Unhealed childhood trauma manifests into people pleasing, codependency, and empaths basing their self worth outside themselves leading to a dangerous and vulnerable emotion state to be in with a narcissist.
“Codependency is driven by a lack of identity”
– @yourrelationshipreset
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The Forces that Drive Narcissism and How Unhealed Childhood Trauma Manifests.
Three reasons empaths base their self worth outside themselves. And the reasons why one becomes a narcissist. Transcript
Narcissism is a conditioned product of lack of emotional development, and at the same time it is a trait we all contain within us to be self centered.
But the difference is, do you choose integrity and empathy over “the dark side” of throwing others “under the bus” to boost one’s self esteem.
Here are some key moments:
- Forces that drive narcissism
- Emotional neglect in childhood development
- Spoiled and entitled in early childhood and throughout life
- Forced into an adult role as a child
“Trauma doesn’t make you an asshole” @narcabusecoach Danish Bashir
- How empaths are conditioned to be codependent and seek self worth outside themselves
- No freedom of mind autonomy in crucial formative pubescent years
- Childhood bullying
- Lack of emotional tools provided by parent / caregiver
Hello and welcome to the Raven Scott show and the Empath and the Narcissist podcast.
Where you regain your sparkle back after narcissist abuse.
Last couple of weeks have been quite an eye-opener and a revelation for me. And today we’re talking about the forces that drive narcissism and codependency, and also I wanted to touch on the three ways Empaths have can have been conditioned to look for self-worth outside themselves. And just as that quote, that I read that really summarizes this entire feeling, um, the and discovery that I have just discovered about in my self healing and spiritual journey is that codependency is driven by a lack of identity.
And I, myself. I have been diagnosed codependent. When I left my narcissistic relationship and went to therapy, she introduced me to what codependency is. Codependency is, this intertwined enmeshed emotional feeling. You know, being needed by somebody enabling their bad behavior, just so that you can continually be able to take care of them, to receive attention and to feel needed.
And all of that wraps up into your identity, right? Being needed is something that you have to have
in order to feel you like worth living, right. This kind of weird ultimate identity wrapped around someone else. And the driving force between this duality. And I think also the concept here is we’ve got narcissism as one side. We’ll call it the dark side and co-dependency is also a form of the dark side of someone that may be more prone to the light side.
And narcissism is a conditioned, state narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed and it is conditioned. I think there are certain traits. However, my personal opinion that, uh, people are born with and they choose to go down the dark path or the light path think of. Amazing example, that Star Wars presents to us.
I’m sure everyone’s heard of Star Wars. Anikan Skywalker. He was training to be a Jedi on the right path and amazing skills, but he had a tendency to give into his deeper, darker feelings of jealousy and fear. And then all of that culminated to him becoming Darth Vader on the dark side. So we all have this choice on the path and yes, narcissism is a conditioned existence.
I also believe that there are elements within all of us that can have us be prone to going towards the dark side. And so we have to be mindful and choose. And once you become an adult and you kind of start to see things to become aware, that’s the responsibility part. Where do you choose to continue to be selfish and disregard other people?
Or do you continue to work on yourself, start to go to therapy. I’ve heard of a lot of narcissists who say, Hey, I’ve got a problem. You know, their loved ones have pointed it out and they’ve gone to therapy. So there’s a whole gamut of circumstances.
Narcissists are not all bad and evil, but at the same time, their actions they are choosing to be.
So you can’t change them.
It’s such a difficult kind of like. In between reality, earth and space and sky kind of existence and concept. I think, you know, as far as how I process narcissist. Now I have a deep compassion for them when they were children.
1. The Narcissist Emotionally neglected as a child
They may have been emotionally neglected is the one point that I wanted to come across.
Having a distracted parent may lead a child to emotional coping mechanisms. If and when the parent is around, and they themselves are a narcissist the child is put down, neglected, dismissed and this can turn to either codependency or narcissism. Which the person chooses to cope is a choice. They could lash out in anger, hurt others, and push down their innocence and imagination. Therefore pushing their light and love deep underneath a solid armor of hate. In turn they put others down to continue to cover up their insecurities. They learned to manipulate and lie to get their way because their childhood only had room for that versus honest open conversations. They didn’t have an emotionally healthy adult to guide them, hold space for them and nurture their emotions that they needed in those formative years.
However, again, there’s a choice when you reach a certain point, there are multiple siblings in one family that had the same set of parents and each sibling comes out a different product, right? Some are very conscious and aware and kind and caring and, you know, want to change the patterns in their family.
And in the other, you know, chose a different path and continued to seek self serving , tactics essentially, no matter who’s at risk, as long as they are feeling good and they’re served and they’re happy, that’s all that matters to anyone’s expense.
2. Overly spoiled with no consequences
Now , the second part of narcissism being conditioned is that there is entitlement, right?
They have been treated and told they are special and can never do any wrong. The parent has never scolded them, held them responsible, taught them to apologize, or given them consequences. It’s everyone else’s fault. It’s never the child’s to blame. When you read it straight forward it is obvious this is unhealthy in the development process. because in order to raise a strong, emotionally intelligent, and kind human being, you need to teach them the real truth; In every conflict, there are two sides. Even if one side smaller than the other, there’s always something to take responsibility for, to apologize for, improve and correct, in order to evolve and be a better person.
Narcissistic children in the making have multiple opportunities to learn this out in public, with other adults in after school programs and by their teacher at school. However if the parent does not follow through also do the same, they will take the easy road and justify their actions like their parents taught them to. This in turn is another choice, and proof that narcissists are not fully the victim of their childhood.
they will take the easy road and justify their actions like their parents taught them to. This in turn is another choice, and proof that narcissists are not fully the victim of their childhood.
And when someone doesn’t receive that and they’re spoiled and, they’re loved like a partner by their parent. It creates a very toxic self identity and entitlement to things in the world, hence there, you know, such a high sense of, you know, being Ms. That’s the pure definition of a narcissist is that they are having an overly inflated sense of self and they think they’re above everybody.
You think they can do whatever they do no wrong. And, this is the problem with narcissist. And narcissism, and this whole can do no wrong. They have a very bull-headed idea that their concepts and the way of living is the only way. And there’s no other room for perspective that also has seeped into the collective, the community, the culture, certain religions.
Um, maybe most all religions on the extreme side, right. Where it started out to be really great thing and a good cause. And then someone has shifted it, maybe the collective or however that all evolves right into, oh, well this is the only way. Everyone else. Is quote unquote of the world and we’re above all of them because we have Jesus in our heart.
Like, I don’t think Jesus would be happy that that was that’s how it was used because he was in the world with all of the people who the Pharisees looked down upon.
3. Narcissists are forced into an adult role as a child
Number three, the lack of emotional development. Um, and like I said, they’re forced into an adult role as a very young child. So maybe their father passed away when they were young.
Uh,
Narcissists (anyone for that matter), lose formative social and emotional skills when they are forced to grow up too fast. Being a mature child is a sign that their coping mechanisms have kicked in. Whether it be supporting the household, raising a sibling while they’re their parent is working, or supporting a parent emotionally. The love source from a mother, is the ultimate example of compassion. Love is learned by children from the mother. And when the mother is tired, run down, narcissistic, and resentful, the child is forced to grow up fast and shield themselves from the negative energy and abuse. Another scenario is the father is a narcissist, and they are automatically put in the lover role for the mother because her husband is not meeting her emotional needs.
A person that has grown up with any of these situations still has a choice to be kind, or to hurt others emotionally because they have pain inside. This is when they need to go to therapy because their relationships never last.
Maybe they themselves are narcissistic and, you know, drove the other partner to, you know, whatever happens the tragedy, or it just happened accidentally, whatever. I mean, there’s a million circumstances, right? That mother comes home. Tired has no emotional breadth for herself. She’s bitter, she’s upset the world.
Then she has no emotional, compassionate and breadth for her children. Therefore, the child has no understanding of compassion, no understanding of, you know, having emotional space. Held for them or even developed, help them guide through their emotional development. And another thing is they could, like I said, in the point before they’re entitled, they could be overly spoiled.
Everything is given to them. Everything is bought for them. They can do no wrong. They are not punished. Um, they may be threatened or yelled at, you know, when the parent gets really frustrated, but then the consequence or punishment is never followed through. And this is not good. This is not healthy. You can’t raise healthy, emotionally intelligent children, human beings into adults by doing these things.
So, um, also the child is not given reality checks or behavioral corrections. Uh, all of that leads to this. Self-entitled. And there can be so many other different scenarios. Um, but thus just a couple off the top of my head, from what I’ve experienced, what I’ve heard from the audience and in my own personal experiences from the multitudes of different narcissists that I’ve come across my path and my life.
But what is the main difference between the narcissist and the empath?
Because the, I think the empath and the narcissist both have this codependency, but one, like I said, is on the dark side. One is on the light side, but it all links back to this lack of identity. This lack of emotional development, something happened that stunted your emotional development in your youth.
And I wanted to quote narcissist coach. Here on Instagram. I know I don’t, I don’t like to get a lot of my information from social media, but this coach is amazing. You can just follow him at narc abuse coach.
Now, because we’re talking about conditioning and narcissism and what’s the driving force. A lot of people will say, and I myself wrote down notes here for the show that says they experienced trauma in their life. But just as I had said earlier, there could be four siblings that experienced the same trauma.
Two of them have gone down the light path and two of them have gone down the dark path or one and three or whatever it is. You know, there is a choice. There is something inside you that ticks that you want to get better, or you don’t, and you want to stay in your victim hood.
So before I did this, I just want to say his name properly. I want to coat Danish Basher at narc abuse coach. I follow him on Instagram. I highly recommend you do the same. If you haven’t. He creates amazing videos and contents all about educating and busting the myths. Right? So the question is, so are narcissists act like this because they are trauma survivors, but he says when narcissists are trauma survivors, how else do you expect?
Them to behave in his experience. He has never come across a trauma survivor who sucks all the air out of the room and all the attention in the room who vacuums all the attention to them. He has never come across a trauma survivor who feels entitled. To treat people like objects. He’s never come across a trauma survivor who takes advantage of people’s weaknesses and their positive qualities and personality traits.
He’s never come across a trauma survivor who intentionally pushes buttons in people to elicit reactions and then targets them using those reactions. I have come across people, trauma survivors, real trauma survivors, who are convinced that they deserve to be punished, that they seek permission to even breathe the oxygen in a room.
That is what he has come across. And he states no trauma does not make you an ass hole. And he can understand that trauma changes your brain and, uh, coping mechanisms and defenses and everything related psychological trauma, but he can’t make sense of this stark difference that those who have chosen the dark path have chosen to be assholes to others.
And I know that in this journey, life gives us many signs, right? Our souls giving us many signs to behave or to evolve, to improve, to wake us up and say, Hey, this is not the right path for you. So these people who have this disorder and, or maybe are just extremely toxic and we call narcissist in our life, they have chosen to not see the signs to ignore the signs, to not listen and to not wake up.
That’s the key difference.
And the key difference is empathy.
Empaths, we call ourselves, right? We have intense amount of empathy, highly sensitive people have empathy. Normal people have empathy. I would not say that I would, uh, call, um, you know, a few people in my life, highly sensitive, but they still have empathy.
This is a emotional development stage in understanding that you put yourself in another person’s shoes, you treat others how you want to be treated. This is called empathy. And the narcissist survival mode, and possibly maybe a study, something to be done that has them develop an overly inflated sense of.
If it’s survival mode, if it’s just their own personality traits and they’re the ones in inflicting abuse on their family, all the way as since child. There are psychopaths that do that too. Before you feel bad for them. Cause I used to feel really bad like, oh, they were, they were abused as a child.
They had trauma, their parents divorced, you know, this is kind of how I was able to find my journey to heal my ex. But at the same time, You cannot change them. Right? So before you feel horribly bad and feel like as an empath, you need to help and save them. Think about that’s your codependency kicking in? You can’t change them.
You can’t change them. We all have choices. And those who have chosen themselves over improving and having empathy for others. And interacting with those in a healthy manner. By the age of 18, all of those patterns of selfish patterns are locked in. So unless they are willing to go to therapy, like I said, for years to come literally years to come, it takes a lot of work to reverse all of these patterns.
They’re not willing to do the work. So why are you still staying and trying to fix them? Why are you still staying and trying to tell them that they are wrong? If they don’t go to therapy, they’re not willing to do the work. Then you need to find a safe place for yourself and you need to go no contact.
And remember self development is a lifelong process. I’m sure you recognize that by now. And some people can do a self guided with a little bit of assistance here and there self-development process and others. With the narcissistic personality disorder need professional help. No doubt about it. They can’t just do it on their own.
Unhealed childhood trauma shows up in one’s life and relationships as fixing others. People pleasing. Codependency. External validation. Being needed. Needing to prove yourself. On high alert all the time. Feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Fear of abandonment. And tolerate abuse. The first sign of low self esteem is people pleasing.
The first sign of low self esteem in people pleasing. Number two is the lack of setting and holding boundaries. Number three is your harsh self-talk. Number four, is lack of integrity, or unwavering values. Number five is yearning for praise outside of yourself.
So what drives the empath or you for codependency and basing your self-worth on the outside influences of others? The outside event. The outside invitations, the outside praise.
1. No freedom of mind autonomy in crucial formative pubescent years.
What I’ve found is in my personal discovery, that number one, those who have been raised and developed into a family unit that has no freedom of autonomy in their formative teenage years for self-discovery.
Due to a strict ideology, whether it be a religion or just, you know, like let’s say even like veganism, right? Like any type of close minded, extreme idea that everyone has to do. And if they don’t do it, they are a bad person, right. That mindset. It’s not a safe space for a teenager or a child to ask questions and discover.
And see all different sides and experiences in life to really solidify who they are and what they have a passion for or what they believe, because there’s such an extreme judgment against anything different from the belief system and ideology in the home. And for me, I experienced it was the extreme Christianity beliefs.
There are different sects of Christianity. There are different ranges of how extreme, any religion is how, forgiving, how loose, how much they actually are followed the rule book, rule by rule.
but with, with all that harsh judgment, without being able to explore and have a safe space, to have discussions with the guide who shouldn’t be there for you, the parents. Then you’re stunted emotionally. You don’t know who you are. And again, for me, I, I personally experienced diving, even deeper into drinking the Kool-Aid and people pleasing even more by becoming a leader in the Christian Church.
I went to as well as my school and I isolated myself even more because I didn’t have friends. I wasn’t cool. I wasn’t popular. People were afraid. I would judge them. You know, I was like the chaplain. So it like makes, it puts you in a really weird like adult slash leadership role when you should just be having fun and enjoying friendship and your peers.
But because of what happened, I wrote in my book with, my sister and the intense judgment of her moving out and getting pregnant very young in her youth that really forced me to. Please and follow the rule book even more. So I didn’t devastate my family any anymore. Cause it affected their self-worth.
It affected their, existence as a parent, they felt like they fail as a parent. Well, yeah, probably a little bit. But because they were so devastated personally, They were so upset.
It was only their ego getting upset. And it just, as a child witnessing this at like nine, I said, oh, I’m not going to traumatize my parents anymore. I want them to be happy. I want everything to be. Okay. So all of I’m sure you’ve experienced something in your childhood that was traumatic, that made you people please even more.
So reevaluate that. Journal about that. Release that. This is a perfect time to do around the, um, you know, the waning part of this full moon. So that’s the number one point that I I’ve discovered personally and believe that is a part of the empaths driving force towards codependency.
2. Childhood bullying
Now, number two is childhood bullying, which then affects the self-worth.
Because there has been a, friend or a classmate who’s continually bombarding you with negative words, controlling words, just constantly pushing your boundaries. And if you don’t have that strong support system at home, to be able to say, this is what you need to say, these are the tools, this is how you need to feel about yourself.
The, you know, that child is coming from this place and really explaining it out, which I think a lot of us in the eighties and nineties did not have those tools. Like our parents didn’t have those tools to share with us. Unless they were in psychology or a therapist or social worker, they didn’t, they couldn’t tell us like this child is doing it for this reason.
Don’t take it personally. Like here are the tools, this is what you say. So it chips away at your armor and it chips away and brings your self worth and identity lower and lower because. Those negative thoughts. The words are powerful. They’re like arrows, you know, and they’re wounding you and wounding you.
And so you have this deep wound and if you’re like me and you felt embarrassed that they were, you were even being teased by for me again, in my book I share. It was actually my best friend who turned my bully. I felt embarrassed. So I hid it from my mom. And it just kept chipping away at my self worth and my self worth.
And it was harder and harder on myself. And it was like, well, I shouldn’t have told my mom. And then my mom wouldn’t have told her mom and I wouldn’t be bullied. So all of it, I turned back onto it was my fault. Which then feeds that forcing drive of codependency of, low self-esteem. And so when you have low self esteem, you look to outside yourself for self-worth because you don’t think you have any inside yourself.
Let me know if I make sense. Please comment on rate and review this podcast, take a screenshot of this and DM me and tag me is, Hey, like I totally get that share with me your story. I am here to listen.
3. Lack of emotional tools
And the third point is parental emotional neglect. So this is a big part of the patriarchy or authoritarian parenting style of telling your child.
Stop doing that, stop crying. You’re tough. Toughen it up, you know, hold it in. , they’re not holding space for those difficult emotions for their child. It’s okay to hold your child and let them cry. Like you need to get it out and then you can talk those that cry is not going to last all day. So just be patient.
Right. But if you didn’t get that yourself, as a child. And like for me, I would have temper tantrums and I would be banished to my room because I wasn’t consolable, my mom did try and console me, but I was so frustrated in my open solar plexus center just like exploded like a bomb and she didn’t know how to handle it.
So the only way to stop it in her mind was to take away the attention, right. To take away the fire and the fuel. And, to banish me to my room. And I was then there as a young child to resort, to dealing with my difficult emotions by myself. And when you do that, you feel like there’s nowhere safe yet you’re like really mad at yourself.
You’re mad at them. Like you can’t process all these emotions you just had. And again, for me, I just internalized it and thought it was my fault because I was the one that was punished and sent to my room. And of course it wasn’t, I was just amplifying the emotions of the whole kid group. And then I get, you know, I’m the one punished because I’m amplifying it and having a temper tantrum where I’m sure I probably didn’t even start much of it, or it wasn’t even that big of a deal.
So all of that leads to. Low self esteem and identity and codependency and making sure that everyone else outside of you is happy. Making sure everyone outside of you gives you praise for your self worth. So that’s why the narcissist love bombing, you hold onto that tightly because you now take that on as your own self identity. You take on the praise of all the likes and the comments on your social media feed, because that’s how you gauge your identity. And if you have only five likes and you really want 500, or you only have a hundred followers and you want 5,000, or you want 10,000 or a million, like you look all these people, but that’s not where your identity lies.
It’s impressive. Great. They’ve got so many followers, but how do they feel inside themselves? How do you feel inside yourself? And so the biggest aha moment I had was to stop gaining outside praise, to feed my identity. Because my whole life, even all over through my adulthood, when I am excluded or, half don’t get to go to a family, you know, function or it’s planned without including me.
But then last minute I’m invited cause I reach out and say, Hey, what are we doing for Christmas? And it’s like, they’ve had this whole plan without me. And it’s super hurtful. Yes, it is hurtful, but it’s even deeper of a wound when I’ve wrapped my whole self identity on being included in my family.
Now I get it like that’s super hurtful. However, when you remove yourself from having this identity, like, well, I have to be a part of the party to validate that I am worth something. Then every single time they do whatever they do, you have this deep wound and it triggers you and it upsets you and you spiral and you feel like.
Crap. You feel like nobody loves you. That’s not true. And all you have to do is focus on loving yourself, focus on your self love, focus on the tiny little family that you have, even if it’s just you and the cat. Be grateful for that because animals have unconditional love and you need to bolster your wisdom, you need to bolster your love for yourself. You need to bolster your self identity within what you want to do. So when it comes to your life, let no one outside of you write your story, tell you that your lovable tell you that they love you and you receive it as that’s your identity.. It doesn’t matter if anyone outside of you gets you or accepts you. You, yourself, your soul understands you and you are safe.
You are loved by the Universe by God, by your higher self. You hold yourself. And this is why this inner child meditation practice is so key because you as an adult can love and be safe and hold yourself for your inner child. That underdeveloped emotional child who has experienced all of the trauma and emotional abuse that I’ve just mentioned.
You now get to heal that and be that healed parent and adult for your inner child. So now you get to play. What are you want to do. Do the meditation, be present, build that relationship with yourself and then do what ever you want to do. Do against the grain, do something that’s a brand new tradition for you, your family, anything that lights you up. Because looking to other people and anyone, even including your family outside of yourself.
For your self validation, how much you love yourself, how much you feel valued and worthy. That is a very dangerous place to be. Because it leads you to be vulnerable to another narcissistic, abuse, manipulation scheme, and another and another. And once you start to get really firm and solid within yourself, You stop believing all the lies.
You see the lies of anybody, even if they’re not in your life and they’re there in the public eye, you go, oh yeah, they’re toxic. Oh yeah. They’re self-serving right now. Oh, yep. That’s a narcissist. And you start to see it and you start to remove yourself from them.
So one final thought is do not let your unhealed mother wound dictate your emotional world. You become your own mother now .You heal it. You are your own mother, and this will open an expand and heal, possibly your relationship with your own mother. Or there will be a no contact situation or a gray rock method.
But I say this because the Dalai Lama says the ultimate source of teaching compassion is the mother. So you can break the cycle and you can heal that mother wound that has led you to having low self esteem and to being the bait and the victim of narcissistic abuse. And you can end that now. You can. It’s very simple.
And yet I know difficult, but let your ego needs to let go. And then you can heal. Your ego needs to let go.
This is Raven Scott. And that concludes the driving force behind narcissism and codependency. And the three ways empaths have conditioned to look for self-worth outside themselves.
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Bonus: How to master your boundaries:
- Envision yourself saying NO
- Feel the power of your self sovereignty
- Dream of yourself saying NO
- Step into your courage, pushing through fear, and taking action to say NO.
- Be detached with the others emotional response (which may be like a child’s temper tantrum)
Raven’s Book
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Raven Scott is an Ambassador of gain your sparkle back after narcissist abuse and Coach helping empaths heal from their black sheep wound through her transformational program.
As an international author, narcissist abuse recovering coach, Podcast host of Empath & Narcissist and creator of Embracing your Black Sheep Program she is dispelling the narcissist power one soul at a time.
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