How empaths can release unconscious shame and people pleasing patterns that are stuck in a pain cycle with the narcissist. And how to find your confidence and pleasure in life.
“In the long term, someone will have to disappear in the fusional process. This is where I’m addressing this pattern as an addiction in desiring to find your soulmate.”Karine Brule -Clairvoyant Healer
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How to unlock the Pleasing Pattern of the Empath
Fusional love is interwined emotions and identity of two lovers. Where one does not exist without the other.
May of RWA Psychology says “Fusion is the process of combining two or more distinct entities into a new whole. This concept is universally applied in romantic relationships, a common phrase being “I’ve found my other half.”
Emotionally fused couples feel responsible for each others reactions, it is wrong to make other person upset, it is understood that each partner is there to meet each other’s needs, each takes what it says personally, and there is little tolerance for individuality and difference of opinion.
This is similar to enmeshment. Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other person does as well.
The unhealthy desire for a soulmate is too unbalanced.
Finding your soulmate is a different experience; it is an intense love. The love is going to be more intense at soul level because the attraction is driven by the unconscious need for growth. And the challenges for growth will be intense.
I personally felt like I met the one! At the time, I believed my ex was my one and only true love. I was also young and naive, but even after I have been separated and no contact for ten years, I still have this soul level intense emotional connection. If I am completely honest with you, I still dream about him and the good times.
However, I have come to the conclusion that I would’ve partnered up with any narcissist. If it wasn’t him, it would’ve been a covert narcissist in the church, or a friend’s brother. Either way, I was used to an enmeshed family unit, and it was only natural for me to accept what I already knew was normal. And an enmeshed and fusional love, was the next step as a young maiden trying to be an adult. And it was for my emotional growth and evolution to experience the blatant abuse and mistreatment to wake up that what I knew since a child was not healthy or acceptable.
You attract what you vibrate
Emotions are on a circle. Love and hate are connected on the circle, like a coin. The top is love, the bottom is hate. They are both one in the same, and also separate. The duality of passion in love and in hate is very similar.
Just as if your body bleeds out blood from a wound, your energetic body leaks out energy where it is wounded. And that energy is what you vibrate out into your surrounding. That vibration is attracting a side of the coin; either love or hate.
When you take an outside reference to what is right or wrong and base your self esteem and identity on the family unit or lover’s approval of you or your actions, then you start to experience shame.
In order to let go of a shame, you need to start to bring back your authority inside of you.
I think the problem with you getting triggered by the narcissist is, you are not checking in with your inner authority. You have lost the perception of what feels right in the moment.
For example, it is kind and polite to bring a cup of tea when someone asks it of you. However, if it doesn’t feel pleasurable and a burden to do, you end up doing it anyway and it becomes a frozen a pattern.
“The value of “You have to be kind” denies a part of your identity and your own perception of rightness in the moment. More, you do that more. You let space for people to deny your emotion, because it’s what you’re doing on the daily base, denying your own emotional input of what feels right. Because when you are always being kind to the outside, you are unkind to yourself.” —Karine Brule Empath & Narcissist S4 Ep 68
Finding your confidence
It is important in order to retrieve yourself again and find your joy and freedom is to find your confidence to stand in your power. When you do this you give yourself what you need, the freedom and strength to say “no”. Since it is so hard for us empaths to hear. “No” it is painful for us to say it to others. For the empath there is a false sense of rejection when hearing “no” that you end up saying.”Yes” when you do not want to.
You feel it’s too painful to receive, so in turn you do not want to be the mean one and delve out the perceived rejection. How many times have you found your bravery to say “no” and immediately cowered in your body language, said it in a question tone, or retracted it before the person could respond? But you have to switch the narrative on that because it’s not kind to be doing something beyond your scope or comfort zone that sacrifices your self sovereignty. When you do so, you will build up resentment and burst like a volcano taking the other person by surprise.
You deserve pleasure
Now that we have established above that fusional and enmeshed love is unhealthy. The root cause of your people pleasing is seeking love outside of yourself based on conditioning in your family unit or trauma. You can now choose pleasure for yourself. This is where the self care movement is coming from.
“Choose your pleasure instead of getting love from the other.” — Karine Brule Empath and the Narcissist S4 Ep 68
You deserve pleasure. Stop acting out of the unhealthy social pressure to do what is right at the expense of your self autonomy. There must be a balance. Because when your glass is full of pleasure and self love, you will have a bounty of love to share and do in service for others. But you cannot be a contributing factor in the community if you are drained and people pleasing others all the time.
Instead, first listen to your body, intuition, and emotional needs, and then answer. Some of you will have a sacral authority and ask yourself “yes” / “no” questions for your body to respond to. Others of you will need to listen to your emotional cycle, and wait for it to revolve around excited, nervousness, fear, and then neutrality to find your answer. You do not have to give people answers right away.
Ultimately it boils down to how much you will have enjoyed your life on your deathbed. Five minute before dying. What is your priority? Are you going to place your ego and public perception first? And think, “Oh, I’ve been a good person.I’ve helped loads of “needy” people and I did the best I could.” Or are you going to place joy, memories, pleasure, and your children first? and say “Wow. I really am lucky to have them in my life, and laugh with them, and have the experiences that I really enjoyed.”
When people pleasing, the unconscious mind is doing everything because it is satisfying to be needed. This is an ego centric way of living. In some aspects you are exhibiting narcissistic traits. You are doing many things for others so they will love you. This is a coping mechanism of an unhealthy love attachement. And it does not guarantee that you will be loved. If just being who you are is not enough for them, and even yourself, you have more growing to do out of your child state into your mature adult being.
Once you learn how to distinguish between what you are doing and who you are as a being of value, you will emit a high frequency love vibration that will attract true supportive love and partnerships in life.
How to break these patterns out of the Narcissist’s grip
What truly needs to transform to get out of the narcissistic abuse cycle is an unconscious choice to NOT put the other first. Which I know is quite opposite than we have been raised. It again is a duality. When you see yourself as one and separate from others, you choose yourself first in order to lift up the other side of the coin with more love, light and power.
It is about letting go of this sacrificial pleasing to gain approval and love, and welcoming your desire to really live your life with joy and pleasure unapologetically.
The Buddhist monks are always talking about, your living in the present. Heaven is here in the present; Hell is here on Earth in the present. You do not need to wait until life after death.When choosing your actions and focus, you are choosing to experience either one right now.
When attracting the narcissist and allowing them to use your shame as a weapon of control, you are hiding from your unhealed self and allowing them to use it as a puppet. However, when you face your fears and wounds and transmute them into love and compassion, the narcissist no longer has a hold on your heart strings.
And I conclude with this pondering: You might as well have control of your own shadow than have someone else control it.
This is your next step to defeating the narcissist. Learn how to master your boundaries. How to release responsibility for another’s emotional response. How to feel the power of your self sovereignty, free yourself from narcissistic abuse, and draw long lasting, powerful boundaries. Get your free Narcissist Abuse Recovery workshop now at Raven scott.show/free-workshop
And remember —
Always keep your unique light shining!
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Raven Scott is an Ambassador of gain your sparkle back after narcissist abuse and Coach helping empaths heal from their black sheep wound through her transformational program.
As an international author, narcissist abuse recovering coach, Podcast host of Empath & Narcissist and creator of Embracing your Black Sheep Program she is dispelling the narcissist power one soul at a time.
Raven Scott is providing women, who are feeling lost and alone in their journey, a community to kick ass as we become empowered together while healing from childhood trauma, abusive relationships, or plain old life, and awaken to rewrite our karmic story. Through astrology, self care, human design, & intuition.
We are energetically clearing ancestral patterns one step at a time to find our power and potential through healing so you can live empowered the unique loved individual you desire to be. Topics covered: Self development, Human design, Astrology, tarot, meditative thoughts, intuitive message from spirit, and expert guests sharing different spiritual healing modalities.