Healing from sexual abuse and assault by a narcissist. Toxic Masculinity has pillaged and raped for centuries… Narcissists are just a small few who participate. Some would argue the leaders of those raids were narcissist.
Sexual abuse and sexual assault and violence can happen to anyone, but healing from sexual trauma is possible.
So how do you regain confidence with yourself, and be able to seek pleasure in the bedroom after you have been sexually abused or raped?
This is still such taboo topic, about pleasure. And it doesn’t even need to be sexual pleasure, but just what does it mean to have pleasure? Just look at moms, you toil over feeding the family and then you eat the remnants. Food is the very basic form of pleasure. If you cannot even fulfill that with a delicious meal that feeds your tastebuds with delight, how can you fulfill it in the bedroom?
Back to sex. Then, people don’t want to talk about how they’ve been abused. It’s like, hide it, stick it under the carpet, don’t talk about it, don’t process it because it might just come and bite you in the back. But actually what happens is if you don’t process it, it manifests in other parts of your life in negative ways.
The abuser puts so much fear into you that they are gonna ruin your life. Or your abuse was gaslit, or normalized. So then you don’t talk about it, and it creates so much mental and emotional anguish in your life when you hold it in.
Today I’m sharing a conversation with Juliette Kamaran, a Trauma, Sex, and Intimacy Coach in Episode 94 on Empath and the Narcissist podcast.
Microagressions lay foundation for abuse
There is so much shame. You say yes due to pressure, discomfort, and lack of education, but your body says no. The disaster comes when your guardian ignores the microagressions at a young age and saying it’s normal leads to major agressions. The abuser tests you lack of boundaries with subtle touches, and standing close.
Juliette had an uncle who molested her at age 5 to age 16. …
“And I remember telling my mom, “Hey, uncle (whatever his name was), always touches me right around the boobs. And then, he touches my, my butt and it just doesn’t feel good.
And she’s like, “Oh yeah, I had an uncle who did that too. That’s just normal.”
But her intuition told her otherwise.
So then as a young adult, when she was date raped.
“I think what happened is I was so ashamed because one of the men was a man that I’d been dating. So I thought, is there somewhere that I brought this on?”
Abuse Effects Self Growth
“So I think it definitely did hinder myself confidence for a bit. I kinda like yo -yo’d with my weight a lot. Feeling it was unsafe to be thin and to be sexy. I didn’t wanna wear a very promiscuous clothes, but at the same time, I’m like, Oh, but I also wanna show off something. So it was like that internal battle.”
And one day when she was in a workshop, she physically got released because she was getting hit on her shoulders, and all of a sudden her body remembered and all the memories and they flooded in.
And when the body starts to remember, you can have flashbacks, you can start shaking. It is really a moment where you need a lot of care, and especially the aftercare and healing.
That flooding of memories is a form of PTSD. It is encouraging however because its the bodies way of flushing it out and completing the trauma cycle.
How do you heal?
Trauma release exercises are amazing. Such as :
- Somatic exercises: Somatic exercises involve performing movement for the sake of movement. Throughout the exercise, you focus on your inner experience as you move and expand your internal awareness.
- Mind-body practices: breath work, meditation, visualization, massage, grounding, dance, and/or sensation awareness work.
- Sound therapy through listening to :Dijori doo or Singing bowls
Emotions are Vibrations
Because sexual abuse violates our soul, it also is a form of emotional abuse. And in order to understand how the therapies above work, we need to explore a little deeper about emotions.
Most people are so afraid to feel their emotions because then they will be stuck in a thought and an emotion and just keeps spiraling. But because you are not actually feeling them for their full cycle the trauma continues to loop.
You feel them for one second, then it’s too scary, you panic, and then you leave them. But if you actually feel the emotion for about 90 seconds, it moves and something else comes in. And if we keep experiencing those emotions, those thoughts, those body sensations, and perhaps the image. And that is how you move through it.
To use an analogy : It’s like hitting a bell and then grabbing it real tight and not letting it continue to resonate and finish. So you stop the bell, but if you don’t let the bell ring all the way out then the hit of the bell is not fully released. That emotion that you just experienced is not fully released.
Avoidance through numbing
And that’s when we numb out with shopping, slightly too much alcohol, being online, scrolling Instagram. We all do it. And in a way, for some people, it is also nervous system calibration. But when you realize it’s four hours later, suddenly you are down a rabbit hole and your doom scrolling, and then your anxiety and your vibration is even lower and you feel more stressed out.
Solution? : Self love. Put your phone away at night. Even if you can, not have it in the bedroom and have a normal alarm clock. Seems silly but that is a form of self love.
Give yourself firm boundaries. For example, I only work between these and these hours. And don’t pick up the phone past 8/10 pm.
Find healthier coping mechanism rather than numb out these difficult emotions of traumas that have happened.
- Breathe work. : Sit breathe deep in 4 counts and out 4 counts with hand on heart
- Sit with emotions for 90 seconds. Allow them to shift into aha moments.
- Cry, journal, burn and release Ritual (Access ritual in Free How to Draw Powerful Boundaries Workshop)
- Inner Child meditation
- Do / buy something that brings you joy (not in excess) For example, you have been saving up and not buying pumpkin lattes. Well splurge one day and get one because that brings you joy and you deserve what you want!
Communicate your triggers when calm
“ With my partner, he came up behind me and he could just feel me freezing up. and he took it. It’s like, Oh, there’s something I’m doing that she doesn’t like. And for me, it was like I was remembering my uncle who always stood really close to me as a child. So when, one of you becomes aware of it. That’s where you can communicate.” — Juliette Karaman
So in that moment say “Hey , please don’t go away. I need you to stay. Don’t fix me, but I’m just having a bit of a trigger. And then afterwards I was able to talk about it.”
Self Develop work and focus in knowing what you need. Then communicate in a way that you know what you need and what you need your partner to do in that moment.
In the beginning of this practice expect to fail a couple times. You will get triggered and then you want to expressit , so you express almost in a very like angry or very short tone.
And then your partner runs away.
Loved, Seen and Heard
Our new healthy partners really do try to please us and just be there for you. They want nothing more but to actually help their woman and to pleasure her and to make sure that she’s their queen.
We all want to be loved. We all want to be seen and heard.
When these negative emotions come up, don’t let them rule your actions and words. Go to your partner and inform that you need to vent with this phrase, “Are you available ? I need to vent.” They may say no. And if so, oftentimes already just asking for that permission moves things in the right direction. And by the time is scheduled for you to vent, you don’t need to anymore.
So communication and timing is key.
Narcissists Cannot Handle Emotions
When it comes to the narcissist, you can try to have that conversation, but it really goes awry. You get verbal and emotional abuse because they cannot ever handle holding space for your emotions.
Holding space for their own emotions is already difficult enough that gets projected onto a lot of others.
“It’s tough because you get gas lit and told you are wrong the whole time. And you notice when people have narcissistic parents or partners that they are much less self-assured. They constantly doubt themselves.
We all need to be seen, nurtured and loved. And I think that is another key point to why people ask the horrible question: “Why do you keep staying with them for so long?” Well, it’s because they do give you snippets of seeing you, hearing you, and loving you. Just so that you stay. And you stay cuz you’re like, well they did see and love me, but they just can’t right now.” -Juliette Karaman
And that’s the tricky part about it because they love bomb, and you to stay, and then they get irritated and mad at you when you do. You ask yourself, what did I do? but most of the time you didn’t do anything. It’s just their own internal bipolarism-ness. (not diagnosing — npd is far different that bipolar disorder in DSM)
AND you have a loving nature that wants to be the rescuer. But the problem is actually always about the other person finding and healing themselves. It’s their story, it’s their creation.
The only way I can really help is by helping myself and by having firm boundaries
Victim triangle is: “where you’re the victim, you’re the rescuer, and you’re the perpetrator. And we play all roles at the same time. We move through the, three bits of the triangle most of the time until we start becoming aware of it. And then you become the spectator. You become the observer, and you see what’s happening in your life, in their life, in everyone’s life.”
You can reach a point in your emotional strength of actually holding the duality of “I can be sad and be joyous at the same time. And then there’s no charge, like pushing sadness away or you know, pulling towards joy.”
It is a very comfortable place to be, especially as an empath and recovering people pleaser because then you don’t feel like you have to fix everybody and everything and get yourself entangled in toxic situations. Or take any of their energy on.
Jennifer Moore’s, episode 79 talked about how having the emotional intelligence and awareness removes you from being an empath who is completely unaware of other people’s emotions and feeling like it’s your own, and then having empathy and letting that emotion ride.
All this work helps when you are naked.
With the empath and narcissist toxicity they blame you for all the dissapointments in bed. Or coerce you past your comfort zones.
In my experience with my x, every single argument and abuse that occurred always occurred in the bedroom. For me, it always stemmed back to I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t staying up long enough. I wasn’t gumby enough, I wasn’t hot enough.
If you have experienced some sexual trauma in your childhood, it is normal to shut everything down. It is hard to connect, you want it over quickly. And then you hear, “Your frigid and you never do anything fun and you never initiate.” And the best time to really talk about this with your partner is not in the bedroom. But really being curious about , what you both like.
What if sex life is dead in relationship?
“And a lot of my couples I’ve worked with that haven’t had sex in like 23 years, I actually give them homework. Not to have sex, but to really start connecting a bit again. I like saying, Go on on morning dates together, go somewhere completely different. Start writing lists. What did you love to do as a child? And then exchanging them and it’s like, Oh, we both love flying kites. Let’s do that one morning. And you really start having fun again.
What can I feed you? How would you like to be? Maybe you don’t want to be blindfolded, and I can put a strawberry up to your nose and run it across your, your chin and your cheek and have you smell it and then slowly feed it to you.
And all these things are a little bit taboo to talk about, but if you can talk about it outside the bedroom, then you can start taking it into the bedroom later.”
There all these media influences thar are so unrealistic, it puts so much pressure for everything to be perfect. So it makes sense that even without conflict it can be really intimidating. And then you involve conflict, low insecurity, emotional baggage, abuse history and all of these different triggers.
And doing a connection exercise is a beautiful way to practice just enjoying each other.
So start with this simple exercise: looking each other in, in the eyes, really if, if you hug for over 10 seconds. It creates all kinds of endorphins and feel good chemicals.
Build connections, spending time together, carve out time in your busy schedule.
Do date night, date morning, date afternoon. Mix it up a little bit. Leave the phones behind, don’t talk about the kids, don’t talk about work. And really start noticing each other and if you have a hobby or perhaps you have a vision for what you want to create together.
Safety is something which is really, really big, especially for abuse. , survivor.
Practice using these terms and communicate about it before hand.:
The stop lights.
Say “red” Red is stop. No more touching, completely. We need to stop all action.
Orange is like, okay, hey, slow down a little bit.
Green is like full force ahead.
How can you then heal, to come to the bedroom, with such a light heart and not bring that emotional baggage into the bedroom?
Healing yourself by doing all the practices. Put an intention to develop healthy intimacy in a safe environment with a healthy partner who does not emotionally manipulate you.
- Share with each other 5 things you love about each other.
- Share with each other 5 things you desire.
- Share with each other 5 fears you have.
“Trauma doesn’t define you and abuse doesn’t define you. It’s part of your story. Absolutely. You’ve survived it. You’ve come through it. You heal it.”
Stop clasping onto the victim identity, and just let go of that. Believe you are everything is available to you so you can be anything that you want.
Remember, Always keep your unique light shining!
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Juliette Karaman – Van Schaardenburgis is a Coach, Teacher, Mentor, and Writer on healing, trauma, relationships, sex, and intimacy. She specializes in the reinvention of the most intimate relationship in life – the one we have with ourselves. Decades of her experience with conscious sexuality and her ability to hold deep space has her clients regain confidence in their bodies, psyche, and relationship to themselves.
Juliette’s website: https://www.feelfullyyou.com/
Juliette’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/juliettekaraman/?hl=en
Juliette’s Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/juliette.karamanvanschaardenburg