship did occur so quickly and that’s not normal.

That’s not a realistic time. And, you know, I can see now that it was very, very not okay. And not stable behavior for a person to exhibit toward another person, especially when they say they’re going to marry them. And they say, they love you. It’s when you see that and you feel uncomfortable, say something, that would be my advice just to say.

Say how you’re feeling. And if the other person reacts in a negative way, that should be a red flag to you, you shouldn’t have to button up because a person is saying those things and then tells you two seconds later that they love you and whatever the case may be.

Yeah. Yeah. It’s almost like no matter how open and how deep you want to dive in, when you’re dating, you need to have your radar up all the time in a B.

You know, analyze what they’re saying.

Just take that second. That’s what I tell people. Take that second, just to step back and be like, did he just tell me to lose weight? Did he just tell me that I need to change my shirt and change my lipstick and do all those things and just take a second and realize, wow.

This is really all about his needs and what he wants you to be. And no person should have to go through that.

Yeah, absolutely. Just like have a few mantras or have a few rules. If he tells me if he’s trying to control me or tells me anything about how to manage my own body, self and life like

ditch up.

Exactly. I even got a new job during this time. And. He wouldn’t ask me about it a lot. And if I did go on, he would tell me I was ranting. That was a catcher. You’re ranting about your job. And I’m just telling you how many days it was. But if you want to go on an hour and tell me how your day was your sweetie, go for it.

I.

Zero capability of the reciprocation of

exactly. And in all facets of the relationship, it’s all about them and their needs, and they will manipulate you into getting their needs. And I think that’s. Not mental, healthy, healthy for a person to do. It’s not, it’s not okay. Behavior. And I think just the way he ended it, everyone goes, well, you got closure, but it was in the most psychotic way possible.

And I go, I did. Yeah, that is what he wanted. And that was his decision. And just, if that does come to that in a relationship, just have humanity for the other person and sit down and talk to them and let them have a voice. Let them have it. Even though you might be mad about something they said, or you like to have those narcissistic tendencies.

It is all about, you just have that one second of clarity, just on a human level for that other person, because I was broken for two weeks, three weeks over it. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t do the normal things I like to do. And it is really heartbreaking for that other person.

It is. Yeah. You’re lucky that he ended it to be honest, even though it was heartbreaking.

Everybody’s first reaction to me is you’re lucky. You know, now it could have been worse and that resonates a lot with me because you hear those stories where people stay in a relationship and they don’t get out of it. And I think that’s something that really resonates with me now, when I see his behavior and I see how he ended it in during the relationship.

And you see that. You know, you just, you feel that, well, now I’m safe and now I have a voice and now like Penn do things and it hurts the ending. It all hurts, but you at least know that for yourself, that it could have been a lot worse. And when you hear people tell you that it really resonates with you.

Yeah. Yeah,

because there, I’ve heard so many stories on myself, you know, the average time it takes to leave is 12. And typically like in a certain case, if you know, for you, maybe you would have, um, I guess if he wasn’t so intense, but even still you might’ve been like, no, but you know, take me back. It always seems to be like, the victim is always the one pleading to go back because of that love removal.

It’s.

I left. So he blocked my number and I left a tragic voicemail of be just crying and just talk to me and take me back and all of those things and knowing that I blocked he’ll never hear it, but it was one of those things that you do. And I also feel nowadays if you’re the one that is broken up. And you’re the one that is in this position.

If you post something sad on Facebook, you’re doing it for attention. If you’re going on a podcast, you’re doing it because you feel heard and you want to make the other person feel heard if they hear it. And all of those things, which is not the. Most of the time it’s up. They really, for me, for example, I couldn’t really say much during my relationship about my emotions.

So me posting something that I got my wedding dress a week after this occurred, it came in and I’m sad about it is not about attention. It’s about me just saying what occurred and what my emotions are. Yeah.

You’re being authentic and vulnerable and it’s a normal, emotional, normal.

Exactly. That that word normal, I think is.

Yeah. That’s something that I’m trying to get a new normal.

They deflect it. Right. They make it like, oh, well you’re being the narcissist. It’s only because they are, and they’re just defining.

It was yes. And I have to say it wasn’t every second of every day for me either we had our good moments and we had that, but it was on a consistent basis where clearly, again, I was that Barbie and he tried to do everything.

I did it. And I think at the end, she was just over me to a certain degree and was like, we’re done. You can get erased from my life and that’s it. And we were, we’re going to get married. We had a home and all of that in a matter of 24 hours was dissolved. I was erased. And I, again, I think that reflects on him.

I don’t think it reflects on me saying something or whatever the case may be. I think it reflects on him.

Yeah, absolutely. That’s that’s the last takeaway. We’re just gonna end here for everyone to reflect on is that whatever they’re deflecting onto you, whatever they’re saying, however they’re acting is their responsibility.

It’s their job. It’s their show of their character. It is not anything that’s reflected on.

A hundred percent. I agree with that. A hundred percent. Yes.

You’re so brave for coming on here and talking about this, you are not being selfish, you are helping, and you’re doing a public service. So

thank you. You are wonderful.

And for all the listeners out there, you need to follow her Instagram and her YouTube channel. The last two weeks I’ve been following it and I love. It really helped me and the whole prince charmed, everything that you talk about really resonates with me. And it really helps me and knows I’m not alone in this.

The other people go through this and it’s wonderful. Everyone should follow you. I have to say it’s really a gift what you’re doing. Thank

you so much. Thank you for that. And if you love this podcast, uh, take a screenshot, share it onto your social media stories and tag myself at Raven Scott. So just connect with me here. Um, and yes. Thank you so much for just speaking up, Amanda.

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

Self Worth Poem

Right now you feel like this neglected grapevine 

Appear dead outside with no motivation to go on and are ready to give up. Give up on hope life and your self worth.

You’ve been kept in toxic soil with bugs eating at your roots by someone who is a parasite

But there is a tiny glimpse of hope 

If and when you choose to remove yourself from the toxic soil and plant yourself in sunlight and fertile soil watering and feeding yourself through self worth practices. You start to sprout a leaf then another 

Then all Of a sudden you’ve transformed into a fruit bearing grapevine!!! Providing sustenance to others.  

And remember. Always keep your unique light shining.

Empath & Narcissist Book

Over the past decade Raven Scott has first, exited an abusive relationship, then found her healing and renewal through the very tools she shares in this book. This “incredibly relatable story is a healing guide that weaves a story of an empath growing up, struggling with codependency, and loving a narcissist. It guides you in transforming yourself from low self esteem, PTSD, emotional abuse, to a strong, confident, and renewed soul.
PLUS! It includes a bonus chapter on the basic overview of Human Design -Your soul’s unique blueprint.
Grab your copy of this book on SALE today! available on Amazon NOW!
Don’t take my word for it. Listen to this 1 of many reviews:
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“I salute the Divinity in you.”

– Indian brotherhood
Raven Scott

Raven Scott is providing women, who are feeling lost and alone in their journey, a community to kick ass as we become empowered together while healing from childhood trauma, abusive relationships, or plain old life, and awaken to rewrite our karmic story. Through astrology, self care, human design, & intuition.
We are energetically clearing ancestral patterns one step at a time to find our power and potential through healing so you can live empowered the unique loved individual you desire to be. Topics covered: Self development, Human design, Astrology, tarot, meditative thoughts, intuitive message from spirit, and expert guests sharing different spiritual healing modalities.
Your host and Patreon Community mentor, Raven Scott, is a narcissitic abuse survivor, author of Empath and The Narcissist: A Healing Guide for People Pleasers. And also is a Certified Meditation Teacher. Join us on http://Patreon.com/soulcollective9

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Published by Raven Scott

As an international author, narcissist abuse recovering coach, Podcast host of Empath & Narcissist and creator of healing workshops. She is dispelling the narcissists' power one soul at a time.

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