“DARVO – is The Narcissist Defends themselves, then Attacks you, Reversing the roles of who the Victim is and the Offender. Making you out to be the bad guy.”
-Raven Scott @ravenscottshow
Have a manipulative narcissist in your life? Learn their tactics and discover what you can do to protect yourself from lies and manipulation.
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Key Moments:
Here are some key moments:
- Real lies heard by the narcissist’s victims in our community
- DARVO
- Tactics such as Gaslighting, Minimization your Feelings, and outright denial
- How to protect yourself and deal with the narcissist lying.
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Common Tactics that Narcissists Use to Lie and Manipulate
Do manipulative narcissists ever tell the truth? Unfortunately, they typically don’t. They are masters of deception and use lies and manipulation to get what they want. Learn more about the tactics they use to control you and what steps you can take to protect yourself.
Deflection and blame-shifting.
Narcissists use deflection and blame-shifting as part of their manipulation methods. They’ll deflect responsibility for their wrongdoings or disowning the fault onto someone or something else. And, they’ll often make up excuses to explain away the lies they have previously told in order to keep the blame away from themselves. When confronted with the truth, they may turn it back on you, making you feel as if you are unjustified in your claims.
DARVO= Deflect, Attack, Reverse the roles of Victim and offender from you as the victim to the narcissist playing the victim.
13:32
Gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a common tactic used commonly by narcissists in order to manipulate and distort the truth. This involves trying to make you question your own reality , making you doubt yourself and questioning your judgment. They might pass off statements as jokes that are really attempts to degrade or hurt you, or use sweet-sounding platitudes that can be twisted and manipulated depending on the situation. They might lie about past events and information about others in order to create confusion and chaos or make themselves seem more important than they really are.
Outright denial or lie of events or experiences.
A narcissist may outright deny that something ever happened, even if the proof is right in front of them. They may be very convincing in their cases, and it can seem almost impossible to get through to them. In order to protect yourself from these lies and manipulation tactics, it’s important to stay firm and confident in your own reality; if you have evidence of an event or experience, don’t let the narcissist twist it into something you didn’t witness. Document as much as you can with physical proof whenever possible.
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Minimization and Trivialization of Others’ Feelings or Actions
Minimization and trivialization of others’ feelings or actions is a common tactic used by the narcissistic manipulator. They can act as if whatever you are feeling about a certain situation isn’t valid, or as if it doesn’t matter in comparison to their feelings. This type of behavior steamrolls over your feelings and denies them legitimacy. Rather than listen, understand, or take responsibility for their actions, the manipulator takes the conversation elsewhere in order to avoid being held accountable for their words or behaviors.
Justification & the Grey Rock Methodology
These tactics can be quite difficult to combat, but there are some options. One strategy for dealing with a manipulative narcissist is the Grey Rock Methodology – which involves remaining emotionally and intellectually distant from the manipulator. It’s not about responding or acquiescing to any distortions of reality from the narcissist, it’s about being firm and consistent in your responses and your words, avoiding confrontation or getting into arguments, and expressing yourself calmly and clearly without justifying anything.
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Transcript
32. 7 Crazy Lies Narcissists use to Control the Empath
Welcome to the Empath and the Narcissist podcast, where you regain your sparkle back after narcissistic abuse. I am your host Raven Scott,
a trauma informed spiritual mentor, certified meditation teacher, and human design expert. I’m empowering empaths three times a week in recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma through human design, self-care, mindfulness advice, and expert interviews. This is season five
Episode 32
Eight crazy lies. Narcissist used to control you.
Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? And you’ve found the right podcast. Narcissist manipulate and control you and path their victims. So in this episode today to discover the top shocking lies that you may have been told by a narcissist. Now some of them are from me and some of them are from our very own listeners.
, sending them in.
And a disclaimer, this particular episode has a lot of topics regarding the bedroom. So putting your ear pods and. Don’t play this out loud. If you have little ones in the room. . Heroine. I go into the crazy lies that the narcissist.
I’m no longer seeing her. I could be happy if it wasn’t for you.
My therapist said it was okay to sex to older married women as a tool to get better. Oh, a blowjob before sex is a form of birth control. You were so selfish. I think you’re a narcissist. Any of those lies sound familiar. A couple others. I just wanna give a shout out to our listeners who have sent in their feedback of some of the lies that they’ve experienced is another one.
Uh, he always played the victim. This is the narcissist tactic playing the victim. ? He had to have sex 10 times a day as a coping mechanism. And that’s absolutely a lie because what it is, is actually addiction to avoid. What he’s feeling. Mine did the same thing. I think he jerked off a couple times a day and then expected me to have sex for like four hours that night.
I mean, it’s just like this insatiable desire to escape life and to numb and yeah. Another great lie is I’ve changed, except they haven’t really changed in their actions. No one will ever love you, like I. I heard that way too many times and I believed it For the love of God, I believed it. I just, it’s like these teeny tiny paper cuts, so just every single day, another guest, her the lie was, see, you’re always forgetting things.
You’re going crazy to instill that doubt in you.
So today we are going to talk about the eight common tactics that narcissists use to lie and manipulate. Do you have a manipulative narcissist in your life? I’m sure you do if you are tuning into this podcast for the first time or for the hundredth time, and it never, Is a bad thing to learn and educate yourself about their tactics.
You need to learn about the tactics to erase their lies because they have twisted all wires up in your brain and made you think whatever their lies are true, and then you justify and protect them. , and so it’s really important to protect yourself from the lies and the manipulation of the narcissist.
And growing up, we weren’t taught this. We weren’t given all of. Information as we have now.
Do manipulative narcissists ever tell the truth? I think we can All exper that we’ve experienced, we can all say no, but definitely hop into the Empath Healing Support Facebook group to answer the poll and let’s just weigh in. Do we all have the same? Unfortunately, they typically don’t. They are masters of deception and use lies and manipulation to get what they want.
Learn more about these tactics here. We’re gonna talk about more of these tactics. So the first tactic that I’m gonna talk about today is deflection and blame. Shifting. Narcissists use deflection and they shift the blame. It’s called davo, actually defend attack. Reverse victim, then they become the victim, right?
Victimize and O is they make you the defender. And this is why it makes you start to feel like, am I the narcissist? No, you are a victim of Davo. This is what you are. You are not the narciss.
This is just part of their manipulation methods. They’ll deflect responsibility for their wrongdoing. This is a number one common thread amongst all N P D narcissists or disowning the fault onto someone or something else. And they’ll often make up excuses to explain away the lies they have previously told in order to keep the blame away from themselves.
And this brings up that question, are narcissists, master manipulators or idiots? And I think the general consensus is they’re both like they’re trying to be multiple steps ahead. They’re masterfully manipulating us, but then when the truth comes out, which it always does, they then look like the idiot cuz they have to backpedal and make up excuses and explain away their lies.
And when you become awakened to this and you’re done taking their bull, Then they do look like idiots. But when you’re still under the trans and you still are justifying for them, yeah, they are master manipulators. And when confronted with the truth, they may turn it back. They always turn it back onto you.
So when they’re confronted with the truth, they always turn it back onto you because who else is there to take the respons? It’s not gonna be them. So you have to, and then they make you feel as if you are unjustified in your emotions and your claims. And maybe that would take 10 minutes for them. I think probably in the beginning of the relationship, I think it would.
, and then as it gets, , older in the relationship, for me it was always a, took like an hour, two hours and , I remember taking. Walks, like we would take these three mile walks, right? For exercise on my day off in the morning. It’d always be on the morning after we had a really long type of like sexual encounter.
And then he would not be able to get off because of his own issues and his own mind and whatever the hell he was doing that day. And then he would blame me for not being sexy enough and not being able to get off. And this, by the way, is sexual abuse. And then the next morning we would take a long walk and I would be introspecting like, what is going wrong?
Why are we always struggling with this pattern? And he would do it in such a covert, conning way that he really genuinely leaned into my wanting it to change and my willingness to do certain actions for it to change and improve. and just go on and on. I mean, I feel like it went on and on because it didn’t make sense to me.
Like it was a very esoteric roundabout like mind bending manipulation of, oh yeah, well, you know, it’s this and that and da da da. It was never him and it was never the actual reason. Like, oh yeah, I jerked off a couple times during the day, like that’s why I couldn’t get off cuz I had nothing left or, .
, who knows what’s going on. The, maybe he didn’t feel worthy enough. He just was so much in his head.
He had so many distractions, drama, he was depressed about. All these things were the real issue, but they were not my issues. They’re, they weren’t my problem and I was doing everything the best I could. I put make extra makeup on. I drank alcohol. I wore sexy lingerie and high heels, which you shouldn’t have to do to have a connection with someone you’re with for them to like be.
I was trying too hard. And that’s like a huge red flag. If you’re trying too hard, then it’s just the chemistry just isn’t there anymore. Like stop trying. And it’s just the not, it’s not the right partnership. It’s not the right thing. And I feel like I went on this big rabbit hole with you, but what I’m trying to say is that he ju the truth would never come out on his end because he wouldn’t take responsibility.
And so yeah, it was all my fault and it would always be like if you. Shifted this one tiny thing. If you just drank one more drink of alcohol, if you just, oh, how about this? I’ll go on a shopping spree and I’ll buy some different high heels. Or if you just, you know, shifted your mindset here, then everything will be fine.
And that happened over and over weekly, you know, and every time I moved out it happened. And so it is this brainwashing. And I was open, I was willing, I was naive to the fact. every conflict takes is a two-way street. And I just received it. And like he was on a pedestal, so there was no fault.
, I didn’t blame him for anything. And actually, that’s a great quote from my book that I posted on Instagram today, which is the week before this airs. , , my quote in the book says, can you see the pattern with a narcis? It is all about them, and I ignored that he was all about himself and he put himself on a pedestal and enabled and praised him for being a genius and all knowing he knew best in my eyes, and because I had this mindset, anything he said was an easy gaslighting.
I took it in and I absorbed it. The second tactic is the outright denial or lie of events or experie. And this is also the most infuriating and frustrating because you wish you had tape recorded what they just said. A narcissist may outright deny that something ever happened, even if the proof is right in front of them.
And yeah, you might have on a paper, you may have like a text message from somebody, but they will so adamantly deny it. They’ll convince themselves of their own. and they may be very convincing in their cases, and it can seem almost impossible to get through to them. In order to protect yourself though, you have to stop getting through to them, first of all, and protect yourself from their lies.
It’s important to stay firm and confident in your own reality. You know the truth now it’s your. To deflect all of their lies. Don’t even ask for the reasons and justifications you don’t need this. And all this whole spammers, like all these scams that are always flooding my, , comments and I’ve blocked them and I’ve like permanently blocked them on Instagram and I’ve figured out how to do that on Facebook.
So never fall for the trap that if you just got enough evidence or proof from a hacker to hack into their phone and their iPad. Then, then you’ll be free because you’re not just gonna be free. You’re just gonna have more painful information in front of you. And all of these tactics, you know, their behavior in front of you without knowing all their deep, dark, dirty secrets are enough to not stay with them.
They’re enough to put up your guard and protect yourself and to leave them. You don’t need to know all the dirty details. Really in reality, all the dirty details are just gonna hurt you more. And I’m not gonna say , avoid it. Like if it comes up, then you’ll need to work through it and heal it. And all the dirty details do come up later.
Like, I’ve discovered so many dirty details that I just like don’t wanna know, but they came to me from another person. Yeah, I mean the one thing you could do without hacking is to just open up their phone or their iPad, and sometimes they’ll be so careless that it’s already there sitting right in front of you .
Like you get a, you see a text from a woman and you’re like, who is this? Right? The evidence is in front of you, but they’re gonna deny it to their deathbed. They’re gonna deny that that person is romantically involved , with them, even if it’s like an inappropriate text. So don’t let the narcissist twist it into something that you didn’t witness is the biggest thing here.
You don’t need to hack into their stuff, stoop to their level. You’ll see it already. You’ll see it in their behavior, and you know the truth. And for you on your end text messages that you’re receiving from them, especially with child custody, documenting what you can on your. Is really important for the case of that, , to have physical proof only for child custody issues.
Really fear, peace of mind. I don’t know. I don’t, I guess it’s up to you, but for me, I have the peace of mind of just knowing his bad behavior was peace enough that I was out.
. The next tactic is minimizing and trivializing other people’s feelings or. The minimization of your reality is a huge tactic of the narcissist. So if you are already feeling like they don’t really hear you, they don’t know how you feel, they’re pushing you aside and your feelings are getting minimized, then you know that you are dealing with someone who is emotionally abusing you, and you can start to develop that plan to leave or to start putting your boundaries.
I mean, this minimalization of your emotions is a very common tactic of n p d, of even people who are very selfish, not quite diagnosable for narcissism, but certainly are toxic that don’t have your best interest in mind. So this also.
Runs the gamut of all the different relationships. They can act as if whatever you are feeling about a certain situation is not valid or as if it doesn’t matter in comparison to their feelings. This is again, part of that davo. So they may turn it onto them and say, well, what about me? You did all this stuff.
How do I feel? Right? And they play onto your kind, open-hearted, empathic. , , mindset, and they’ll play on the feelings that the situation isn’t valid.
When I came home from that trip and I was just expressing how, what a great time I had, it was like, It wasn’t even heard. That wasn’t valid to him. He didn’t say, oh, I’m so glad you enjoyed that. He immediately went in and said, oh, they’re breeders and they’re horrible people and I can’t believe people do this to the environment and da, da, da, da.
It just like was all his agenda, right? This type of behavior, it steamrolls other people’s feelings and denies them legitimacy. Again, this is emotional abuse. Rather than listening and understanding or taking responsibility for their actions or even having empathy, right? That’s a big part of N P D is that they have zero empathy.
So this is your sign and your litmus test that this person does not have empathy. I share with ’em how I feel, and they’re always telling me how I shouldn’t feel that, or I share with ’em how I feel and they’re minimizing or completely changing the topic or berating me about that or talking about something else, or bringing up how they feel and not acknowledging how you feel.
All of these are just tactics. These are all just ways to not accept responsibility and receive and hold space for your emotion. So they’ll take the conversation elsewhere in order to avoid being held accountable. That’s the bottom line. That’s the tactic. That’s why they’re doing it. And justification.
The the last one I have here is justification,
and I’m gonna give you a strategy on how to deal with all of these lies and tactics with a narc. They can be difficult to come back. I know. And, , there are options in order to not hear them anymore. Of course you can go no contact, which would be highly advisable if you can, if you are, have no financial or child connection with them.
Go no contact. You’re broken up with them, you’ve left whatever. You don’t need their phone in your phone anymore. You can block them like there’s no need for them to be there because there is no hope that they’re going to change and reach out to you, or you reach out to them and everything will be better.
So as soon as you can feel ready and comfortable, delete their phone number, go no contact. The second is Gray Rock Method. If you’re still in the situation, you need to find your plan to get. The gray rock method is a great way to emotionally disengage.
, which involves you removing emotionally and intellectually from the conversation and the interactions. So the thing with the narcissist is they love to control. They love to bait you into whatever conversation they’re having or argument, or again, you’re bringing something up to them and they’re lying.
So you already know they’re a thing. You already know they’re a deal. You already know they’re lying. You already know they’re games and you already have your plan in place that you’re going to leave. So while you’re in the midst of it, you remove yourself it’s like, , it’s like that one phrase, I like you, but there’s a wall.
I think that was from friends. I forget. Was that from friends? Yeah. Let me know. I like you, but there’s a wall. Or maybe. No, not Frazier, Seinfeld. It’s from Seinfeld. You have to have that roll wall up while your heart, while your emotions, while your mind off from the narcissist, just no big deal, not gonna engage.
Whatever you say that great, whatever. It’s like water. Rolling off a duck’s back. All of these things are easy to say. I know these analogies, but when you’re in the midst of it, really practice removing. Any type of investment in your truth because you already know they’re not gonna receive your truth.
You are dealing with someone who is mentally ill. So if you can look at it that way, you’re not looking at it as you are interacting with someone who has any type of rationale or reason that you can reason with, and it’s not about responding or acquiescing to any of the distortions of the reality from the narcissist.
It is about being firm and consistent in your response. And your words, avoiding confrontation or getting into arguments and expressing yourself calmly and clearly without justifying anything so that it also is a great practice in developing boundaries. Develop those boundaries yourself and say, I’m not going to engage in an argument.
You take a pause, you take a breather, and you can respond in a very clear, calm manner.
I mean, a lot of times you don’t really need to respond at all, especially if it’s over a phone conversation. I mean, there’s no need, but if you’re in the room with the person, then it’s best to be as calm and removed emotionally as possible
And you get to peer behind the curtain again, and sneak peek behind the scenes. You may be, have heard some clanking on some dishes. And while I was recording this, my husband was making his lunch in the background.
And since he seems to be the master, the Zen Jedi. Of being able to disengage with narcissists and highly toxic people. Uh i asked him this question
Do you have any other tips for gray rocking the, the narcissist in the room? Like, let’s say someone’s stuck in a relationship at the moment with them.
Oh yeah, I like that. So just let them say what they wanna say, and you do what you wanna do. That’s it. That’s for my wise husband. I love that.
And that is the conclusion today. I have this episode, seven crazy lies. Narcissist used to control you. I’m sure you have heard many crazy lies to drop them in the post in the Facebook group. And let’s share them so people can know. I mean, who knew mine? I totally believed my lie. So when we reveal the lies.
We educate each other, which is the most important thing to defend against the narcissist.
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