87. Why Empaths Attract Narcissists with Soul Mate Coach Jeanne Sullivan Villeci === [00:00:00] Jeanne S. Villeci: cuz a lot of empath don't see themselves as leaders, but they are, achievers and that's another way that they block. Receiving cuz they're always creating and the box [00:00:12] Raven Scott: Welcome to the empath and the narcissist podcast. Where you regain your sparkle back after narcissistic abuse. [00:00:22] . I am your host, Raven Scott, your go-to narcissist abuse recovery coach. [00:00:28] This is episode 87 Why Empaths pass, attract narcissist with soulmate coach. Jean Sullivan . Billeci [00:00:37] Repeat after me. I am awakened. I am the chain breaker. I am the daughter of the earth. [00:00:44] I relate to you empath and your struggles. And this show is here to support you. [00:00:49] And empower you. Your future self is calling. Get your free 10 powerful ways to defeat the narcissist and embrace. Your empath superpowers audio gift. In the link in the show notes today. [00:01:08] Raven Scott: As a reminder, this podcast is for educational purposes only. [00:01:15] It is not a substitute for professional therapy. [00:01:18] This episode is sponsored by better help. I numbed myself to stop the pain and I reached out to friends for. But it wasn't until I gained courage to leave and seek therapy that my dark abyss of hopelessness finally started to let in the light I was so longing for. [00:01:37] If you think you might be feeling depressed, stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, today's sponsor better help is here to help. better help offers licensed therapists who are trained to listen and help you. It allows you to talk to your therapist in a private online environment at your convenience, with a broad range of expertise and better helps 20,000 plus therapists network.[00:02:00] [00:02:00] It will give you access to help that you need that may not be available in your area. finding a therapist is easy. You just fill out the questionnaire to help assess your specific needs. And then you get matched with the therapist in under 48 hours. Everything you share is completely confidential in therapy. [00:02:17] I learned that I wasn't the selfish, lesser person. My ex convinced me I was in my therapy. I was able to get affirmation that I was truly being emotionally and sexually abused. That alone allowed me to release my trauma and grow into the strong coach and mentor that I am today, but I didn't just gain that alone in therapy. [00:02:37] I gained my sense of self autonomy back my power back and my confidence back. Join the 3 million plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experience better health therapist. Get 10% off your first month@betterhelp.com slash empath. That's better. H E L p.com/e M P a T H in the link in the show notes. [00:03:08] [00:03:08] You guys today's guest is amazing. I met her as a guest on her show with Marcus, a lady Portia who will be on our show next Talking to her and her cohost on. [00:03:25] Dating is such a drag. , pun intended. And she is a soulmate coach. She's a blessing and a beautiful soul. She's the author of be the soulmate you want to attract. She's entertained, inspired millions in media interviews with her extraordinary midlife love story, where she turned her marketing and law of attraction skills. [00:03:47] On herself to call on her husband overnight. After being called a confirmed spinster because she was too much, too old, too fat, too successful and intimidating. She [00:04:00] stopped holding back and started flying her freak flag to attract more evolved soulmates. She discovered that the very qualities people told her to tone down in dating where her secret sauce to magnetizing a partner who could stand in his power beside her. [00:04:17] As a certified life coach. Jean helps singles who are confident in their career, but less in love, step into their sovereignty, live their happiest, most purposeful life. So they can attract a partner who supports and elevates them. Many of her clients are high achievers and impasse who always get the short end of the stick relationship wise. And don't realize they're pushing partnership away by their approach to help her clients. Jean developed a signature six step process for releasing resistance to love. [00:04:50] Clarifying their needs and self-worth and taking inspired action to magnetize the love they want. [00:04:56] This includes encouraging clients to unleash their most authentic, powerful self and doing a soul aligned rebrand. To scare off relationship projects and attract real partner prospects. She gives them the tools they need to receive and nurture a thriving relationship. In addition to doing private and group coaching, Jean is the creator and cohost of the celebrated dating is such drag podcasts, which I was a guest bond where she and her drag Queens slash life coach. [00:05:24] Cohost lady Portia offer fun. Frank advice for grownups who are tired of games and holding back and dating and relationships and want to create love on their own terms. So amazing i can't wait to introduce to you jean learn more about her and her work@wwwdotmysoulmatecoach.com. and without further ado let's dive into the conversation [00:05:50] Raven Scott: Thank you so much for being here, Jean. I'm so excited to talk to you. [00:05:54] Jeanne S. Villeci: Oh, I I've just been really looking forward to it all day. How are you doing? [00:05:59] Raven Scott: [00:06:00] good. How are you? [00:06:02] Jeanne S. Villeci: I'm really good. I'm in a good place. , we're actually in the process of moving house and I'm really looking forward to being in a new city and, you know, new opportunities really looking forward to it. [00:06:14] Raven Scott: So exciting. That's it's like all the things it's like a lot of hard work to packing. It's exciting for the transition and yeah. and happy full moon by the way, today is a full moon. This is not airing on the full moon, but I was kind of looking at the calendar it's airing around the next full moon. So happy, full moon to everybody. [00:06:35] Jeanne S. Villeci: well, it's a good time to make a, a wish I think, right. It's for, it's a great opportunity for manifestation. I believe. [00:06:42] Raven Scott: Yes, manifestation and releasing all of you, impasse release, all of that negative emotions and frustration and anger. That's pent up inside your body. Releasing it. I love to do like, I I've. Journal everything out. I think back to the first time I felt this really intense, , emotion. It could be positive too. [00:07:02] Like what's the first time I journal it out and then I burn it in a pot and then I shower afterwards. It's like this beautiful ritual I love to do on the full moon. [00:07:11] Jeanne S. Villeci: Could I copy that? I think I'm gonna [00:07:13] Raven Scott: Of course [00:07:14] Jeanne S. Villeci: if that's [00:07:15] Raven Scott: it's not my original idea. So of course you can copy it. That's how that's how growth and movements start. Right. [00:07:23] Jeanne S. Villeci: yeah. Yeah, because I missed the, what was it? The lions gate everybody was talking about earlier in the week. [00:07:29] Raven Scott: Yes. Yeah. [00:07:31] Jeanne S. Villeci: I missed that, so I need to [00:07:34] Raven Scott: Well, I think with the, there's a lot going on with this full moon, and any full moon, right? There's always so many aspects going on with these planets that it's always a good time to do whatever you're trying to do. Our brains are so powerful. So I'm trying to manifest or release. [00:07:49] I say, anytime is a good. [00:07:51] Jeanne S. Villeci: Excellent. [00:07:52] Raven Scott: Speaking of releasing and figuring all of this out with a narcissist today, we're gonna be talking about the [00:08:00] dynamic of why impasse are attracted to narcissists, , which is such a conundrum for me. At least when I first left, I was like, what happened? Like why did I even end up in this place? [00:08:12] Jeanne S. Villeci: mm-hmm [00:08:13] Raven Scott: and it took me years and years and years to figure it out. So hopefully in this episode, we can share with. So it doesn't take you years. It maybe will take you months and everyone has their unique journey. So I wanna ask you first about your amazing self. I shared your bio already with everyone, but give me a bit of backstory of why this, , area of talking about empaths and two empaths is, , a passion area for you in your life. [00:08:40] Jeanne S. Villeci: Well, I found out as a great question. I found out I was an empath, , when I was really struggling throughout my life with an eating disorder. , I had always struggled with weight, but severely. So, I mean, I was, you know, 300 pounds over 300 pounds at my heaviest. And I had tried therapy and 12 step and weight Watchers and all these things and something magical happened. [00:09:08] I actually just prayed I to my guides and I said, okay, look, I have tried everything. Give me a sign. I am not getting it. why am I struggling with food so much? and I always had known I was sensitive, but the fascinating thing was the man I was dating at the time, about 15 minutes later, he said, Hey, you wanna go to Barnes and noble remember those. [00:09:34] wanna go to Barnes and noble. I said, yeah, yeah, let's go to Barnes and noble. We walk in the door and I will tell you, I can remember the moment of feeling like suddenly something, some force. Some consciousness was pull, took me and started pulling me to the back of the store. It's all. I, the only way I can describe it and it led me to a specific book. [00:09:59] [00:10:00] I was, I was really surprised, but I went with it and it led me to the book by, , I just packed it unfortunately, or, or I would pull it out, but it was a book called positive energy by Dr. Judith ORL. She's a big expert on empaths, as you may know. And, I pick up the book positive energy and I was like, okay, that's big. [00:10:22] And then I opened up to the specific page and it said, are you an intuitive empath? Take this quiz? [00:10:30] Raven Scott: Ooh, [00:10:30] Jeanne S. Villeci: So I take the quiz and I answered, uh, yes for nine out of the 10 questions. And it said, , you're a very strong empath and you. May have an energetic eating disorder. [00:10:46] Raven Scott: Whoa [00:10:48] Jeanne S. Villeci: And I went, yeah. And I had chills all over my spine. And, and then I said, wow. And then everything kind of rushed in like all this information, like, okay, well I am a healer. I know that's my nature. So that makes perfect sense. Then, about six months later, she was at Lin in, uh, big sir. And I went there to see her and I asked her, I said, you know, I still don't understand though why I keep doing this my whole life. [00:11:20] I'm in my early forties now at that time. And she said, I said, she goes, well, what, what's confusing you? And I said, well, why am I still doing this with the overeating? If it doesn't really protect me, if it doesn't really work. I mean, clearly it doesn't work. And she goes, oh, but it does. It does. Food is a, has, has a great way of grounding you. [00:11:45] And also the weight does actually serve as an energetic protection. So you just have to learn healthier coping strategies. So that's how I found out I was an empath [00:11:56] Raven Scott: Wow. That is incredible. And you got to [00:12:00] talk to her and just get that extra like oomph of, okay. Yes. You think it's not helping you, but boy, is it a great coping mechanism for your body? Not so much for your soul, but for your body. Wow. [00:12:12] Jeanne S. Villeci: Exactly. That's exactly right. And I, I just, then everything fell into place about why I was sensitive to smells and why I wasn't claustrophobic. But when I would go into large crowds, I was like, overwhelmed. Like, get me out of here. , It wasn't the same dynamic as claustrophobia. And I didn't really understand it, , until then what that was really about. [00:12:35] And then I started to notice as I was coaching that a lot of the women and men, I have had some male empaths too, who a lot of them, almost all of them are empaths to some degree. And they, I started to notice patterns as I was coaching for dating and relationships about how they. Block receiving a partner in how they attract narcissists instead the opposite of what they want. [00:13:04] Raven Scott: Yeah. [00:13:06] Jeanne S. Villeci: And, so that's how that all started is I, I started to do some research, uh, not to the level you have. That's why I was so happy to meet you because I loved your expertise. story around that. [00:13:17] Raven Scott: oh my gosh. That was such a great time on your podcast. Um, I have to just plug that dating drag podcast and I will put in the intro what episode that is. So you guys can easily go, , Find it and in the show notes as [00:13:30] Jeanne S. Villeci: great. [00:13:30] Raven Scott: Yeah. That, and that's really interesting correlation almost like you drew this really great example of it's just another bad coping mechanism because you're not aware of your highly sensitive behaviors. [00:13:43] So you're blocking the abundance that wants to become to you. That actually is already within you. You're blocking the love, you know, you're blocking the healthy eating patterns and yeah. And I wonder too, Is it not so much that we feel [00:14:00] like we don't deserve love subconsciously and we're attracted to these people. [00:14:04] Do you think there was, was there a pattern in your clients that had something to do with their childhood? [00:14:11] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yes, I would say so. they didn't understand. They were almost, all of them were empaths. Um, and I would just ask, as they were talking, I'm like, oh, another empath. I could tell. And I, I would say, may I ask you a question? And they say lean in and they say short, I lean in further. [00:14:28] And I. Are you an empath and almost all of them will go. I don't know what that is, but I think it's a yes. , you know? Um, and we would do, we would go, where do you think that comes And a lot of them fell into the pattern in their family relationships, where they were the caretaker, they were the peacemaker, they would hold the family suffering and try to transform it. [00:14:56] Some. That was definitely me until I got into 12 step later on. And I started to realize the codependence that came with that and how I had to step away from that and set myself free from that. But that is to some extent, what I've noticed in my clients is that they're they've have a habit and they've often been encouraged to do so to be the caretaker, whether, and if it wasn't in their homes, it was in their office. [00:15:25] Um, it was at college, um, where, you know, the people who were wanted them to step into that role. interesting how, [00:15:33] in some [00:15:33] form or another, they became a caretaker. [00:15:35] How about you? What, what [00:15:36] have you noticed. [00:15:38] Raven Scott: natural born leaders. Yeah. Um, Natural born like take a responsibility. Yeah. I think with this energetic, like. We are so sensitive to feeling and understanding people's pain and anxiety and, you know, excitement and all that stuff. But we tend to feel like we need to fix the pain and [00:16:00] the anxiety to like, make it go away to erase it. [00:16:03] Cause it feels really uncomfortable within us because it's not ours. And when you don't recognize it's not yours [00:16:09] since it's not coming from you, it's like super, super uncomfortable. You're like, ah, I gotta fix it. Gotta fix it. So you get. As a little child, you take on like such a huge responsibility to be perfect, to fix people, to cheer people up, to do all these things. [00:16:25] And so I think this from what I've experiencing and hearing all of these conversations with the experts on the show and working with clients is it's, it's like this pattern that you're just used to. So when you find a narcissist who makes you feel like loved and boosted and like propped up. you're like, oh my gosh, this is the one, this is the one, but they're doing their little tactic and you have no idea. [00:16:52] And then they start to kind of show their weaknesses and cracks and then your empathy kicks and you're like, oh, I can fix you. I can, I can help you. I have the love and the hope and the tools, even though you don't for them. cause they're so far gone to, to fix you. And then you like justify and make up all these excuses and yeah, I, 100% see how that's related to this, like taking responsibility and being put in this role as a caregiver, as a child. [00:17:22] Yeah. It's really detrimental to [00:17:23] Jeanne S. Villeci: And I loved how you, you, um, you liken you, you, also connected empath to leadership, cuz a lot of empath don't see achievers and that's another way that they block. Receiving cuz they're always creating and achieving and ticking the box and those results make them feel [00:17:45] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I was that, I mean, I definitely exhibited that, but a lot of it was driven by making the world better, making the company better. There was always that feeling like that I [00:18:00] was healing. . Um, but by always doing, I never really understood until I was just so sick of attracting the same type of man. [00:18:12] I just was so sick of it. And I hit this bottom and I, I said, what am I doing? What am I doing? And I realized I was blocking the receiving the kind of love I wanted, because I didn't know how, how to receive it. I didn't even know I was blocking it. I was always a, a human doing. I was always trying to make things happen, trying to fix things almost hysterically. [00:18:43] Raven Scott: Like focusing so much on the [00:18:44] external mm-hmm [00:18:46] Jeanne S. Villeci: yes. Look at you. [00:18:48] You're good. You're [00:18:48] good. [00:18:48] You're Like a therapist. Mm-hmm go on [00:18:51] Raven Scott: Yes. [00:18:52] Yes. [00:18:53] Jeanne S. Villeci: it's good. [00:18:54] It's good. I [00:18:54] like it. I like it. [00:18:56] Raven Scott: Yeah. [00:18:57] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah. It's uh, [00:18:58] it's definitely. A lot of the work that I do with clients is to have them learn that not all of this is your responsibility and that this, and to learn how to not have that responsibility, define them and to start to let it go so that they can create the space for somebody to step up and pitch in and, and take care of them. [00:19:24] but you know, and then of course, just like you said, a lot of times, a lot of times I would go, oh wow. My luck is improving. I I'm seeing these guys are like, suddenly I'm getting all this romance I always wanted. And I always gave, but I never got, and then, then you realize, oh, I'm not really getting that. [00:19:42] I'm with [00:19:42] Raven Scott: It's [00:19:43] not really real romance. It's [00:19:44] just a trick. yes. [00:19:47] We'll be back. in just a moment. [00:19:50] Hey, empaths wanted to take a break and ask if these phrases sound familiar to you. I didn't say that you're too sensitive. No one will ever [00:20:00] believe you. [00:20:01] If these phrases are. Familiar and you may be dealing with a narcissist [00:20:06] my book empath and the narcissist. Is for you. How to overcome narcissistic abuse and recover from PTSD, codependency, gaslighting, and manipulation. This book, weaves personal stories, education and healing exercises. [00:20:24] And as a guide for you to heal from childhood trauma, with effective exercises. And even a bonus chapter on human design. Also receive another bonus in this book. The free four ways to set powerful boundaries workshop is included in this book. If you wish to feel alive again, take back the power in your life. Then go to www dot Raven, Scott. Dot Show forward slash empath and the narcissist [00:20:56] Now, back to the show. [00:21:00] Raven Scott: Oh, it's a trick again, but seriously like to have the consciousness and awareness to know it was a trick, cuz I had no idea until he blatantly at the very end was like, I picked you for this exact, very reason because you're such a blank canvas. I can make you into whomever I wanted to. [00:21:17] And I was like, thank the universe for that huge truth bomb. Cuz that really put a nail in the [00:21:24] coffin [00:21:24] for me. I was like, okay then thank you [00:21:26] very much. [00:21:28] Jeanne S. Villeci: That is a gift. That's an amazing gift. I I've, I've heard stories of people. Who never get that gift. And then they're, they, they spend like 20 years, 30 years with somebody like that and they're just totally destroyed. [00:21:45] Raven Scott: Yeah. And they may even like, after they have adult children, I know of a one story where they've tried to. And then it's like, their existence was so ENMA and intertwined with that abusive partner and they didn't know how to exist on their own. So they went back. [00:22:00] They're like, [00:22:00] well, this is my [00:22:00] life. Yeah. So sad. [00:22:03] So [00:22:04] after, yeah, made my bed gonna lie in it, but it, after acknowledging that there is such this like intense hopelessness, [00:22:13] do you think there is hope for us [00:22:15] to be able to [00:22:16] change [00:22:16] and [00:22:16] shift to stop [00:22:17] attracting the Narcis. [00:22:19] Jeanne S. Villeci: yes. Um, I've actually, a lot of my clients have been very successful with [00:22:24] this, especially the more that they really commit to it because. Some people attach their identity so much to being a caretaker that they feel guilty when they stop doing it. So we have to do a lot of reframing around that deprogramming, so to speak that and I, and one way that I help them to do that, to get ready for dating is to, to point out. [00:22:56] It's when you take too much responsibility and when you're taking responsibility for another person, you are actually blocking their progress. You're preventing them from, you know, stepping up into their journey into, into their struggle when you try to take it on for them and fix it for them. That usually will help them because then of course, then they realize it's the other, oh, they're hurting the other person. [00:23:24] And I said, well, you're not necessarily hurting them. You're just kind of keeping them stuck. And that seems to help unlock the empath brain. [00:23:32] Raven Scott: Ooh. I love that. The enabling. Yeah. Cuz you truly do wanna help them. So maybe like stepping in and intervening, which their. Their whole life. That's why they are [00:23:40] so emotionally unintelligent, you're doing the same thing their parent is. And that's why you're attract. [00:23:45] They're attracted to you. [00:23:47] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah. Yeah. And then they re they go, then I, I point out and then you're also, um, preventing yourself from attracting someone who actually could be a real partner to you, has the same[00:24:00] And so when, once they start to really get that and own that. then we'd start talking about, okay, how are you gonna show up to the date differently? [00:24:10] I had a, um, a gay man who, uh, was one of my clients and he's very, very successful coach. He was in fifties. Um, used to showing up on the first date with a lot of gifts. Right. But I could tell he wast a And, um, cuz I was, I started asking some question, oh boy, is he like a love bomber? And so I asked him a bunch of questions and I realized it was really place of, um, not necessarily, [00:24:39] uh, trying to control, to please he was being, he was arriving And I started to realize he was an empath. And so he was trying to make that person feel loved and everything, but a part of it was, and I think a lot of us do this. [00:24:57] Part of it was we hope that if we give this that we'll receive it, you know, and [00:25:03] Raven Scott: Hmm. It's almost like a false concept of what we're taught about manifestation. Right? What you give reciprocity comes back to you. Yeah. But that's interesting. But when you're giving an expectation to receiving, it's not true giving, so therefore there's not [00:25:17] true reciprocity. [00:25:20] Interesting. And also what came up to me was like, that was probably his love language. [00:25:24] And he thought, well, everyone loves gifts. I love gifts. [00:25:26] Everyone loves gifts. So this is how [00:25:28] I'm, you know, coming forth And being a little bit over, um, overachiever [00:25:33] with the, the love [00:25:34] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah. Yeah. And it is one of, and, [00:25:36] and [00:25:37] it is one of his [00:25:37] love languages. And so I said, okay, imagine what it's like to be the other person showing up on the date, doesn't know you and is receiving all these things. I said, um, you know, is, is it possible that that person might be thinking. Oh, well with anything. [00:26:00] Um, could that person also be thinking, am I being love, bombed um, could they be, I said, there's a lot of be interpreting this that are not gonna go well for you. And said, and you don't need to try so hard. You are. I said, you are such a magnificent being like some, I said, I know. [00:26:21] A lot of people will say this to you, but I just want you to feel the energy in my heart coming at you. When I say this, this feel the authenticity of how magnificent you are. You do not need to do this. And then you realized he was blocking it by doing this. And so I said, I want you to just show up on the date. [00:26:39] Just don't try so hard. Try just showing up with the energy of being curious. Having a good time, no expectation and allow the other person to please you a little bit. That was a big breakthrough for him. And I think it was about three months after we finished coaching he's he's with a, he found his partner he's with that person whose love language is [00:27:08] also gifts. [00:27:10] Raven Scott: Yeah. Perfect. See, without bombing with the guests, he was able to truly find someone in the same frequency as him. That's amazing. That is so incredible. It's always, you know, whenever it comes to transforming and abundance and manifesting, it actually always boils down to surrender what I've learned. [00:27:34] And I'm still learning. I'm not as wise as you, but yes, it always [00:27:37] comes down to surrender and radical self love. Do you agree? Like I'd love to dive [00:27:43] in a bit more about radical self. [00:27:45] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yes. I've got confirmation. My little crown shockers going tingle. Tingle. Yes. Talk about this. Yes. Um, radical self love. It's one of those things where a lot of empaths, them that, and you'll get a [00:28:00] little bit of an eye roll, cuz they're like, I know how to love myself. I'm a nurturer. I know how to, and. [00:28:07] I have to breathe and then I have to, because I know it's part of their resistance and you know, then my compassion kicks in and I, I ha I help them to really see that radical self care is not something they know how to do. They know how to help other people, but they, they don't, they don't commit the time and invest the time. [00:28:33] In it for themselves and they don't understand, it's not just giving yourself a bubble bath and , um, going and , get your nails done. Radical self-care is a big part of it is set setting boundaries. And most of the EMPAs I've worked with have no concept. I know I didn't. I did [00:28:52] Raven Scott: oh, no, I no, I, I was just agreeing with you. My, my flood gates were open. Come on, come, come one, come all into my little tiny house and let's all [00:29:01] squishing [00:29:02] together. [00:29:05] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah, I, I was unaware. I, I know I used to get like really annoyed when I would overgive and then I'd resent the other person until one day the light bulb went off and I went, well, that's your fault. I mean, you are, you need to learn to say no. And there's something very powerful around when I noticed I started paying attention to people. [00:29:30] Who said no, in a very loving way. I realized, wow, I don't know how to do that. I feel tremendous guilt. And then, um, I think it was Dr. Judi Orloff in that Lin, um, retreat, who said, you know, your, your responsibility is ultimately to yourself. number one priority empath is to yourself. That way you will be much better [00:30:00] equipped to heal the world the way that you are meant to show up in the world to heal because, you know, we're all we tend to be healers. [00:30:09] So I, it, it, sometimes with impasse, they have to understand that they if you feel guilty, it's just a sign, a form of resistance. When you stop taking care of other people and realizing that's not your job, you have to work on yourself first. And then you focus what energy you do have and what's appropriate. [00:30:33] You know, then you focus that in the way to heal in the way that you're, that's really, instead of getting yourself exhausted and draining yourself, trying to heal everyone, you can focus on really the people you're really here to serve. Does that [00:30:47] make [00:30:47] sense? [00:30:49] Raven Scott: mm-hmm yeah, I it's. It's just like in business, you can't like hold a microphone up to the entire world. and say, Hey, I'm offering this when like only 1% of the people you're talking to. Let's say, if you're standing in a mall, actually care about what you're offering, right? You have to niche down meaning also serving others and who you let in your intimate circle needs to be niched down as well. [00:31:15] When you said that about like impasse feeling guilt, that 100% resonates. And I agree with you. Do you think that guilt. A combination of like energetic resistance or is it conditioned from society? [00:31:30] And, uh, I don't know, like or something. [00:31:37] Jeanne S. Villeci: both in my, it's both, I know in my family, when I would try to take care of myself, I was called selfish. Right. I, I remember saying, um, that I didn't wanna have children. I did years later become a stepmom and I I did not I was here to to a baby. I remember a [00:32:00] taxi driver when I was on, in New York, on business, a taxi driver, some guy from Eastern Europe, he said, uh, he was just saying, so are you mother. [00:32:10] I said no. And he looked [00:32:11] at me, I [00:32:11] was like, you [00:32:12] Raven Scott: Why is that your first question? Just cause I'm a [00:32:14] woman. [00:32:16] Jeanne S. Villeci: oh, wait [00:32:16] for it. [00:32:17] I was in my [00:32:17] late thirties. And he goes, well, [00:32:20] aren't you getting a little old or don't you don't you think you should get on that? And, and I said, um, [00:32:27] Raven Scott: oh, my. [00:32:28] Jeanne S. Villeci: no, not really. And he said, but it's your destiny as a woman. you. [00:32:34] Not to be a mother. And I said, listen, I'm I'm mother, the world I've had enough, you know? And he, he didn't get it. And, um, my mother and my sister, both of who, you know, were moms, you know, also called me rather. Honestly, I'd rather travel the world , you know, uh, and they were like, well, look at you being so selfish, you know? [00:33:01] And so there was definitely that, but I think [00:33:03] Raven Scott: Martys the martyr syndrome is like [00:33:06] glorified in the, the mother [00:33:09] realm. [00:33:09] Yeah, [00:33:10] Jeanne S. Villeci: it was [00:33:10] really glorified. [00:33:12] Raven Scott: it's toxic. it's like almost it's ancient. It's an ancient toxic, like we have plenty population on the earth. Now. We technically [00:33:18] are not selfish. We're actually being selfless by [00:33:21] not having children [00:33:23] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah. [00:33:24] Raven Scott: history. [00:33:25] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah, I think so too. [00:33:26] And, and I really wa did [00:33:28] feel [00:33:29] at that point. I was so bad at saying no, I really did feel. Like if I had a child on top of everybody else, I was, I took it upon myself to take care of. I said, I shoot myself in the head. because I can't, I can't take on anymore. Um, I didn't really see all of that very clearly back then, but I think also it's in my nature to, seek to people, please, uh, to make it [00:34:00] better. [00:34:00] I. component to wanting to heal. I am that's, I am a just there's just, but this, I didn't always have a healthy expression of that. And I think if I took care of myself first, I felt like this spiritual guilt, like, you know, you're taking care of yourself as selfish. [00:34:23] Raven Scott: I feel like it goes way, way back, like to the days just around, after the stoicism was popular or something like. when Islam and Christianity and like all of these, like the men took over, essentially, cuz there were women goddesses that were worshiped by ancient cultures. And then all of a sudden those got erased and it was male and this and that, but it also affects men. [00:34:47] It's not like it's just oppressing women. It's affecting the ability for men to be able to process and have emotional intelligence and be truly embrace their superpower of being an. [00:35:00] Yeah, it's just, I feel like it's a very deep ancestral [00:35:05] Jeanne S. Villeci: I'm so glad you said that. I think [00:35:08] a lot of people don't UN understand that a lot of men are empaths. Um, [00:35:15] Raven Scott: A lot of men are, but they just kind of, I think they're not as quote, unquote, highly sensitive as us only because conditioned to, to [00:35:23] numb it or dampen it. [00:35:24] So society doesn't blame them for something, but they feel [00:35:28] inside just as much as we do. [00:35:30] Jeanne S. Villeci: yeah, my husband is one of [00:35:32] them and it, it, uh, there [00:35:33] was, [00:35:34] I didn't really understand it because there were, there were certain things like he can watch. Movies about disturbing things and he loves it. And I, I can't, I just cannot it's too much. I over identify it, but then there were other things [00:35:51] that he does. [00:35:52] Um, he said to me, um, once early in our dating and it just blew me away. Um, I don't know if you can relate to [00:36:00] this, I relate this, as empath when I was a little girl and I would see even. inanimate objects. Like maybe something discarded like a doll discarded or, um, like a little figuring, maybe it would be discarded by the side of the road. I would feel sorry for it. Like it was abandoned, know, like, um, [00:36:20] Raven Scott: Mm. [00:36:20] Jeanne S. Villeci: a soul, you know, [00:36:22] Raven Scott: Yeah. [00:36:23] Jeanne S. Villeci: And my husband, I, I, we were we were living in Oakland, we were, we had just got out of like a, a golf bar. we, you know, we were all goed out. We were walking out and we, I saw something and I told him about that. [00:36:38] I was like, I used to hate throwing things away because I thought, you know, I was hurting it. And he said, oh my God, I always, always like that too, as a little boy. And, um, That blew me away because I just thought, and then I realized, as I thought about it, there are many, many more sensitive than I give him credit for. [00:36:58] And I gave him the quiz, empath quiz. [00:37:01] Raven Scott: What was his score? [00:37:03] Jeanne S. Villeci: He had a seven out of 10 and that was just enough to get him into like the moderate. I think if I remember correctly, [00:37:14] sometimes I'm jealous that he's a moderate [00:37:17] Raven Scott: Yeah. It's a lot easier to be a moderate impact. [00:37:22] yeah. Well, that's why he's your partner. He's balancing you out. He's he's bringing you back down grounding [00:37:27] you [00:37:28] Jeanne S. Villeci: is, he is. [00:37:32] Raven Scott: well, and speaking of your husband, he, you talk, you are the soulmate coach. You talk about how, you know, you, you two are soulmates. I'd love to hear a bit more about like what your definition is [00:37:43] about [00:37:43] a soulmate and how that [00:37:45] whole [00:37:46] and process went. [00:37:47] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah. You know, so I believe we have, um, multiple soulmates out there. I believe we all, um, travel in soul groups. This is my belief and that we different lifetimes will be different[00:38:00] that. Right. And, I believe that a lot of. When a soulmate comes into your life, first of. all, and I get a I believe when a soulmate comes into your life, a romantic one, you're not gonna feel excited. You're gonna feel calm. [00:38:16] Raven Scott: Yeah. [00:38:17] Jeanne S. Villeci: And I get a lot of resistance, cuz people are very, to the sexual excitement that I'm gonna be, you know, having sex pinned up against the wall and I'm gonna have like this wild, you know, and I, and I, to point out, I said, listen, I'm not saying you can't have that sex with a soulmate. [00:38:35] I'm just saying, please don't lead with that. Don't look for that because that's not. You're going to feel with someone who is, you've been with before you've traveled with across the realms. You're gonna feel calm. You're gonna feel more peaceful. You're gonna feel authentic. When the first thing you feel with someone is like this wild excitement I'll ask people, ask yourself, do you feel authentic with that person? [00:39:04] Or are you sucking in your stomach? Are you going and fixing your makeup and fixing your hair? And. Almost always say, yes . And I said, because that's instinct, that's human. That's like cave woman, you know, cave man, brain thinking this person would be good to meet with. So I purposely, when I went my husband and I talked on the phone several times all night, long before we met, when we met, I purposely was not looking for. [00:39:39] Big exciting spark. I was looking for. How did I feel? Was I leaning in? Did I feel like I could be myself and I was a hundred percent, a hundred percent. And I kept, I kept finding myself wanting to get closer to his body and, um, and I wasn't asking my, and [00:40:00] I made sure not to spend the entire date, trying to get in his head. And what was he thinking and how can I make him feel better? And how can I impress him? I myself. Like I would with a friend. And by the third date, all. That ability to feel like I could show up as myself that he was attracted to me at my weight. I was at my full weight back then. [00:40:27] He was really attracted to me [00:40:30] and he wasn't a chubby chaser either. He just was attracted to my [00:40:35] Raven Scott: yeah, it wasn't [00:40:36] like a fetish. It was like [00:40:38] truly [00:40:38] he [00:40:38] was attracted to your soul. [00:40:41] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah, cuz I've, I've been out with D fetish guys and it's a very different vibe. [00:40:46] And, um, what I tell people was that third time that, you know, that CA that date became, we call it the last weekend because it became like a five day date, um, just getting reacquainted with each other and. I actually did Reiki on him. And that was a big test because I thought, well, he's a Can he, can he truly handle this other layer of me? And not only was he like, positive about it, he goes, would you do it on me? And I said, sure. And I did it on him. And in the middle of doing Reiki, he grabbed my arm and he said, my guides wanna know if you're ready for. [00:41:25] Raven Scott: Wow. [00:41:27] Jeanne S. Villeci: And I said, ha, have, do you normally talk to your guides? You didn't really mention that. And he goes, that's the first time, but they're, I, I have guides and they're asking me if you're ready for me. [00:41:39] Raven Scott: Wow. [00:41:40] Jeanne S. Villeci: um, [00:41:40] Raven Scott: Wow. Wow. [00:41:41] Jeanne S. Villeci: yeah. Yeah. So that was really just, I, I mentioned that part of the story, most people are more interested in the fact that I magnetized him over. [00:41:50] By, you know, flying my freak flag and putting myself out there in a really authentic way. But to me, the more extraordinary part of the story is navigating the first [00:42:00] meeting and looking cuz I, if I had been doing what I had been doing my whole life before that I would've prob I would've not, I probably would've overlooked him. [00:42:08] I would've thought I was settling cuz it was too calm. [00:42:12] Raven Scott: Yeah. Yeah. I always, I always liken to like my, you know, my partnership and like feeling truly I've discovered in different pasti regression meditations. Like we have been in different roles together. We, but we've always been together in some different roles. And so I always liken it to like, oh, here's this warm, cozy sweater. [00:42:32] Like just feels comfortable, feels cozy. There's still amazing, you know, wonderful excitement, but it's not. You say that flashy like fireworks [00:42:43] and fakeness and [00:42:45] product there's no production. Do [00:42:47] you agree? Like, is there no production? [00:42:49] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah. And I I explain to people the sex will take care of itself. You feel that kind of connection and authenticity, and you're not sitting there worrying about, suck it in your stomach and playing with your hair and fixing your makeup. And that person digs you the way you are. That is, I said, the sex you have with somebody like that amazing. [00:43:12] Raven Scott: Oh, [00:43:12] Jeanne S. Villeci: So you're [00:43:13] not gonna be settling. It's [00:43:15] Raven Scott: Trust me. It is. Yeah. And like you can giggle and laugh and like have these most awkward Funt moments [00:43:21] and like totally brush it [00:43:22] off. Like, ah, you should laugh at [00:43:23] each other. And then, you [00:43:26] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah, exactly. It's just, I think so I think part of the journey is just [00:43:31] letting go of the fantasy of, you know, having the Hollywood meet cute and, and feeling like. That Hollywood moment of looking across the room and seeing them and just going, wow, my God, you know, the, the drama that, that they think they have to have, or else they're settling and there's this whole worry about, am I settling? [00:43:54] And that's the thing is the deprogramming of all of that, that, [00:44:00] that I think helps has helped my clients find a partner and understand. [00:44:05] You that's what makes you happy is, is letting go of all of that, [00:44:10] Raven Scott: I, I agree with you so much. And it's settling when you go for that cool drink of water. That looks amazing, that hot person, but he's candy coated misery. And then you settle for all of his abuse or her abuse that they put on you. That's settling, not being comfortable and drama [00:44:28] free [00:44:29] and, you know, supporting each other. [00:44:35] Jeanne S. Villeci: Totally the first guy I, um, [00:44:38] the first guy I ever had sex with was, uh, a guy I thought I would never be able to get, you know, he was movie star handsome. He was this would FAW over him and it would, it would kind of piss me and because I didn't really think that I was in his league. [00:44:54] You know, um, I to him. And I remember he came up to me at the gym um, Hey, I was gonna work out on that machine. I said, honey, I don't see your And I'm here. And I just And he was suddenly intrigued. And um, it became very obvious that I look back on it, it wasn't obvious to me at the time, but I was like, oh my God, he was such a NA narcissist. and I, I'm to think about how I bent my, how that all changed. Once he showed interest in me, I suddenly went off. The healthy part of me just took a, took a nose dive, or took a chill pill. [00:45:30] And I started all this unhealthy behavior. He asked, he said to me, oh God, you're gorgeous. How much more weight are you gonna lose? Cuz this is during a thin, thin period. And. [00:45:41] Raven Scott: I love that. You just made that quote, cuz that is a perfect typical narcissist compliment. [00:45:47] Dig slash controlling [00:45:53] Jeanne S. Villeci: I look back and now I was like, [00:45:55] how did I not just say F you and just leave the [00:46:00] date? How did I continue to go on with the date? And I. Oh my God. It was just, I look back at that and I have to laugh now, but oh my goodness. There were, there were years where I really had to work on self forgiveness because I was like, why did you walk into that and settle for that? [00:46:18] And you know, but you know, that's why you and I are here today is because we've been through this experience. We can help other people. [00:46:29] Raven Scott: Yeah. And I think the journey is waking up. Right? So in those moments you had him up on a pedestal, first of all, you thought that you were below him. So he, and he knew it. So he could play that card with you and have that control. and you were just, you were still subconscious, you were still not realizing how much of a powerhouse [00:46:49] you were and you were focusing on this [00:46:50] like body versus [00:46:52] your [00:46:52] empath superpowers and your coping [00:46:54] mechanisms and your emotional [00:46:55] intelligence. [00:46:56] Yeah. And now you've learned. Yeah. And you have that experience to coach [00:47:01] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah. Yeah. [00:47:04] all of that. Well, there's a Hollywood movie, uh, genre, you know, where it's like the nerd or gorgeous person, right. That that's that fantasy that I was having. And, um, I, had a client recently, a male client. In Ireland, who was like, you know, he was the typical nerdy, chubby guy, computer And he was, he wanted to date like some model who I, you know, I, I would ask him, I said, where do you think a that is? And, and he, he was like, oh, you know, I don't know. And, and I said, she's [00:47:49] on a yacht [00:47:50] Raven Scott: U using him for [00:47:52] his money, cuz she's [00:47:53] also vain. [00:47:55] yeah, you [00:47:55] don't want that. [00:47:57] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yes. I said she's [00:48:00] using information. [00:48:00] She might, she might be a narcissist. [00:48:02] Who [00:48:02] knows? I said, but [00:48:04] let's talk about what kind of woman will make [00:48:06] you [00:48:06] happy, not the status symbol. Now I [00:48:09] was, obviously, I was [00:48:10] kinder than that and I asked powerful questions to get him there. I'm just [00:48:14] cutting to the chase with you, cuz it's a podcast. Yeah. [00:48:18] But it was [00:48:19] so obvious. That's what he [00:48:20] was doing. [00:48:21] And I said, this kind of [00:48:21] woman is gonna, he's an [00:48:23] empath. [00:48:24] That kind of woman is gonna destroy [00:48:26] his. [00:48:27] Sensitive nature. He said, but I have trouble with just the girls next door. They want like bad boys. And I said, no, they don't want bad boys, honey. They, when they're healthy and they've gotten over that and they realize that that's, what's breaking their hearts. [00:48:43] I said, what they really want is just confidence, a nice guy with confidence. And that was like a big light. [00:48:51] For him, you know, and if there are men listening, out there, that's really what it's about. They do want you, they do want a sensitive guy. That's, you know what they say in the movies is wrong. It's just that if you're not confident [00:49:07] and sensitive, then a woman doesn't feel like they wanna be [00:49:10] Raven Scott: Oh, yeah. That's like the hottest, like a man to be able to go at bat for [00:49:13] you and cry a [00:49:15] little tear [00:49:15] over something like horrible happening in the world for humanity. Yeah. [00:49:20] Jeanne S. Villeci: Ugh. [00:49:20] Raven Scott: hot. yeah. [00:49:22] Jeanne S. Villeci: Yeah, it is hot. I love it. When my, when, when my husband like [00:49:28] loves animals like I do, and he [00:49:31] feels all this compassion and he goes, and he feeds the crows in the yard and he leaves them in this beautiful little pile. I just throw him out the door and he just . He goes and leaves them. The, and the crows love [00:49:41] the ceremony with which he does it and they bring him little gifts. [00:49:44] And that just [00:49:45] Raven Scott: That's so cool. [00:49:46] Jeanne S. Villeci: that [00:49:46] the sex, [00:49:47] one of the it's [00:49:48] Raven Scott: Yeah, it is. [00:49:51] Jeanne S. Villeci: to [00:49:51] Raven Scott: Of course, well, to end to any empath that is, that is cuz we all [00:49:55] love animals. [00:49:57] Ugh. This has been amazing. You've [00:50:00] you have brought so many jewels and gems about how to form healthier habits when we're coming to dating. How to change from being a magnet to, from, to a magnet of a narcissist to repelling the Narcis. [00:50:13] I really appreciate your raw and vulnerable stories and [00:50:16] just [00:50:16] showing us how amazing we all [00:50:19] are just as we are. So thank you for being here. [00:50:22] Jeanne S. Villeci: Well, thank you for having me on. I really loved, I, I learned, uh, everything I [00:50:27] learned a little bit more. Every [00:50:28] time I talk to you. So I look forward to keeping the conversation going. [00:50:33] Raven Scott: Yeah, absolutely. Yes. And, um, I will put. Your links of where everyone can find you and continue on, you know, soaking up your wisdom goodness as well with your partner on that. Um, dating is such a drag podcast, as well as all of your other places. If they need coaching, your link will be in the well. [00:50:53] So, And everyone, if this is really benefited, you. And you've enjoyed this conversation, take a screenshot of this podcast, put it up on Instagram and share it with us and tag both of us and also, um, rate and review this podcast to help me get the word out to other people. It is Fastly growing, but the of people out in the world. [00:51:13] So my goal is to help as many IPAs and non-identified, iPath, [00:51:20] battling against this [00:51:22] epidemic of narcissism. So. [00:51:24] Jeanne S. Villeci: amen sister. [00:51:26] Raven Scott: Thank you [00:51:27] so [00:51:27] much, right? Amen. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Some somehow [00:51:32] it's morphed into my life mission [00:51:34] where I [00:51:34] was resisting it, even [00:51:35] just when I published my book last year, I was like, I [00:51:37] don't [00:51:37] wanna talk about narcissist the rest of my life. [00:51:40] Jeanne S. Villeci: absolutely. You're really, really talented at it. And there are, and I think. Um, I, I was talking to somebody the other day [00:51:47] super quick that they were like, well, I don't know if I wanna talk about this embarrassing background I have with narcissist. I actually referred her to your podcast talking about terrible background with a [00:51:57] Narcis. [00:51:57] She said, you. [00:51:58] have to, you have to listen to [00:52:00] Raven Scott. oh, my God. [00:52:01] Um, So [00:52:03] Raven Scott: Thank [00:52:04] Jeanne S. Villeci: yeah, I did because it's just other, you know, otherwise I said, it's your vulnerability and the fact that you've been through it, what people, why people fall in love with you. And why they wanna listen to you cuz that you you're not [00:52:16] on a pedestal. [00:52:17] They can [00:52:17] say, oh, she went through it. So I don't feel embarrassed. [00:52:20] Raven Scott: Yeah. I mean, that's where the best teachers come from, right? Just like you experiencing the heartache and learning about yourself and then you can teach from experience. That's the most powerful. Yeah. [00:52:32] Jeanne S. Villeci: Absolutely. [00:52:35] Raven Scott: Well, everyone remember, like, I always say, keep your unique light shining. We'll see you next episode. [00:52:43] Madhvi is helping people release emotional baggage break negative patterns, and find root causes with the emotional and body code I highly recommend connecting with Madhvi. Reach out to her in the show notes today and get your free emotion code inquiry consultation today. [00:53:05] Visit www.madhvi.ca that's M a D HVI dot C. A And the link will be in the show notes. I do also offer coaching sessions for you specifically on recovering and healing from narcissistic abuse. I'm taking one on one coaching clients. I have four spots left. So contact me through the link in the show notes to grab your coaching sessions today. .