Are you wondering whether you’re being manipulated by a narcissist? Find out what is hoovering? And more about narcissistic abuse in this article and episode.
What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is when someone uses manipulation tactics to control another person. It’s often used in relationships where there’s an imbalance of power between partners. Otherwise known as coercive control.
Someone who hoovers fears that their target will “get away” from them, so they may engage in love bombing, feigning crises, stalking, or smear campaigns in order to suck up all their target’s time, energy, and attention.
You feel like you have no control over your life.
If you feel like you have no say in what happens in your life, then you might be dealing with narcissistic abuse. This type of abuse is characterized by one partner having a sense of entitlement and believing he or she deserves special treatment.
They make you feel bad about yourself.
Narcissists often use tactics such as gaslighting (denying the truth), emotional blackmail, DARVO (defend, attack, reverse the role of victim and offender) and manipulation to control their partners. These behaviors are designed to make victims doubt themselves and question their own sanity.
They don’t respect your boundaries.
A narcissist will not hesitate to violate your personal space. If you try to set limits with them, they’ll likely push back against you. This behavior is called boundary violation.
They lie constantly.
Narcissists often lie to manipulate you into doing what they want. They might tell you that you’re too fat, too thin, too old, too young, too stupid, or too ugly. They might even lie about not having an affair.
Hoovering | The Narcissist always returns
Hoovering is the use guilt as a weapon.
If you feel guilty because of something your partner has done, he’s probably using guilt against you. He’ll try to make you feel bad so that you’ll do what he wants.
How long does hoovering last?
“Anywhere from 2-weeks to 3-months after a deafening silence, the hoovering would begin. If my ex intended to return full-on, he’d simply text out-of-the-blue from his new cell number, asking to meet me for a drink (and, sadly, those were the only times he’d ever take me out).” — Author Zari Ballard
On the dark side of their attention seeking, they can prey on your kind nature and share with you about their suicide attempts, self-harm, and dangerous or impulsive behavior used to lure you back into a conversation.
On the covert charming side of their attention seeking, they will engage in a combination of hoovering tactics- sweet talking, gaslighting, reaching out to others- all to get you back into their orbit.
The best thing to do is stop engaging in this game. If you are living with them, disengage emotionally and plan your escape. If you have left and are out, block their phone number and ignore all attempts for them to get back into your life. It’s best for them and best for you. You cannot help them, they have a mental health issue that only a professional can attempt to help.
Self hoovering
In my personal experience, when I moved out after a fight. His silence was devastating, I could not take the silence and the guilt that I may have over exaggerated my reaction. I would reach out within 24 hours and apologize and try and have a resolution. He played into my guilt and told me we could work it out, then proceed to gently tell me what I needed to fix, versus taking responsibility for his part. This pattern, for me, occured seven times.
Don’t allow yourself to give into your feelings of loss and self loathing. The lie playing your head that you are nothing without them is not true. The narcissist has groomed you to feel trauma bonded to them, so that you cannot stand on your own two feet without them. Give yourself time. You will survive, you will find happiness again without them in your life.
The time is now to let go and move on!
The Universe rewards the brave.
And remember. Know your worth and keep your unique light shining.
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